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January 11, 2017 11:23 pm  #1


Blindsided....

My husband and I have been together for 27 years...22 of those years married.  We have one child, a daughter, who is thirteen.

About two years ago, my husband was diagnosed with low testosterone and began monthly injections.  At the beginning of 2016, the doctors informed him that his testosterone levels dropped more and he would need to do bi-weekly injections.  He began having anxiety and sleeping issues.  He would hear a song on repeat in his head for days.  Because of his insomnia he would stay up late watching Netflix.  One night he stumbled upon the movie "That Sugar Film" which is about a high sugar diet built on false pretenses that you are eating healthy.  This documentary lead him to become paranoid about the food industry.  He started to obsess about his sugar intake.  In four months, he lost forty pounds.  Almost to the point he has become anorexic.

In the meantime while I noticed a change or shift in his personality, our friends started to really see it.  He would be present at a party but not really be there. This once jovial and happy guy was distant and distracted.  I would mention it to him but he would brush it off as stress from work.  But I knew better and suspected that something was seriously amiss. 

As the year continued his mood swings progressively got worse.  He became angry, agitated and quick tempered...all the while denying it and blaming me. 

I finally confronted him Dec. 1st.  I had reached my limit.  I was tired of walking on egg shells around him.  I never knew which version of him I was going to get.  He admitted that he wanted a divorce.  He had been seeing a counselor for months.  He also consulted with the three divorce attorneys(one even telling him I could receive nothing).  He told me he was going to serve me papers supposedly the following week.  Needless to say I was completely caught off guard and shell shocked. 

After about two weeks of very tense interactions, I finally asked if he had someone else.  He responded with a no.  I said that if you aren't having an affair than you must be gay.  He started crying and said he was bisexual.  The counselor he had been seeing did some testing on him.  Visual stimulation test and something else...which lead to the conclusion he was bisexual and could never truly love a woman. 

So here I am 42 days later trying to come to terms with all of this.  At first I was supportive and still somewhat am.  I do love him.  He has been my best friend for 27 years.  But now I'm starting to have severe anger issue almost to the point that I am disgusted with him for lying.  I'm not ashamed of the gay part but angry because he lied all these years.  At the very beginning of our relationship, he broke up with me in college within a couple of hours of doing so his roommate(best friend from high school) told him his was gay.  Why not admit then and there that he had these feelings?  Instead he came back to me three on the later asking to get back together,   We spent the next twelve years together dating and married before we had our daughter.  He had twelve years to tell me. 

Now I'm in my self pity mode.  Why me?  What have I ever done to deserve this treatment?  UGH!  It's super frustrating and lonely.  I am completely emotionally exhausted. 

I apologize for the long rant.  I just needed to get it out. 

Any and all advice would be appreciated...

Catherine

 

January 12, 2017 7:14 am  #2


Re: Blindsided....

Catherine,

Yes, you are in shock, who wouldnt be.     Gather strength by finding your own therapist, lawyer, priest/rabbi/pastor..  See a doctor or phyciatrist who may prescribe antidepressants to help.   Do this is small baby steps ..at whatever  pace you can manage.  Perhaps one day open your own checking account,  the next day call some lawyers.   If you can't do that.. just get out of bed.

These are the steps that need to be done.   But Its 50 times as hard because we are usually in shock and it takes strength to even breath or get out of bed.    


//General rant//
Unfortunately  these wonderful spouses of ours drop this on us after they have already snuck around, cheated, seen an attorney , (in my ex's case) picked out a house to live with their lover, etc.    We are left wondering what we did wrong.  We would never sneak behind their back let alone cheat..   It is this breaking of trust and blatant lack of morality that shocks and paralyzes us.    We then have to navigate a
dealing with the betrayal, hurt and separation while in a debilitated state.    We need to seek help and support where ever we can find it.      Our spouses have outright betrayed us and  we need help for ourselves and kids.  
Because these horrible spouses are not looking out us or the kids.
This we know deep in our bones.
//

You did nothing wrong.  You don't deserve this.      Start taking baby steps for you and your kid.


 

Last edited by Rob (January 12, 2017 7:22 am)


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

January 12, 2017 10:48 am  #3


Re: Blindsided....

Rob nailed it.. 

You are in shock.  It is having mental and physical impact on you.  don't feel bad or guilty because of it.. be kind to yourself.  Take things a day or an hour at a time.  When you are ready to start taking some steps forward please start by getting help and support.  See a Dr and Therapist to get sleep meds/anti-depressants to help take the edge off.  Then start to learn about your rights with divorce and finances so that you can protect yourself and your daughter in the future.

I've been in self-pity mode for a long time.  It's normal.  We have every right to say "Why Me?".  Why did I have to get stuck with this life.. that spouse who lied to me for so many years and then turned into someone completely different.  It is absolutely not fair.   But at some point we have to realize that there is nothing we can do to change the past.  We can only change the future.  We take baby steps at first and start walking, then running forward toward a new and happier life.  

You will make it..  

We will help you.  

Please continue to post here and share your thoughts and feelings.  Having people reply with support and advice is so wonderful.  Knowing that there are real people out there who have gone through what seems like a completely unique situation is so helpful.  We are here for you. 
 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

January 12, 2017 1:07 pm  #4


Re: Blindsided....

I'm so sorry Catherine.  I agree with jkpeace - that makes him gay, not bi.  That whole statement doesn't even make any sense!

I went through a lot of the self pity you're describing.  From time to time it still creeps up on me even years later.  But, oddly enough, my ex mother in law said something to me once that I've shared here before.  She went through a lot of suffering earlier in her life including losing a young son to cancer.  We have remained close even throughout the divorce.  She is a very sweet and very spiritual person.  She is a Christian but studies other religions in her retirement.  One time we were emailing back and forth and I was so sad and I remember typing the words "why me"??  She responded with: the question you have to ask yourself is, why not you? 

I know at the stage you're in  that you may not be ready to hear that yet.  But for me, who at the time was already five + years into it....it hit me like a ton of bricks.  I realized that everyone has extreme emotional pain at some point in their lives.  For me it was the gay thing.  For her it was losing her son.  If I step back, I see that many if not all of my friends and co-workers have suffered great pain from cheating spouses who have lied for 20 years, sick children, miscarriages, losing parents at a young age, awful car accidents.  No one escapes pain in their life.  Unfortunately, this is just your time and your thing.  For me, looking at it from that angle helped me immensely.  I mean, who the heck was I to assume that everyone else around me should have bad things happen and that I should be exempt?  I started to look at things a whole lot differently from that point.

Like I said, I had already had years of living in the why me phase at that point so I was ready to hear and understand her level of thinking.  She wasn't trying to minimize my suffering.  I think she was absolutely right. 

All that said, I know you're in a terrible place right now.  Why people think it's ok to carry out a lie for so many years is very hard to comprehend.  What concerns me here is that he consulted not only one, but three different attorneys?  Why?  Did the first one not tell him what he wanted to hear?  Did he pick the one who said you would get nothing?  Also, has he served you yet?  And in a divorce where the parties are still talking and living together, you don't have to be served.  He can hand the papers to you.  There's a fee to be served which can easily be avoided.  This all seems very strange to me.  Make sure you interview lawyers of your own since he has chosen this route.  Don't be caught off guard.  Familiarize yourself with your accounts if you haven't already and make sure there haven't been any large withdrawals.  This is the part that angers me the most.  It's not enough that he lied the entire time but now he wants to make it so you get nothing?  This isn't a why me thing....it's a why is he such an ass thing!  I know it's hard when you're still in shock, but you need to prepare for whatever it is he has coming.  Hang in there and come here for support.

 

January 13, 2017 12:00 am  #5


Re: Blindsided....

Thank you for all the replies to my message.  It truly helps to know that I'm not alone. 

As for the comment about him being bisexual and never being able to truly fall in love with a women...I agree it means he is gay.  He still labels himself bisexual because he supposedly still loves me and is attracted to me but not in love with me. 

The therapist he has been seeing administered some testing.  One was visual stimulation that showed he was attracted to both sexes.  The other test - which I still dont understand what was involved - proved that he couldn't truly comment himself to a woman.  Personally- I think the therapist is creepy.  My husband is an engineer and loves numbers/statistics.  This therapist  continues to tell him how he has counseled 411 people through this marriage ending/coming out party.  It's as though he wants him to be number 412. 

I definitely know I'm struggling with the why me.  Why me because I had a rough up bringing....lost both parents by the time I was 17.  When I met my husband at 20, he instantly became my knight in shining armor.  We were friends from the start...friends with benefits.  I was raised to treat others as you would like to be treated.  I would have never in a million years dragged another human being though this type of torment.  My one and only consolation is our daughter.  I remind myself everyday what a blessing I have with her. 

Honestly - I do appreciate everyone's advice and comments.  Both the painful and encouraging words - I need to hear them.  I think I keep hoping this nightmare will suddenly go away and things will return to normal.  Well, they can't return because the trust has been demolished.  I can't live in denial.  I'm taking baby steps....one hour...sometimes one moment at a time. 

One day I hope this incredible ache I feel inside will soften.  I have to believe in something.

     Thread Starter
 

January 13, 2017 5:22 am  #6


Re: Blindsided....

Keep the faith Catherine.  It gets better.  As my guru Jim Henson says, "Life's like a movie, write your own ending, keep believing keep pretending...."   Sometimes we have to muster up hope of a better life.  Try not to live in the "Why Me?".  You've already identified some of the good things in your life.  Stay true to who you are...

Hugs


“Above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely of places.”
 

January 13, 2017 7:33 am  #7


Re: Blindsided....

Catherine,

Sadly my now ex turned out not to be my soulmate or princess to rescue me.  She has shaken my faith in humanity in general..I believe in God more now for sure.

Here on this board I find many kind people though..hurt yes..but moral, authentic and kind.  I think our spouses are simply broken people that we loved strongly and fiercely.  I use the word broken because they hurt us so much.. we could not lie and deceive the way they did.  I could not treat even an enemy or stranger the way my ex treated me..I just don't have it in my bones. .but she did.

In my pity party...
I don't think "why me" so much as "I didn't deserve this.. I treated her so kindly and lovingly.. I could not have treated her better..I gave her all of me."

But now it's time to move on..to do what needs to be done.  I'm alone now but ok...im alive..im still the same kind person I was..I did not turn into a monster  (like her).   I have integrity and trustworthiness...I do not lie or cheat or hurt.  She took many things away from me but not my basic morality and faith.   Im going to move on with what I have..my kindness, my empathy, my fierce love.. myself and kids get that now. 

A sincere e hug (virtual but authentic)


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

January 13, 2017 7:55 am  #8


Re: Blindsided....

Catherine,
You ask "why me"? I have been asking that for 31 years and have realized through reading these posts and learning what a narcissist is that nothing in my marriage of 31 years has every been about me. It has always been about him. If you examine your life with him you will realize this. What we spouses go through is much like when someone has died, and in a sense, something has died,our life as we knew it. There are stages of grief that we go through, not in order and sometimes over and over. Look up the stages of grief. I have finally done the acceptance part. I accept who he is. Not what he has done to me.
You are just beginning to realize what is, take your time ,take care of yourself, and know that we are here to help you.

 

January 13, 2017 10:05 am  #9


Re: Blindsided....

Oh Catherine.  You're right, that's crap.  After knowing what you went through with your parents, he should have and could have been the man to step up to be your true life partner.  What an ass.  knowing what he knew and still going through with his life of lies makes it that much worse.  I say let the creepy therapist bring him to be number 412.  Good riddance!  Let him go live his new authentic life and you can get started on yours.  It's a long road, but this site definitely made it easier for me.

 

January 13, 2017 3:52 pm  #10


Re: Blindsided....

Yeah, the comments from the therapist are very creepy.  I've had the thought for a very long time, that many within the behavioral sciences who themselves might be gay...are they pushing their own agenda? In our hurt, pain, seeking advice and guidance can we really trust some of them?  Truly, makes me wonder.  



 

 

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