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January 11, 2017 11:22 am  #1


Recovery

OK, so you find out you unknowingly married a closeted gay spouse. Once you get through the devastation, it's time to look at you and what may have caused you to end up in this situation in the first place.  This post is not for newbies, you're probably not ready to hear this. But, tuck in away because you will need to revisit this thought when you are ready to release the pain and indignation of what was perpetrated on you. 

I am 4 and 1/2 years post disclosure.  I was completely devastated. My whole world as I knew it exploded. I was married 28 years to a man I thought was my soulmate. Oh yes, there were red flags. My marriage never felt like the loving relationship I pictured marriage to be. I could have probably figured it our years ago if I were so incredibly trusting, supportive and giving to a fault. I believed every emotionally manipulative thing my GXH ever told me.  He could explain away anything. That's because he was a narcissist and I was/am a complete codependent.  I was raised to be the ideal, obedient, understanding wife. You need to travel 50 to 60 % of our marriage because it's important for our business?  Of course I understand. You need to go off and have your personal time even though you travel constantly? Of course I understand. You need to buy a cabin up north so that when you're not working you have a place to go unwind? Of course I understand!! I'm a wonderful understanding spouse!!! I suspect most of us fall into this category. 

I have come to understand that my upbringing with a narcissistic father and a completely codependent slave of a mother set me up perfectly to be prey for this situation. I'm not saying I deserved this is any way...none of us did. All I am saying is there comes a time when you must realize that you are a part of the equation.  We were chosen. Make no mistake. They needed to be the selfish ones so they needed to find someone who would put up with their selfishness.  Enter us. My GXH actually plucked me from a neighboring state to love bomb me and prepare me to enter his world and his life plan. I believe he planned from the beginning to live a double life. He knew he was gay but due to family pressures, did not want to live openly as a gay man. SOOOO his solution was to present the proper straight looking life while acting on his true orientation in secret. He was not in denial. I truly don't believe in denial. I think they know what they are doing from the start.

So, once you get this, you make the conscious decision to begin to heal. This is when we need to look at us. What caused us to put up with all of this foolishness? Well, it's something about us. I believe the root is in our own codependent personalities or perhaps just the need to be the perfect spouse. I urge all of you to delve into some of your own personal personality characteristics of why you may have been chosen.

You will heal from this. If you actively seek healing, you will find it.  I am far beyond the hurt. He is really currently a speck in my rear view mirror. I can even interact with him and feel nothing. So now, I am focused on working on me so that I will not end up with anyone who would use and abuse the love I have to give. I had to make the decision to no longer hate him and that was the beginning of my true healing. Carrying around hate affects all of your relationships and the way you approach life. Unfortunately it's so toxic that it doesn't just affect your dealing with your ex, it affects everything and everyone you interact with.  I highly recommend releasing that.  I'm working on forgiveness (the toughest step of the healing process) and hope to be there one day too.  

 

January 11, 2017 12:26 pm  #2


Re: Recovery

Dancer beck,
Were you writing my story?  I was married to this person fo 31 years. Everything you said is exactly what was told to me. He lied by omission, traveled for business 300 days a year. Bought a 40' motor home.  I am now in the process of a divorce after being separated for 3 years. The betrayal is very hard for me,but as you say, I was codependent. I will heal from this. I am not past hating him. I am working on this and forgiveness.. One day at a time is all I can do.

 

January 11, 2017 1:47 pm  #3


Re: Recovery

Absolutely correct. When I learned about narcissists I ended up discussing this with my parents to explain why everything was so messed up. Once I was done my mother let on that I just described my grandmother. Turns out she isn't the sweet old lady she lets on, she's a monster to her kids and their keeping her secret personality for her. I don't know the exact reasons for it all but I do see that there's something in the way my parents and relatives placated her that affected me to life this way with my ex.

It helped illuminate things but ultimately, as you say, it's on us to make sure we don't continue the cycle.

 

January 11, 2017 4:40 pm  #4


Re: Recovery

I don't take to this idea of calling someone co-dependent as if it is a bad thing.  If it is reciprocal what you have is a loving marriage.  Try telling your pets they've got to stop being co-dependent.  I can't imagine what my goldfish would say - and anyway they'd just end up starved to death.

There was someone here recently and I found myself saying this isn't about your marriage it's about you.  

I needed to do it, I needed to say who I am.  If you can't stand up for yourself then you can't expect other people to support you either.  I remember having these thoughts at the time.  Immediately I understood he was gay in denial I wanted a divorce.

ps denial doesn't mean you don't know, it means you're not telling.

the deceit of a closeted spouse is not something a person capable of a loving marriage inherently knows or understands is possible by anyone.  we live and we learn.  pretty scary isn't it.  I'm so grateful for the people who really do love me.



 

Last edited by lily (January 11, 2017 4:47 pm)

 

January 12, 2017 4:48 am  #5


Re: Recovery

jkpeace

I'm still smack dab in the middle of mine.  Don't know if you seen this previous post, hopefully something helps


REPOST:
Hello,
Let me start by saying this can be for the guys too that are living with bi/gay wives.  Sorry I do not know all the terms for different preferences.  The way I see it, not important.  If you think your in a straight relationship and your spouse isn't, then the label is pointless.
I'm just starting to ask the question if my husband is.  I have not come out and asked for the simple fact I do not want to ask that of a straight man.  Most straight men will not tolerate that question, and in a straight relationship would add fuel to the fire if there already is problems.
Anyway, I have been reading posts, keeping my eyes and ears open.  I've learned the term "Gaslighting", thank you Vicky.  I knew something was wrong with all the craziness, but didn't have a name for it until I came here, had never heard of it.  I read up on Narcissist (which there are different levels) and watched a documentary on it.
I'm sorry I can ramble, so let's get to what I hope will be encouragement.

1. Take A Step Back (This Is Where Clarity Starts)
2. Take Care Of Yourself (This Is Where Encouragement & Fortitude Starts)
3. Take Control Of Your Life (Not Theirs)
4. Don't Beat Yourself Up For Loving Someone (It's One Of The Greatest Joy's In Life) Even the Ones That Are Suppose To Be Unlovable
5. Don't "Gaslight" Back In The Heated Arguments (I'm Guilty Of That)
The Old Playground Saying "Sticks And Stones May Break My Bones But Words Will Never Harm Me" Is A Lie!  Harmful, Hateful Words Get Down In The Soul Of A Person And Are Like A Rotting Cancer, First To The Receiver And Then The Giver.
6. Forgive Yourself & Apologize If You Did
7. Respect Yourself (Believe In Your Insticts) CAUTION: I Have Sibling Her Instincts Are All Over The Place.  My Point Is You Know Whether Your Instincts Have Served you Well In The Past. If They Haven't then just be Cautious Before Accusations.
8. Instead Of Accusations Turn Them Into Questions.
9. Then Keep Quiet (I Have 4 Grown Sons, I Always Told Them "If Your Always Running Your Mouth You Never Learn Anything") Not Always Easy In An Argument, Practice Makes Perfect.  You Will Be Amazed At What You Learn.
10. Take A Deep Breath, It's All Another Stepping Stone In Life.  Try And Look At All The Positives Not The Negatives.

Funny How Most Relationships Have  Strong Person & A Weaker One...
Guess What We Are The Strong Ones
Don't Forget That

Please Forgive Me If I Sound Like A Know It All....I Don't That's Why I Am Here.  I Wanted To Share What Has Served Me Well Over The Years Hoping It Will Help Hurting People.

Take The Baby Steps Ladies And Gentlemen you will soon be walking then running.
May God Bless All Of You, Love & Peace To All

 

January 12, 2017 9:40 am  #6


Re: Recovery

LC, thank you for posting that. I firmly believe that the way out of this maze of devastation is that you really need to do things differently than you did in the lie of a life you have been living in. Number one, TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF FIRST NOW.  You have probably been taking care of and nurturing everyone BUT yourself! I know that was me. It's baby steps out of this. Start taking care of you in small doses. If you still can't get out of bed because you are crying too much then make sure you have some things near you that you enjoy. When you can finally get up and shower, celebrate that.  Celebrate every single little victory once you start making progress. If there is no one around to give you a hug, give YOURSELF one!!! It's your job now to begin to fall in love with YOURSELF. That's where all love begins. Make sure that every single day you do something that makes you feel good about you PLUS do something that you enjoy. Invest in you.

OH, the how to stop hating him? I have only one thing to say. YOU must realize that the hate you are carrying does not and will not ever serve you in a positive way. Your hate of him is only hurting you. I'm telling you this because I know. I have lived it.  When I made the conscious decision to no longer hate him my life improved from that day on.  I don't carry around that seething anger that was just below the surface, ready to rear it's ugly head whenever I felt slighted or upset. Peace began. It doesn't mean what they did to us was alright. It surely WAS NOT.  But I am not going to let that destroy the rest of my life. He doesn't get one more minute from me. And that's not said in anger. It comes from a place of my own power. Peace and love to all.

     Thread Starter
 

January 12, 2017 6:09 pm  #7


Re: Recovery

Hi all, I'm probably a veteran here but I'll share things from my vantage point.  Everyone's is different.  I'm now 15 years post leaving.  I haven't remarried, I haven't been in a meaningful relationship.  Is this by choice? No.  I'm carrying around tons of trust issues and have yet to find someone who truly understands me for me, and loves me anyway.  I know it's so much of the iron cloak of his s**t I wore for so long, but I have to own my part in it (self protection) is one big thing.  
Once I left, I had the freedom to be who I was without criticism (irony, huh?).  I always was a strong willed person, but wonderfully kind and supportive (probably too much so).  I worked past the anger quickly, because I believed then what I believe now:  He loved me the best way he could.  He thought he could love me and be a husband, and he couldn't.  He thought he could live a lie, but he couldn't.  
The one thing I told him when we split (I had to walk out, and he didn't want me to) is that I was never angry about who he was.  He could only be that.  Given his upbringing in a strict catholic home with a naval sargeant racist father, his golden boy image could not be tainted.  Not his fault.  
However, him being gay was not mutually exclusive with him being an a**hole.  He was controlling, manipulative, a liar, and when called out on it, completely blamed it on me.  I continued to remind him that he could have told me, that he could have been honest, but if I really think about it, he'd lied his entire life--to everyone.  Why in the world would I expect he would be honest with me?  

When I shut the door to our life together, I also left the anger at TGT. I didn't leave the anger of him being a complete ass.  That took a little longer.   I let my attorney deal with most everything through the divorce to preserve my heart and my sanity.  I leaned on friends for support. 
Years later, I visited the town he lived in on business and had dinner with he and his partner.  What I learned (and he hated) was that his partner was the victim of much of his assholery as well.  So, it wasn't just TGT, it was just him.   We actually laughed about it.   What I didn't laugh about was when they proposed to me a few years later to have a kid with them (yes!  real story)...but you'll all love my response--"no thanks, I've carried your baggage around long enough.  Not interested in carrying a kid for "Us". "
I choose not to stay in contact with them, I don't hold ill will, anger, or hatred.  It feels fantastic, but more than that, it feels authentic.  It feels like me.  

So many people, as they found out along the 8 years of not all of our college friends knowing (as many of you have stated we were the "perfect, fun loving couple"), would ask me, "why did you let him get away with what he did to you? I would have....."  People had lots of advice for me.  I knew one thing:  that regardless of the way he treated me, I would stand up for myself when necessary, but never get down in the dirt.  So not worth it.  At the end of the day, I'm the one who has to look myself in the mirror, and like what I see.  I'm still working on the liking part, but I can look into my heart and feel peace, knowing I was me, I handled things the way I felt preserved my spirit and my true self.   That's what gives me peace, every day. 

Peace to all of you in your road to recovery and if anyone wants someone to virtually lean on, I'm here. 


“Above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely of places.”
 

January 12, 2017 10:37 pm  #8


Re: Recovery

To All,
I feel I should clarify.
I can't tell about a journey out of the hate.  I don't hate mine.  I love him very much, always will. 
I am upset with him over the gaslighting, narcissistic behavior.  Mine hasn't admitted anything, although I positive he is in denial with me.  I feel sorry for him, because of his shame, denial, paranoia, superstitions he is a mess.
Because I love & feel sorry for him doesn't mean I am a pushover or change my stance "I WON'T KEEP YOUR SECRET" (another post).  My life is not to be a cover or beard for anyone not even my love.  I deserve a life of true caring, love, respect. 
He loves me, cares for me, but not in the way of a true marriage.  I do forgive my self for getting angry, saying things I shouldn't out of hurt & anger, for being blinded.  I'm a honest, caring, giving person who isn't perfect either....imagine that lol.
Although I have my good and bad days it evolving into good and bad moments.
I choose to forgive, forgiving someone is good medicine for the soul.

I rambled on, it's jumbled, hopefully something made sense.

He has brought many good memories to my life and those are the ones I will cherish.  He has helped paint part of my life portrait.

Love, Peace to all
LC

 

January 14, 2017 1:54 am  #9


Re: Recovery

jkpeace,
I hope I'm not coming across as everything is just easy peasy here because it isn't.  I learned from here (from Vicky) what gaslighting was, had never heard of it before.  That led me to reading up and watching a documentary on Narcissist behavior.  Those two subjects have brought much clarity.
My life with mine has been a 20 year love, education, re-think, second look at life.  I am almost 54 and have my moments of self pity, but I try not to stay in it.  I have my faith, I am a Christian and view many things from that stand point.  I as a believer have learned that forgiveness benefits myself as well as the receiver.  The older I get the quicker (that's not saying immediate 😊) I am to forgive. 
I am strong willed, have a tendency toward a quick temper (thank goodness not as quick as in my younger years) make my own mistakes, but with all that I always remind myself that I'm loving, honest, caring & compassionate person.  I'm  very much imperfect in my own ways.
God is in control of it all.  Nothing happens before it passes through his hands.  I ask why sometimes I seem to get what seems to be more than my share.  Then I wonder if maybe God has given me more because I am stronger than I think. 
Yes I feel the anger everyone else does, the hurt, the betrayal.
But at the end of the day I see mine and still have empathy,compassion & feel sorry for him and his torment. 
I think I'm rambling as usual, hoping something helps others.  I'll close for now.
May God bless with Peace & Love
Hugs to all
LC

 

January 14, 2017 9:57 am  #10


Re: Recovery

LC,

No in your ramble us sincerity and truth.    I'll be middle-aged and as much as my GIDX hurt me in rage and anger in the end..I will always love her to some degree  (or the person she was).   I feel sorry for her but  my  empathy or pity is misplaced as she is still capable of hurt and damage via the kids.
I think that is the difference between us and them...we can feel empathy and good memories.  We can look at them and see them hurting themselves.  Myself I was mesmerized and horrified in many arguements toward the end as rage was directed at me..stood there mouth agape to what I was seeing.


I'm not sitting here wondering what she feels...im moving on.
She got all she wanted.  But I'm glad I'm still the same person capable of compassion and care. I was really concerned I'd turn into the raging indifferent monster she became.  I'm glad all was not taken from me.


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

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