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January 12, 2017 2:27 pm  #1


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Last edited by Cat (January 17, 2017 1:13 am)

 

January 12, 2017 2:37 pm  #2


Re: ...

"..Am i supposed to be grateful and just forget about a real marriage and true love and share my husband with whom ever he chooses? ""

No,  I don't think God had us marry for that reason..    No..   Just no.


"Who would want a sexless disabled old woman who cant even support herself anyway......"

I never wanted a woman that could support herself..  But I did want a loyal and faithful woman.  Sex yes..it seems a given.   Are you sure your sexless because of you or because your spouse mad sex terrible in his dislike of woman?

So sorry Cat  but even if your disabled you did nothing wrong.   This is not your fault.


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

January 12, 2017 2:47 pm  #3


Re: ...

Oh Cat,  I'm so sorry.  Welcome to our little group.  I'm glad you found us.

Unfortunately, he doesn't sound like your soul mate.  You say he's been angry for a long time and blames you.  that's not a soul mate.  Also - you say that you are supposed to be supportive of him looking for friends with benefits!  Who said that?  I hope not the counselor!  You don't have to be supportive of that at all!  I'm also curious as to what the counselor says about his personality disorder and what she recommended you do about that.

You said your kids have long since moved away.  Are they old enough to help you get settled somewhere else, closer to them?  Or are they in their 20s, still trying to create their lives and decide where they want to live?  Have you shared your situation with them? 

Please share more with us when you have a chance.  Suicide is not a viable option.  Don't be afraid to talk with someone about that.  Call the therapist or a hotline whenever that enters your mind.  Keep sharing here.

 

January 12, 2017 2:58 pm  #4


Re: ...

Hi Cat,

I found out at 16 years, too.  I'm not sure what it is about that number.  I'd think maybe it was more related to the age of the individual who's been holding in their sexuality all these years, but I'm not sure that's it, either.  My was wasn't even 40 when our whole thing blew up.  Maybe 16 is the year of apathy?  I dunno.

I'm really sorry to hear about your circumstances and how limited you are.  But more than that, I'm really dismayed to hear how much your physical limitations are making you feel like you have no emotional options here.  Like physically limited = emotional desert / no choices.  And that.... sucks.  I mean, realistically, most people looking for love want the most available to them - an able-bodied person who has no limitations.  However, that's only one part of a person.  And even people who aren't considered disabled have limitations.  I'm 46 and overweight with horrible knees - one already replaced and the other on the slow decline toward that.  We should all go to a themepark!  No,... Mom can't walk all day like that.  Let's go sleeding!  Are you kidding?  mom can't get up and down the hill.  Let's go on a hike!  Ummmm.... NO.  Remarkably, my family never complains.  They are quite used to my limitations and it's just part of their life.  My new sister-in-law is beautiful, young(ish), thin, healthy, fit.  But horrifically allergic to nuts of all kinds.  So much so that even making all food from scratch isn't good enough - one of the food ingredients (even spices) might have been processed in a plant that's not considered nut-free.  And then she'll go into anaphalactic shock and need to go to the hospital.  You can't just order take-out pizza or go out to dinner at any old place.  It's a complete lifestyle.  I'm sure my brother wasn't looking for that.  But he fell in love with her.  And he'll deal with the nut allergy.  Because he loves her and if that's the cost of being with M, then so be it.  So please don't think you're lucky to have found someone to put up with you.  If he's not more than willing to do what it takes (even if it's hard or tiring) because he adores you, then you haven't got anything in him that you can't get elsewhere.  You're lucky if you found someone who cherishes you and adores you DESPITE the illness.  Not just someone who meets your physical needs but none of the emotional ones.

You live in the U.S., correct?  Are you on disability?  It seems to me that a lot of the care you need might be covered if you were to look into it.  Then you could eliminate "I depend on him" from the list of why you stay with him.  Just a suggestion.

Kel


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

January 12, 2017 4:07 pm  #5


Re: ...

Cat, please don't even think for a second about suicide.  You are valuable, you have a good life to live.  You have people who love you (your kids, friends). 

Please don't let a man who has treated you poorly cause you to take your own life.  You deserve better and you can find happiness.  Don't take your own life because of what awful things he has done to you. 

You are right to believe in the sanctity of marriage.  That is what you signed up for and the vows you and he both made to each other.  Sex is just a part of marriage and the lack of sex doesn't mean the other party is free to have affairs and seek others.  That is betrayal and cheating and is wrong.

You are valuable!  You deserve better and you will live a happy life even without him.  Whether you are on US or Canadian citizenship there should be social security and disability benefits available to you so that you can go into assisted living or get help from some other source.  You are also entitled to spousal support and a portion of his assets.. depending on the state you live in, etc..  Can you move closer to your kids for support?

You can use the phone and internet to start doing some research and homework on the laws and benefits available to you.  If you're like me.. you'll find that just doing something pro-active is very good for your self-esteem and will help you feel better.

Also.. being here on this forum is amazing.  You will get support that you need and you'll also likely find that giving support to others feels very good as well.

Cat.. we care about you very much.  You are one of us now.  We need you and you need us.   PLEASE don't think about suicide another second.  If that becomes a regular thought please seek help professionally.  Heck.. If you want, please feel free to send me a PM and I'll give you my cell phone and we can talk anytime.  I make it my own personal mission anytime I hear someone talk about suicide.  Please don't do it!  You will get through this and there are better times ahead.

(hugs)   


PS..  My marriage was 16 years as well.  We got married young out of college and last summer when she hit 40 she decided she couldn't be in a hetero marriage anymore.  There is something about that 16 year mark..  another is around 27-30 years.  It seems like it happens during phase changes in life.. ages 40 and 65 tend to be major points in life where people feel like they need to make changes.  

Last edited by lostdad (January 12, 2017 4:10 pm)


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

January 13, 2017 9:20 am  #6


Re: ...

Cat, 

I'm glad to hear that you are not seriously considering suicide.  Please promise me you will get help or reach out to someone if that becomes something you spend time contemplating again in the future.  You are valuable and have goodness left in your life.  You can help others with the lessons you have learned through the difficulty in your life.  You are valuable!!!

I would recommend doing some research on the possibility of moving back to Canada to be near your children and get the disability and retirement benefits that are available to you.  You said that you are very settled in your routine here and I'm sure it would be challenging to move.  But you are a strong woman and I know you would be able to make it work.   I just think you should put some thought and energy into having that as a backup plan.  If your husband won't be monogamous or decent to you and stops taking care of you and supporting you, having already considered a backup plan that you can put into motion would be very valuable. 

Take care of yourself Cat!  We are so glad you are here
 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

January 13, 2017 10:26 am  #7


Re: ...

lost dad - I agree.  I know making the trip back home and away from the home you know now seems extremely difficult but it could be done slowly.  Your kids have offered to help and that's 80% of the battle!  They could start by researching places were you could get therapy.  Your husband doesn't need to know a thing until the plan is complete.  In the long run, after all is settled, don't you think you'd be happier around your real family and your loving grandkids? 

 

January 13, 2017 2:42 pm  #8


Re: ...

Hi Cat, I'm just thinking that if he is being nicer now when you are complaining maybe you shouldn't stop complaining. If you are living with a narcissist then you are the grown up, but you have to look after yourself not him.

 

January 13, 2017 5:38 pm  #9


Re: ...

Well I, for one, think you should start up an online friendship with a kind man who would value your conversations daily.  If he can have what he wants, you should be free to feel not so lonely, too.  Who knows what it would blossom into?

K


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

January 13, 2017 5:47 pm  #10


Re: ...

I know it is tough but however 'nice' he is, he is a bully.  He will treat you better when you stand up to him and worse when you don't.  Either disengage entirely and make your plans to leave or disengage as much as you need to but turn the tables on him, push back, be a bit aggressive, make him walk round you.

best of luck

 

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