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February 19, 2017 11:07 am  #1


Very bad feeling....

I met my fiancé while he was working in my home town- he's an independent contractor for a cable company- when we met he was working three states away from his home town... He told me quite a bit about his friends back in his home state - one friend in particular... The guy was his "best buddy" (call him Matt)  - whom  he swore never to speak to again. This buddy robbed his house on more than one occasion, screwed around on his wife (who was then a friend of my finance), cleaned out a college fund that my fiancé had set up for his niece. Two years after we met my fiancé and I moved to his home town.... we were driving separate vehicles- my fiancé arrived home two days before me.... called me to tell me that his house was robbed AGAIN - everything - furniture, books, bed, dishes, tools..... everything was gone. Fiance tells me that he is calling the cops and will call me back in a couple of hours. Two hours later I received a call - he has an idea who might have robbed his house, and he and a friend are driving around looking for this guy..... The friend he's driving around with ?- - Matt.  I arrive at his house two days later - wake up to realize that my car is gone. Fiance had driven to Matt's house while I was sleeping - left my car at Matt's house (can't remember why) - I was in no mood to socialize  - I was exhausted after a 18 hour drive...however, I needed to recover my vehicle.... I remember the logistics of the situation didn't quite make sense - why leave my car at Matt's house? At any rate, Matt and fiancé arrive in Matt's truck to drive me back to Matt's house so I could recover my car. I was extremely uncomfortable, was having severe menstrual cramps, overwhelmed with anxiety I began suffering a panic attack. ( I suffer from an anxiety disorder). Matt and fiancé want to go to lunch - I go along.... finally recover my vehicle and drive back to our house. Two days later fiancé tells me that Matt suspects that I have a drug problem - and is "extremely concerned".... I spent a year with fiancé - living at his house - I only had one request. That  Matt not show up without calling first... A year. I finally left my fiancé - I felt I was treated as a second class citizen in my own house... that one small request - that Matt call first - was too much to ask.... I do believe that my fiancé did ask him a number of times to call - but for some reason was unwilling or unable to stand up to Matt. The very bad feeling.... something was VERY wrong with this situation. My fiancé lost me as a result of Matt's invasion of my privacy.... when I ask why he continued to allow Matt to run over me - he told me "it's too complicated." "I don't understand."  This may or may not be relevant - my fiancé is 15 years older than Matt... my fiancé also served 15 years in prison.  Any insight? I would appreciate any advice - as I'm considering getting back with my fiance  - and am still very much in love with him. 

Last edited by merricat (February 19, 2017 11:13 am)

 

February 19, 2017 12:02 pm  #2


Re: Very bad feeling....

I don't know how you could do it.  If he's always putting a friend before you.

Its a horrible feeling for some of us decades later to find our spouses putting a "friend" before us.  To be discarded.
To suddenly find your spouse going "shopping with a friend"  at 2am.


From what you wrote your gut is telling you something is off. ...I know you love him but it's not worth it.  You'll FOREVER be wondering if he's meeting a guy for beer or to have sex.

Last edited by Rob (February 19, 2017 12:11 pm)


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

February 22, 2017 1:54 am  #3


Re: Very bad feeling....

Thank you for validating me.... I can't tell you how much this means. I felt like a bitch - catty - unreasonable - .... I know it's not true. Ironically - if he told me he was gay - I could have handled it.... the being stepped on, stepped over, less than.... paying bills and having less rights than the guests... that was dehumanizing.


Thank you again

     Thread Starter
 

February 22, 2017 10:59 am  #4


Re: Very bad feeling....

The whole scenario is just not normal.  If someone robs you ONCE, you get them out of your life - even if you still love them.  And how, exactly, does someone clean out your niece's bank account unless you're sharing banking information with them?  It's not unheard of, I know.  But I would CERTAINLY draw the line at someone stealing from a child in my life.  Yeesch.  The fact that he hasn't means he never will.  No matter what this man does to him, he will continue to let him into your lives.  He is the most important person in your fiancee's life if he keeps putting him above his own fiancee.  And WHY would that BE?  Because he's in love with him.

You are not a bitch.  You are not on the inside of the circle that is supposed to be your own relationship.  You are the third wheel.  It doesn't matter WHY - this isn't how marriage is supposed to work.  Get out while you can.  This has nowhere to go except from bad to worst.

Kel


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

February 23, 2017 11:55 am  #5


Re: Very bad feeling....

I refer to the niece as the niece - their relationship most resembles niece and uncle.... but there is no blood relation. It was the niece's mother - Matt's ex wife - who dropped the ball. Or - Matt forged a check - had the account info available...... Something else extremely disturbing. The niece told me that Matt had molested her........I told fiancee.... he refused to ask niece about it for over a year (niece and fiance grew apart....Fiance only attempted to have that discussion with niece when he realized that I was leaving - for good - and I had been shaming fiance for over a year about not asking about it. Among the many questions that I still have about fiance.... I have looked at his porn habits (browser history) - lots of degrading sex with women, gang bangs - quite violent - but no porn in which two men are having sex..... not even in the gang bang videos.....

Again - thank you guys so much for answering my questions-

     Thread Starter
 

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