My wife and I have been married for 15 years, together for 17.

Its always been a rough ride but hey marriage is meant to be like that isnt it?  I always deep down knew it wasn't, that there was something not right but couldn't put my finger on it.

3 months into our relationship my then gf got pregnant, it had been a wild quick romance up to this point but I loved her and I am an honourable bloke, so we merged our lives together. I sold my house and moved in with her. Sex life took a downturn here but she was pregnant so gave her space, unfortunately the sex never reappeared until she want another child, then it was back to full on. Repeat the above til we have four kids.  I always felt a bit used, deep down i knew she just wanted more kids but she always denied this, . Words NEVER matched to her actions.

She is devoted to our kids but in some way only as an extension to her image she portrays to the outside world, shes a cubscout leader, been on the school pta, had very few friends over the years all women, but friendships never lasted long.

She always wanted control of the finance, with myself working I was more than happy to let her control the home finances.

She resented me working from home, and would disappear off for the day with friends leaving financial stuff not done or forgotten about

A few years ago we were walking in the park when I started feeling pain in my right shoulder,  I was told to stop being a twat and walk faster, so we walked home with the kids up the hill me in pain. The pain continued for a week or so then died down.

Three months later happened again, I asked her to take me to hospital, she refused so I drove 10 miles to the local ED, where after a few hours they told me id had a heart attack, aged 36.

After the usual about a week later i was discharged home, within another week after much whipping I was back at work. The pains continued and i kept going back to hospital to be told nothing wrong but the pains kept continuing along with the hospital visits.

In her line of the family the women always had had their overies removed before aged thrity, and she fell victim to this disease as well. allthough unlike her mum shed been pleased to have more than one child.

I got a job working long hours, the money was amazing, the job was easy but very tiring and the firm i worked for was bad, the worst ever! But the wife seemd happier with me not being around so much.

Eventually after a few years and much stress at work and multiple hospital visits i couldnt work anymore, the hospital had been lying, my consultant admitted other heart attacks they had kept hidden from me.  I was now living with daily pain from unstable angina, had lost hearing in one ear, and developed other problems related to heart stuff that stopped me from walking much more than a few meters without causing fatigue and more pain.

Our world financially started to crumble, the small amount of savings we had went and some inheritance id had from my uncle passing also went, then after 22 years of working we claimed benefit for the first time ever. Our sex life by this point was non existent, she now had a very convenient excuse, she didnt want to make me any worse.


However her demeanor changed, she became more angry with me and the children.  If what you say had three different ways to interpret shed always pick one that would start a fight, then it became totally innoculous things shed react to like 'how was your day?'

Id be tasked with 'deal with your son' when hed done something wrong, if i asked what he had done then i was shouted at, if i then went to nberate him id be shouted out for either not doing it enough, or being over the top.

I couldnt do anything rihgt, the verbal abuse was getting more and more extreme, shed tell our kids there was nothing wrong with me, dads just lazy.  He doesnt listen to you or me, he doesnt care.  Id avoid her and by extentsion as she was with them in the evening my children, if she found me with them she would say, doing nothing productive i see. etc.

She kept saying i had memory issues, shed told me that etc but i knew she hadnt, she went round telling neighbours friends my GP anyone who would listen about how irresponsible i was, my memory was bad , she doesnt want to leave kids with me, etc

It reached an all time low a few months back not only was she making my life miserable but my sons as well(the girls could do nothing wrong), so I started sticking up for myself and in turn my son started sticking up for himself too.

It was never her fault, shed get caught in a lie but just get even more angry, her favourite line..... I knew it would be my fault. My fifteen year olds sons come back, thats because it is.

Whilst all of this was going on i kept saying to myself i cant work it out, why is she like this.

With the last bit of our savings she bought a new van much to my reluctance, but she argued it would help with mobility equipment when i went for days out with the kids and her.  this never transpired, she always took them to places i couldnt go to.  She left me sleeping on my daughters birthday in the morning when she was opening presents, she told the kids not to wake me, she told me they tried to wake me but i refused. I was furious i knew i was being bullied by exclusion, the kids just repeated everything she said like a mantra, they knew the anger would be aimed at them otherwise.

I was nagged to get rid of my car so we could pay off part of the loan on the van, i was very reluctant and said to my son that i think she may be planning to divorce me, he bless him said no she wouldnt do that.  All the while shed joined a new running club a few months earlier and was off every other day for a run, then tea or a chat, these visits got longer and longer, then it was nights out with the girls from the running club.

Shed been guarding her phone, snapping at the kids if they went near it, changed passwords on her electronic devices, her temper was at its height mostly aimed at me.

Three days before christmas we were going out,  i wanted to go out together but that was a flat no, i knew there was something wrong.

One day her mother was here and shed left the phone unguarded, it has a fingerprint login which i helped her set up when shed got the phone months earlier, id registered mine too in case of an emergency where i might need to use it.

And there it was...... the reason.

TGT, very explicit messages with another woman from the running club, about spending the night together, being slutty etc shed sent my daughter up to retrieve the phone, I brought it to her with the page open.

I will never forget the smirk she had on her face. her mother was ushered out the door. She admitted the relationship(hard not to given texts) but she isnt a lesbian but she does want a divorce.

She sent a short text to her mum shortly after, shit he knows, will explain all.

Her mum was told shortly after, she cried as shes very racist and homophobic, apparently shed been helping my wife with the divorxce stuff for months, getting money squirrled away, she knew there was someone else, but until then did not realise it was another woman.

The kids 10,11,13,15 were told two days after christmas we were splitting up, they took it badly. they were also told about the other woman, the youngest two didnt really care they'd allready met her, she was nice,  my eldest daughter blames me!  my eldest, my son can see straight through all the lies, deceipt and refuses to talk to his mum, or grandmother for her part in everything.  I get the blame for this too!

Since then ive found shes taken more money from the bank and hidden it, she wants everything amicable(her amicable is not mine).

She started telling the kids yes theyve kissed and cuddled but shes not a lesbian and shes not been having an affair, dads lying.

And so the deceipt now weighs heavily, she gives her version of honeyed truth to the kids but told them if dad tries to talk to them tell him your not interested.  Shes told everyone we know I cant look after the kids, but most nights disappears to her lovers house(who has ten properties and another sizeable income)

I don.t care about her being gay, it answered alot of questions, I am not homophobic.

I felt releif and I went straight to anger phase, anger that sisxteen years of my life has been wasted, my health has suffered under her brutal rule.  She wants me to move out and leave kids with her, the pressure shes putting me under to get everything going quickly is extreme.

The worst part even though she has been caught in her lies shes spinning more,shes told me she will throw mud, in her words im a big bloke who would anyone beleive.

I know ive been deceived, i look back now and think of all the times id questioned her on us, and shed always said she didnt want another man in her life.  I think her need to have kids before they took her overies outweighed her choice of being out of the closet, i was just the patsy, a good man who wouldn't cause a fuss when she finally fessed up.

The anger I feel now is how can any human being treat someone like this? She would see me pennyless, homeless, and unable to earn just to keep her lie secret?

Any advice on how I handle things from here?




 

Last edited by UKDad (January 11, 2017 8:23 pm)