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February 14, 2017 10:02 pm  #1


I'm afraid there are no solutions for my situation

My wife of 10 years told me she's in love with a woman (a friend of ours). Both my wife and this other woman used to date women in their youth. Now my wife and I are married and have an 8 year old son. The "friend" has two girls and lives with their father even though they never married. The "friend" openly told my wife she is in love with her last summer. My wife initially wasn't corresponding her love, but a few days ago she told me she now fell in love with her also. You'll probably think: "well, divorce," done.
The problem is that we aren't financially independent at the moment. I got admitted into a Doctorate program of three years. We had both applied but she didn't get accepted and I did. This program is extremely demanding both financially and academically. I'm not allowed to work for three years and I only started a month ago. We are currently living at my in-laws. The original plan, after I got accepted into the program, was to stay at my in-laws for a little while, since we had to relocate to the city where they live which is where my school is. That would give her time to get a new job and, with that income and the financial aid, we would be able move out of my in-laws house, get our own place to live and go from there.
Now she says she wants to be in a relationship with her friend, she never started working... She also says we could all live together (herself, her girlfriend, my son, her two daughters and myself - not the friend's husband though) or we could divorce... She says she still loves me and she will support me through school... She says divorce is up to me, for now she only wants to explore her feelings for the other person and possibly go live with her... She doesn't need to divorce me for the time being, she said...
I am confused, heartbroken, desperate, worried about my program, my future, my son, money... This is truly the worst time for this to happen. She says she wants me to be successful and finish my program (three more years to go) but I don't trust she actually will be supportive...
I am also from abroad, have no friends or family or support here in the US... She's all I have...

I'm truly in a bad situation.... Any help will be truly appreciated.

Last edited by Ludoncolo (February 16, 2017 2:59 pm)

 

February 14, 2017 11:15 pm  #2


Re: I'm afraid there are no solutions for my situation

They always pick the worst time to have an affair and do this.  The gay affair trumps any love for you
Or your kid.

I say don't leave your kid.  Or your inlaws home.  I would not leave unless the police removed me. 

I have no solution to the conundrum...they like to take their problems and make them your problem.  Then add more.

One "solution"  is do nothing...stay at the inlaws with your kid for 3 years?

Can you reach out to your local priest or church?


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

February 14, 2017 11:32 pm  #3


Re: I'm afraid there are no solutions for my situation

Welcome Ludoncolo. 

I'm so sorry you have to face this issue.  

You need to know that there are always solutions for your situation.  You just might not be able to see them yet.  Write down a list of priorities.. it will help you ground yourself a little bit at a time when the earth seems to be shaking beneath your feet.  

One day at a time.. Are there any major decisions that need to be made tomorrow?  

To give you advice I guess I would have to understand your priorities.  Is the degree your priority?  If so, then go ahead and move in with her to solve some near term problems..  IF you can handle the heartache of being around the love of your life while she's moving on to someone else.  If you can't do that, then maybe let it be a short term solution until another option presents itself. 

Be kind to yourself..  The heartbroken part is going to want to take over..  it's ok to let it happen.  Consider talking to the university to see if you can get a year delay on your acceptance  due to personal issues.. then maybe you can get some things sorted out and be in a better place?

No matter what.. know that you have friends and support here.  If you just need to vent.. share your story, ask for understanding..  please do it.  We've been through it and can help. 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

February 14, 2017 11:38 pm  #4


Re: I'm afraid there are no solutions for my situation

Thanks for reaching out Rob! I appreciate you trying to help.

My in-laws want to sell the house as they are retired and the house is too big. They said we can stay a few months, but the plan was never to stay three years... It was a temporary solution to sort out our situation and then move on... I know it couldn't be worse, but that's my situation... Plus if my wife moves in with her girlfriend and we split... I don't think my in-laws would want me here anyways...

Would you go live with her girlfriend and her girls? I can't see any other solutions for me at this time... 

Last edited by Ludoncolo (February 16, 2017 3:01 pm)

     Thread Starter
 

February 14, 2017 11:49 pm  #5


Re: I'm afraid there are no solutions for my situation

Thanks lostdad! I truly appreciate people here hearing my story out and trying to help me. I think I will have to do what you suggest. I don't know about the legalities of it, and I mean if it might affect me in the future, preventing me from proving I didn't consent with the adulterous relationship...

Given I can not postpone this program and that I've been working towards it for 5 years, working and studying for my bachelor prior to this, I can't let this go. I also already paid $12,000 for the classes of just the first semester. I am deep into it and I can't let go of this dream, even though my personal issues are taking a huge toll, which is why I'm trying to sort through my feelings instead of sleeping/studying. But this helps and I thank you guys out there for your kindness.

     Thread Starter
 

February 14, 2017 11:56 pm  #6


Re: I'm afraid there are no solutions for my situation

To be honest it can vary so you really should speak to a lawyer to see how any "arrangement" might affect your future. It doesn't mean you are moving forward, just finding out what the rights and responsibilities are for both parents and towards your son. If you are having open honest discussion on what is best you should have facts to work with and not potentially incorrect assumptions. Maybe it's best to split sooner? Maybe it's best if she holds off for a few years to get a better platform built so you can both move on without undue hardship? Who knows? Can she wait that long? Can you succeed at the Doctorate program while potentially watching her affections transfer to another person under the same roof as you? How does that affect your son? He's 8 but will see the changes. So many questions but the answers will start to form if everyone is honest.

For what it's worth, I'm not sure I could go that route. Being a fifth wheel probably isn't much fun.


“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
 

February 15, 2017 9:04 am  #7


Re: I'm afraid there are no solutions for my situation

Thanks Daryl.

It's very nice that there are people out there that are willing to put their time into helping others in need expecting nothing in return. I'm very grateful you people exist and it gives me a little hope in human kind through these very hard times...

I will investigate the legalities together with possible solutions... My wife seems to have moved on already... She's all joyful and sparkly, excited about her new life and looking forward to what's coming for her... Usually when I'm in a bad place she would sympathize and help me through it. I'm not saying I resent her cheerfulness, but seeing her all joyful while I'm in immense pain trying to figure out what to do with my life, just adds to the pain and makes me feel even more alone and isolated. I like to share my feelings with my loved ones, both my joys and my sorrows. Seeing her so happy while I'm in pain almost feels like my pain is pleasant to her. It's not the case: she's happy because she's in love. But she's not a receptor of my emotions, nobody is at this time... I don't want to call my family abroad and tell them what's going on... They think I'm living the dream of my life, in the land of opportunities... Instead I'm living the nightmare.... I'm not saying it'd be better if we were both in pain, but seeing the person you love unfazed by your pain is painful itself... It's not rational, but it makes me feel unworthy and basically insignificant.

That might be something else to put into the equation... If I live with them (my "wife", her girlfriend, and children), how is their happiness going to affect me while I'm studying, have no time to invest into new relationships and basically isolate from the whole world? No man's an island. I need loving people around, that care about my feelings.

Last edited by Ludoncolo (February 16, 2017 3:03 pm)

     Thread Starter
 

February 15, 2017 9:48 am  #8


Re: I'm afraid there are no solutions for my situation

Hi Ludoncolo,

​I suggest trying to find a local SSN meetup group it will help you to find live people to connect with.
​I believe what she is experiencing is NRE new relationship energy, and it will fade.  Others on here can speak to this but I've heard there is a tendency for them to come running back and profess their love for you when the shine wears off and the relationship doesn't work out. 

​It sounds to me as though she is being insensitive and selfish you have every right to feel the way you are.  She is putting all the decisions on your shoulders so she can be absolved of responsibilities.  I suggest she doesn't really want you to move in with them and expects you to refuse making you the bad guy the person who abandoned them.  Don't fall for this try to put it back on her shoulders.

Will this new girlfriend move her kids into the house as well?  There are practicalities that I don't think have been considered.  Are you expected to co-parent these other children in return for room and board?  Will your wife be financially supporting you out of her own money and partially supporting the other women as well.  I can't see this other woman wanting to chip in for your room and board. 
​Having said that if you can suffer through it and figure it out then you should take her up on her offer to support you as this is all her doing not yours.  You will have the additional 3 years with your son too.
​I do think you need to officially separate now while your income is low but you should consult a lawyer.  If your school has counselling maybe they can offer you some support.
Vicky
 


 
 

February 15, 2017 12:50 pm  #9


Re: I'm afraid there are no solutions for my situation

What did you do for a job before getting into this doctorate program?  Can you go back to doing that for now, to support yourself?  You two can work out what to do about your son (who he lives with, visitation, etc.).  Are you in any danger of being deported?

There are so many aspects of moving forward that each one deserves projecting it out to what you see it likely becoming, and then trying to feel what it would feel like to live that reality.  When you look at "finish doctorate" vs. "not finish doctorate", the choice is getting something vs. not.  So it seems like getting the doctorate would be the right choice, and then you line up the scenario necessary to make that happen.  But that's not really how it's going to be.  You would need to sit and think about these various situations and what you think they'd look and feel like.

Scenario 1: Move out of in-laws with wife, her girlfriend, and girlfriend's kids.  Go to school, be in a home that's essentially run by them as the couple of the house, and try to study hard and be clear-headed while watching your wife cheat gleefully on you.  Or comfort her when she's sad because she's had a fight with her girlfriend or things aren't what she thought they'd be.  You will be her comfort when her lover dissapoints her.  (you might think this would mean you'd get her back, but it won't last - she'll go back and forth with the girlfriend, or get a new one).

Scenario 2: Go back to work and get your own place and have your son live with his mom and do every-other-weekend visitation.

Scenario 3:  Go back to your country to rebuild your life - leaving your son.

Really SIT and marinate in the reality of how each of these scenarios would feel - what the likely outcome would be if you chose that scenario.  Toss out the one that makes you want to throw up.  Keep doing that until you're left with only the scenario that bothers you LEAST.  It's still not easy, but at least you could see yourself doing it.

The other option is to just put your foot down and tell her NO - you're NOT giving her permission to cheat on you, (a.k.a. "explore").  Wanna bet that if you give her that option, she'll move on from you right away?  She's only giving you the option to choose what you want because she has EVERY INTENTION of emotionally and intimately leaving you.  Whether you want to hang around and watch is the only choice you're being given.  She thinks that she's being good to you by giving you the choice of whether you want to watch her cheating unfold or not.  She's not.  She's so dead inside to you that she can hurt you in order to get what she wants - you wanna watch? Fine with her!  You wanna hang around and help cook and clean and raise the kids?  Fine by her - you can babysit while she and her girlfriend go on dates and hook up at hotels.  Or spend all their time in THEIR bedroom.  She has already moved on from you.  She just figures if she makes it look like she's giving you choices, that makes her look better.  But trust me, she WILL do what she wants if you don't pick something from the list she's given you.

I'm sorry you're in this position.  It's not fair.  And it didn't JUST happen.  She knew months if not years ago that she was gay.  She could have stopped you before you committed to this program, but she didn't.  Because that would have made her look bad.  She's got you when you're on a full roll, hoping that you'll be so focused on that that you choose to continue on that course.  She knew.  She just didn't respect you enough to tell you.

Kel

Last edited by Kel (February 15, 2017 12:52 pm)


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

February 15, 2017 8:00 pm  #10


Re: I'm afraid there are no solutions for my situation

Luduncolo,
   Your legal status is the most important element in your options.  Do you need to stay married to her and/or cohabit to stay in the country?  If so, your options are not as open as if you're a full citizen.  
  Your university ought to have a counseling center.  You should use it to see a counselor.
  You should go to the graduate advisor for your program and ask about options for support; in my experience (I'm a professor, of 25+ years) in my field PhD students are invariably supported, so see if there are options for a TA ship or an RA ship, or other support.  
  Only once you know for sure what routes are open and which aren't can you make an informed decision.  
  And I'm curious: do her parents, the grandparents of your child, know what she's doing/saying? 
    
   
   
   

 

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