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January 12, 2017 3:38 pm  #1


Advice pls

Married for 18.5 years now, with 2 children under 12. Found out a little over a month ago that husband has had multiple male sexual encounters for more than a decade now (multiple meaning hundreds). He said he's known for a long time (even before we were married) that he is bi but wants to stick it out with our family, I am not sure how to trust him again. Is there truly a chance that he can commit to straightening his life and committing to only 1 partner (me)? Is divorce the right route to take at this point in our lives? How will my children cope up with the divorce if I decide to go this path? I want full custody of my kids if ever we do part ways, is this possible? He has a high-paying job, I am a stay-at-home mom. Appreciate any thoughts you can share....

 

January 12, 2017 4:04 pm  #2


Re: Advice pls

S&L, I'm so sorry you find yourself here.   what is it with new members this month!  It's like everyone is finding out all at the same time. 

Looking in from the outside, and having lived it and heard about it from so many others like us, my first impression is no, he can absolutely not commit to be faithful to you.  If you  had told me that it was with a woman (once), then maybe I'd say there was a chance.  But hundreds?  that's not good.  I'm sorry to be so blunt but hundreds means that he was able to lie multiple hundreds of times to you (because I'm sure it happened more than once with some of the men) and not even bat an eyelash.  And why does he say he's bi?  Were any of these women?  Not that it even matters at this point.  Hundreds is beyond comprehensible.  Why would you want to recommit yourself to this person?  The risk for STDs here is astronomical.  There is also the risk that if even 1% of these men are a little crazy, you run the risk of them following him home or intruding on your lives somehow.  Why would you want to hang on to that for the sake of the kids?

How did you find out?  Did he just come out and tell you or did you stumble upon this?  The experience we see here on this forum is that even if they admit to one encounter with a man then a) you can guarantee it will not be the last and b) what he's admitting to is only the tip of the iceberg.  There are always more secrets than they let on. 

I recommitted and recommitted only to be met with more lies and discoveries each time.  I did not know about any encounters, just lots of gay porn and pictures and dildos.  After four or five years of lies and him telling me he could stop at any time yet never being able to, I had had enough.  I think even knowing of one male encounter would be enough for me.  Please stop having sex with him if you haven't already.  Like I always tell everyone here - I knew of NO sexual encounters and yet I still ended up with herpes.  Don't be lax about your health or what he could have brought home.

As for custody - consult an attorney asap.  They can give you advice based on your state.  Good luck.  please keep posting.

 

January 12, 2017 4:27 pm  #3


Re: Advice pls

thanks for sharing your thoughts SW. 

How did i find out? All the signs were there for years and years now, but I just didn't have the courage to face reality then. Web browser logs, facebook searches, late night outs almost everyday, leaves the house very early on weekend mornings, almost 0 visibility in the house even on weekends, always irritable when asked about his whereabouts, always on his phone or on his tablet or laptop, basically, everything else that anyone can think of!

I finally had the courage to confront him early December 2016. I asked him to be brutally honest with me, and he did. I asked how he does things, turns out it's online sites, the gym (as I've always suspected), bars. I asked him to let me know the email account he uses. He did not want to, but I kept pushing him until he finally showed me the email address. I asked him to delete that email account to avoid any further temptations (since the bulk of his communications is in that email). He resisted the idea, but gave in. After 2 days, the curiosity in me kicked in, I recovered that email account, and voila! everything was there for me to see and read! craigslist, adam4adam, realjock, and a lot of "personal" emails from all these messed up men.  

"And why does he say he's bi?  Were any of these women?"
He told me (and I believe him) that he did anything with any woman, because for him, that is cheating. CRAP and TWISTED, I know! He said that in his mind, he's justifying his acts that as long as he does not do it to any girl, he's still sticking to that promise he made 18.5 years ago, that I am the only girl in his life. He also claims that he is attracted to women as well (not sure how true this is).  

"There is also the risk that if even 1% of these men are a little crazy, you run the risk of them following him home or intruding on your lives somehow."
This was also what my dad told me, that's why my dad is so insistent on me and my kids moving out of the house asap. There's still a lot to say in my mind. I'm just still so overwhelmed with all the things I keep finding out everyday....

Last edited by straightandlost (January 12, 2017 4:28 pm)

     Thread Starter
 

January 12, 2017 4:37 pm  #4


Re: Advice pls

straightandlost wrote:

Married for 18.5 years now, with 2 children under 12. Found out a little over a month ago that husband has had multiple male sexual encounters for more than a decade now (multiple meaning hundreds). He said he's known for a long time (even before we were married) that he is bi but wants to stick it out with our family, I am not sure how to trust him again. Is there truly a chance that he can commit to straightening his life and committing to only 1 partner (me)? Is divorce the right route to take at this point in our lives? How will my children cope up with the divorce if I decide to go this path? I want full custody of my kids if ever we do part ways, is this possible? He has a high-paying job, I am a stay-at-home mom. Appreciate any thoughts you can share....

I'm so sorry you are here.  I'm so sorry you find yourself in this situation.  You don't deserve this and it's just awful that you committed your life to your husband and he hasn't returned that with honesty and integrity and faithfulness. 

Is divorce the right route?  I'm generally not a proponent of divorce.  I hate it.  I always think it's worth trying to fix.  I suggest that you try marriage counseling first.  This will give you some clarity and help you with your thought process.  Plus you can always say that you tried.  But let's be honest.. if he's had hundreds of liasons..  he isn't worth the effort.  That's just garbage.  

Are you sure he is Bi?  or is it just gay?  There is a impact here..  If he's Bi, then he still finds you attractive and there might be a glimmer of hope.  If he's gay.. then sorry.. you are just prolonging the inevitable.  FYI.. most of the stories on this forum involve a husband who says he is Bi.. but that is a lie because that feels better than saying gay.  He lies to avoid admitting that he's really gay. 

Please get tested for STD's immediately and please don't have sex with him again.  You owe that to yourself and your kids.. your health matters!!!

Your kids are more resilient than you think.  Also, i've found through a lot of research that kids tend to do better with divorce the younger they are.  My sons are 8 and 11 and seem to be handling things like champs... much better than I am at least.   I think it just gets worse as they get older.  

Talk to a lawyer about custody.. or do a lot of online research.  Most likely as a stay-at-home mom with two young kids and given his infidelity I would think the judge would give you majority custody.. maybe dad would get every other weekend or something.. but I'm not an attorney by any means.

You can typically get free or low cost consultations with attorney's and ask a lot of questions.  Find one you feel comfortable with and start making preparations.  This way, when you decide that divorce is the right option you will be way ahead of him in the process and you'll keep him on the defensive.  Also, make sure you have access to finances in case things get sour and he tries to cut you off. 

Is there any chance he can straighten out and commit to you only?   That is different for everyone.  It's certainly possible.  If he's Bi and attracted to you, then that helps.  If he's only gay, then most likely it won't work.  He's obviously placed sex as a priority over his marriage, so if he craves sex from only men.. then I see no way he can commit to you only.  There is always a chance..  but remember that most of the wives on this forum had husbands who didn't want to come out as gay.  they wanted to be viewed as "normal", so they kept the wife and family and cheated on the side.. that way they got what they felt was the best of both worlds.  That seems to be a very common theme.  You deserve better that this.. please don't be a doormat. 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

January 12, 2017 5:05 pm  #5


Re: Advice pls

holy crap S&L.  I'm so sorry.  But I'm also so, so glad that you have the support of your family and that your Dad knows!  Does your husband know that he knows those details?  There's a little piece of me that thinks that's hilarious and hoping that your husband is incredibly embarrassed!  It's good that you have a place to go if you decide you want out asap. 

 

January 12, 2017 5:51 pm  #6


Re: Advice pls

Straightandlost - I'm very sorry that you have reason to be here --- and I'm even more sorry to say this, but...

There is a ZERO percent chance your husband will be faithful in the future.  He's been with hundreds of men for more than a decade and suddenly he's going to stop because you found out?  No.  I'm sorry, that won't happen.

He may cry and beg and plead and promise and do X,Y and Z but none of that changes the fact that he is primarily sexually attracted to men.  That is who he is.  That is who he will always be.

There are thousands of men and women who have desperately wanted to be "cured" of their gay attractions.  They've each paid a small fortune on seminars and boot camps and "reparative" therapy --- and for what?  Nothing but misery.  Some of the most hard-core religious groups that long advocated that homosexuality could be "cured" have shut down and given up.  Please, don't for a minute believe that your husband will ever change.  What he's been doing behind your back is who he is - a liar and cheat.

 

January 12, 2017 6:45 pm  #7


Re: Advice pls

Thanks Lostdad for your reply.
Is it actually worth it to do marriage counseling / couples therapy after all these sh*t? Has anyone actually lived through and ended up happy after therapy?

I believe him when he said that I still am the only woman for him, reason he wants to hang on to this very thin thread that's keeping this marriage together.  BUT, I don't see him changing his ways or any willingness to change his ways. He still regularly goes to the gym and to this cycle bar where he's had encounters with these men. He openly admitted to me that he wants to remain "friends" with certain men. He still responds to text messages and calls of men he's f'*d up. He sends via text msg birthday, christmas, new year's greetings to these select men, he considers his "friends", even after our talk that he completely avoid all of them. I do not know how true his words are when he claimed that he hasn't seen these special men (classified as "personal" in that email account) since I told him that I already know all that he's done. Just yesterday, I found out that he's logged back in to one of the websites he frequents This is after the fact that he told me last December that he hasn't gone to those websites after the initial confrontation, and that he doesn't plan on logging back in to any of those sites.

I have gone to my Dr. and had myself tested for HIV and STD, and all results came back negative. I also forced him to get tested again (another shocker: I found out that he does go for testing on a regular basis).

     Thread Starter
 

January 12, 2017 6:46 pm  #8


Re: Advice pls

SW:
Yes, he is embarrassed and he does not know how to face my parents and brothers if a chance meeting with them happens in the future. He knows that I come from a good family and my immediate family has shown him only goodness all these years.

     Thread Starter
 

January 13, 2017 8:32 am  #9


Re: Advice pls

Dear Catherine,
I am almost in the same boat as you! I was married for 1 year 11 months when I found a man to man sex encounter ad posted by my husband (in all his naked glory...FACE INCLUDED).  What I have learned is that he has had sexual encounters with 5 men and only ONE woman-but he isn't gay! "No I am not!!!" he swears.

My husband "plays" religious. He has love bombed me so much I got an ulcer (aka sending gifts of strap ons [why does he think I would EVER do that], slutty shoes, jewelry, flowers, coupons for a couples massage (where was that BEFORE discovery day!?!?!?...showing up daily... DAILY).

He gaslights me- "I am still sweet steve, I am LETTING you keep the modem [that you bought]!!!"  
He minimizes what he did, that it is EVIDENCE OF ABANDOMENT OF MARRIAGE IN COURT- "Please forget that fucking craigslist ad!!"  Of course you would want that wouldn't you?

So I have a few questions for you.  These are rhetorical...just answer them in your head if you dont want to do it publicly.
1) Has your husband frequently turned you down for sex?- In 1 year, 11 months of marriage I got sex 3 times (that averages 1.5 times a year). BEFORE we got married, we had it pretty regularily before the marriage but while in the engaged phase. I believe, in his mind, he could get excited because it was DEVIANT sex (aka sex out of wedlock. Against the religious "rules".  My husband likes having "secrets" that "no one would ever expect").
2) Does you husband need viagra/celexa/other drugs to have sex with you? - After I got married MINE DOES. He goes soft. Now, after discovery day, he has gone to a psychiatrist to get a viagra prescription and I am supposed to come in and "learn" about ED (aka erectile disfunction).  The thing is, my husband ADMITTED he doesn't need viagra to be with men, but he NEEDS it to be with me!  Do you see the problem here?  MY pussy doesn't do it for him. It is not ED. It is- "I am with the wrong gender"
-And here is the kicker-
3) Did your marriage vows have something along the lines of "foresaking all others"?  Do you know what that means? It means your hubby's dick is the ONLY dick. Your vagina is the ONLY vagina. When an opinion, thought, decorum, rule, more, or judgement is to be passed-the only one that matters is that of THE SPOUSE.  Your hubby has had HUNDREDS of other dicks. He broke that rule.  Mine has had "maybe" 5?" but he stepped out and TRIED to break the rule. My gaslighting husband writes me emails saying "I recognize I have hurt you. Please realize I promise you with 105% certainity I will never do it again!"  My retort to this is "You were supposed to NEVER do it? Remember our marriage vows! Did you not understand English, your native tongue, at that moment?  You picked that vow amongst MANY translations, I remember?"

So that is my question to you. He broke his vow. He isn't mentally handicapped. When he went into marriage with you, he was making a promise. He broke that promise HUNDREDS of times (per you). What makes you think he is going to keep his promise now?  The fact that you know?  Darling, that only gives him incentive to be more crafty!

Initially, I wanted to let my husband back or do an open marriage. But I listened to the experiences of other women in my straight spouse network meetings and I learned : 1) "The lies will only get more deeper and more twisted" 2) I will turn into a private detective...wondering if the new guy friend is REALLY just a friend...is the new girl at the office REALLY a new girl or is she a fuck buddy?...3) give me every password for every account you own so I can monitor it!!! 4) calling my cyber security/NSA/CIA/MIL (I keep the phone lines and internet safe for our soldiers!) friends for password popper programs [I live in DC. We are our own weird world here]. My point is: you will either go back to being a happy clueless chump that gets screwed over again...or you will wear yourself out to the point of exhaustion trying to physically and virtually track him down.

Since I am wearing shoes of the same manufacturer (can they be Nine WEST!?!?!), but different designer, I will tell you what I have chosen.
I have selected: Post nup (I got a retirement to protect...I am a fed worker...and my super religious MIL is on my side so he gets pressure from 2 ends), or divorce. I don't have the mental, physical, and emotional energy to live a lie. I don't want to be the human tracking him down like a private investigator. I just want him GONE so I can FORGET him and MOVE ON to being happy and content.

His drama has given me an ulcer. I hope you have more wear-with-all.
 

 

January 13, 2017 8:40 am  #10


Re: Advice pls

Strangeandlost-the advice was posted to you. I inadvertently wrote Catherine...the post beneath yours.
Please accept my apologies in advance. The advice is totally for you.

 

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