Hi snowquail. 

I'm so sorry you are here.  This is a club that none of want to be in because it means we've been dealt a very difficult and painful situation in our lives.  This is a place where you will find people who have lived through what you are dealing with.  We are here for you and will help as much as we can.   Please feel free to post as much as you want.  Share your feelings and thoughts and fears and questions.  We are not professionals, so we do not offer professional opinions, but we will share our experiences and our best advice so help as much as we can. 

Your questions:
How do you protect your retirement funds:  My best advice is of course to find a lawyer.  You can typically get a low cost or free initial consultation and you can go to a few different lawyers.  Write down a ton of questions and see a few lawyers.  This will jump-start your education and help you find one you feel comfortable with if you chose to pursue divorce.  Just meeting with one doesn't mean you have to do anything..  but it doesn't hurt to start thinking, learning, and planning.   Based on my experience, I believe you have to file for divorce and you would need to also file an order for financial status quo.  This would require both parties to continue handling finances as normal with all bills getting paid and not allow either party to make any major purchases or stash and hide money, etc.. 

I don't know if we have any other members near you.  We are usually pretty anonymous with our locations to make sure we stay fully private.  If someone is in your area and can recommend they could send you a private message.  

Most states consider the money and all assets to be joint marital property (unless it was acquired before the marriage or was an inheritance and kept separate from joint accounts).  So this should mean that 50% of the money is his.. not 75%.  You should have a claim on 50% his retirement accounts (401k, pension, etc..).  But again, you would need to ask an attorney to get the best advice on this topic.  Try not to stress about money until you have more answers.  It will just chew you up and add stress to an already immensly difficult situation.  

Are you ready to divorce?  Great question that of course, only you can answer.  Some members have tried mixed orientation marriages and found success.  Some found that it only prolonged the inevitable.   Many of us gave thought to the idea for a short time and realized we already knew that for us it would never work.  You do need to process this question though.  It sounds like you already know the answer, but this is not a question to take lightly, so please give it a lot of thought and even consider a few sessions with a therapist or councilor to talk through it. 

You are NOT too old to start over.  You will have a happy life when you get past this.  Quite a few of us are retired or close to it and were divorced after 30-40 years.  You will be surprised how much you enjoy your retirement when you have the chance to live it on your terms.  

Hugs snowquail.  Please put yourself first and be kind to yourself.  Take things a day at a time.  Don't stress about things you cannot control at this point in time.  When you feel overwhelmed, take a step back and gather yourself.  This is a roller coaster and you will have many ups and downs along the way.  Be prepared for them and you will handle things well and get through it all.   Just one day at a time..  

 

Last edited by lostdad (January 21, 2017 10:20 pm)

I say file now before he blows all the money on his transition. .. maybe when he sees the legal bills hell think twice about paying for an operation?

Not sure he can see the selfishness and blatant disregard of you...and if he does not care then you have no choice but to leave.

A prayer for you..

Well, the divorce happened in June, although we are still waiting for his pension to start.  We are seeing each other twice a week. We take turns paying and it is dinner and sometimes a game of scrabble or a movie.  I have insisted he dresses in male clothes when I see him, and he does.   I suppose we are "pretending" but I truly do need him and still care for him. Both my kids say I should move on.  But I don't know how (we did everything together)  I could just break it off, but the ground would probably open up and swallow me up. But how long can I stand out in the acid rain?  Find a fella while still seeing my husband and wean off?  Is that even possible?   Or desirable?  Decide that I will just stay single?  How do I pull away? What do I do with the huge gap?  Do I remind myself he was all to willing to cause all this pain?    I know there are several stages of accepting.  But I haven't even gotten angry yet.  Should I try to get angry?  Or am I stuck on "I don't want to walk off this cliff".  I have accepted that he isn't going to change back.  So maybe it is more healthy to break it off.  But at this point in life (today is my birthday I turned 69), how can I start over?  I feel unable to move from our current arrangement.  But my son-in-law says that will leave him in the driver's seat and he may break if off at a really bad time. It is almost a year since I was blindsided by his decision. And it is almost 6 months after the divorce.  I feel somewhat stuck although I do look forward to our couple hours twice a week. I don't like to be alone for more than a full day.  I also see my daughter once a week, I see a friend once a week.  But this arrangement with my ex-husband just feels temporary. I don't even feel divorced.  Does anyone out there have some coping skills that I could borrow?

Hi Snowquail,
I’m so sorry for your pain. There isn’t a manual to prepare us for dealing with the bomb that was dropped into our marriages and families, and imploded our lives. My issue was gay, so that’s my disclaimer, but when I called quits, I had been married over 30 years. I spent a few months in the beginning on a hamster wheel of trying to understand and be supportive, and my anxiety and stress level was off the charts. I never, ever wanted him back, but I just wanted it to make sense. Guess what I found out? It didn’t, and it never, ever would. I went no contact with every single form of communication, ( our kids are older like yours, thank God) That’s the day I started to become empowered and heal . It’s going to hurt for a while for you, but you aren’t going to fall off of a cliff. Write down what you are afraid of, and come up with a list of ideas to fill in the time doing things you enjoy. If you enjoy movies, go by yourself, I go to movies by myself all the time. Instead of worrying about filling in the gap, look at it as an opportunity to do whatever you want, the decision is ALL yours. But I strongly advise no- contact. Good luck!

I appreciate all the comments and would like to report a new idea (that was probably obvious to you but not to me). I went through the entire divorce and aftermath without ONCE considering ending the relationship. This is a REAL BLIND SPOT.  I am glad I found it, but now I have to work on what to do with it.  Who divorces a person without ending the relationship?  Me. 

The concept of finding a therapist is a closed door because I tried that and found that the therapist was on his side.  She told me that "I didn't have a good enough reason to divorce" and basically treated me like the bad guy.  I suppose she does therapy for trans people and this was her first with the enemy. I cried on and off for two days and was in a funk for over a week. Needless to say, I cancelled all the future appointments.  This is not to say, anyone else cannot find that kind of help.  I caused some of that because I asked for "someone that knows something about this", and only signed up for the 4 visits the company allowed. 
   
Also, I am not strong.  I just know where I am weak. I made the immediate decision because I knew he liked to cross-dress and we had tried early in our marriage to incorporate it unsuccessfully. He makes a very UGLY woman connected with a personality change that I don't like.  Every 4 years it surfaced but went underground again.  We had two kids so I decided it was his "kinky" and stayed married.  Never did I think he would go trans!  He has so many masculine traits and features. Still does. (another blind spot?)  But he spends money like water so I knew something as expensive as the sex-change and  "facial surgery" was going deplete all our retirement money (another blind spot because all I was able to save was the house). 

Could I borrow a cup of coping skills here?  Where do I go now?