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January 11, 2017 8:27 am  #1


Husband of 16 Years is Questioning His Gender

My husband of sixteen years told me he is questioning his gender but not his sexuality. I believe him but I'm surprised. I didn't know this was coming at all. He likes "guy" things and always seemed to enjoy being a guy. I don't know a ton about transgender but in the last week he's decided to paint his toenails and shave his legs. I'm trying to be supportive and nonjudgmental but I don't know what to do. I love him and I want him to be happy. But in the long run if he wants to go very far down this road I don't think I could be happy. Don't I have a right to that too? His therapist keeps saying I need to be supportive but I also don't want to lie to him and tell him I won't leave because I'm not sure that's true. I'm not angry or hurt I'm just not sure this could ever be what I want. And no one seems to care about that.

 

January 11, 2017 9:17 am  #2


Re: Husband of 16 Years is Questioning His Gender

You didn't sign up to marry a woman..  you married a man.  You have every right to be angry, scared, unhappy and questioning the future.  

Welcome to the forum Anne.  Sorry you are here.  You don't deserve this mess that you are in.   But you've found a place where there are others who have shared your experience and can give you council and support. 

One common struggle we all share is having our pain and suffering swept aside.  Our society today is ultra-sensitive and ultra-supportive of LGBTQ people.  They get tons of support, congratulations, compliments for their bravery, etc..   But nobody remembers the poor spouses, kids, and family who are destroyed by the selfishness, lies, and loss of relationships. 

We are here for you.  We know the pain.  There will be a few ladies who have dealt with trans husbands and they will share some great experience and insight for you. 

You have every right to focus on yourself and what you want from your life.  Don't be a doormat for him/her.. whatever he is. 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

January 11, 2017 5:26 pm  #3


Re: Husband of 16 Years is Questioning His Gender

Anne,

Welcome, sorry you need to be here, but glad you have found us. As lostdad has said, there are several women on here who have dealt with this exact same issue, but it also has many similarities to what the others of us have dealt with, that is , finding out the spouse we married and spent years, and many times, decades with, was living a double life as a closeted gay person. It's not what we signed up for, and we did not have the benefit of full disclosure. Much like you, we have also been sprung a string of lies that we needed to accept it and support them. I can tell you unequivocally that is complete BS! Many times they make the rules and change them while we are getting used to the old ones. It's a constant dance of you chasing your tail and running in circles, so worried about supporting them, we lose ourselves and don't worry about what's good for us. I would imagine his therapist is all for it, that may be an area of specialty, but you need your OWN therapist, not his. Keep posting, and remember you are just as important. As other women have posted, which I have learned so much from, the bar keeps moving, and moving, and doesn't stop.

 

January 11, 2017 9:02 pm  #4


Re: Husband of 16 Years is Questioning His Gender

Anne,
   I'm not quite two years past the my husband's disclosure he's transgendered--knows he's a man but wants to be a woman, need to act like a woman in bed to be satisfied and needs me to support his desire. He, too, says his sexuality hasn't changed and that he's attracted to me, just as a "lesbian" ("pretendbian," more like). I have been around the block with this, from willing accomplice and "trying it out" to increasingly horrified at what passes for "woman" to him.   Shaving one's legs does not make you a woman.  He is an autogynephile, and I urge you to look up the psychologist Michael Bailey's "The Man Who Would be Queen" and compare your husband's situations and symptoms to the outline Bailey gives.  Also look up the work of Anne Lawrence, a psychologist and transwoman who is an autogynephile.  I also recommend the blog "My Only Path to Power: Diary of a Transwidow."  
   Here's what I say to you: how nice for him that he'd like everything to stay the same for him but that you should accommodate his new status by giving up your own heterosexuality and never having the satisfaction of someone treating you who you are while insisting you treat him as if he were his fantasy of a woman.   You absolutely do have the right to be happy, and not by compromising yourself for him. 
  As for his therapist: avoid that person like the plague.  Your job is  not to "support" your husband as he wrecks the relationship you had.  Your job is to protect yourself and to figure out for yourself what you need, and then to act in a way that ensures you will get it.  Get your own therapist, and if that therapist is one of those who is in thrall to the dominant trans narrative that gender is what one "feels" like, that any Tom, Dick, or Harry can suddenly say he's a woman because he says so, then get away as soon as you can until you find someone with a functioning critical mind who can help YOU.  
  Sorry to be so blunt and bitter, but Dee is right; this is not what you signed up for, and let me tell you, with the so-called transgendered, the bar keeps moving.  First it's leg shaving and toe painting, but it doesn't stop there.  And ask yourself: does toe painting and leg shaving make you a woman?  Hardly.  Why don't any of these guys ever define woman as "thinking of others first"? 

 

January 12, 2017 1:50 am  #5


Re: Husband of 16 Years is Questioning His Gender

Thank you all for your help. I'm really struggling more than I thought I would be. On the one hand I want him to live his life. But on the other it seems so disrespectful to think of womanhood as something you can try on. I don't get to take it off. It's not a game. And I am physically uncomfortable seeing the things he's doing. I just want no part of it.

     Thread Starter
 

January 12, 2017 7:16 am  #6


Re: Husband of 16 Years is Questioning His Gender

Anne,
 I would say trust your instinct.  Your physical, emotional, and intellectual discomfort in the face of seeing him embrace a notion of woman that you find objectionable is telling you exactly what you need to know.  Act on it. 
 I say this as someone who felt exactly the same way, but who was drawn in by my husband's request for comforting when he realized just how lonely he would be and how difficult his life was about to become if he were to act fully on his desire to start living as (if he were) a woman.  
  If I had acted as I had determined to do, and was moving toward doing, when he first disclosed, I would now be in a position to be moving forward with my own life; instead, I am facing going through that process anyway, having lost that year and a half to questioning and pressuring myself (does my rejection of my husband's version of woman mean I'm a transphobic bad feminist?) and to the experiment of trying on whether living with a closeted transgendered husband was possible.   
  My conclusion is that for many of these men, as it is for many gay in denial spouses or gay spouses using their spouses for beards, what they want is to have their cake and eat it, too.  They want the comfort of their home and the support of their spouses while also enjoying the sexuality that makes them unavailable to the very spouses they're counting on to support them.  

 

January 12, 2017 11:35 am  #7


Re: Husband of 16 Years is Questioning His Gender

Anne,

You have every right to walk away from what would become a toxic situation to you if it's left to unfold the way it looks like it will.  You need to find your OWN therapist outside of the marital counseling; marital counseling is about saving the marriage, not necessarily about giving each partner what they need even if it means the end of the relationship.  Your needs are just as important as his.  And it looks like no one but you is going to see to them.  Which means you must work harder than ever to be your own ally.

You sound a lot like me in how you view things - you're trying to detach from the emotions of this thing and look at the situation logically - projecting it out.  If you know that you won't be happy married to a man that looks and acts like a woman (even if he still wants you), then it's kind of a moot point to keep going.  Know that what he'll likely do if you deliver that news is first to pull back on his female stuff, and tell you that he doesn't NEED to do it.  He'll just refrain.  You'll then experience a little while of what you feel is renewed connectedness and intimacy.  Then the girl stuff will start creeping back in again.  Some of it will be little - like the toenails.  And if you don't throw a fit over it, he'll progress.  Other things will likely be covert - you'll find a bag of hidden lacy underthings that he's stashed in a closet that never gets accessed.  You might find pics of him in said lingerie if you dig into his social media.  And you might find that he's been sharing those pics (and conversations) with others who can give him positive feedback for it.  These will likely be men - there isn't a big market out there for women who want a man who dresses like a woman.  (why there's a big market for men who like this, I'll never understand.  But regardless, there is.)  Then you'll be left to wonder just how far this scenario played out - what you don't know about, and how you can't trust him.  The aforementioned things aren't guaranteed to happen, but from all the stories online I've read, it's a pretty standard roadmap.  Unless you're up for the ride, this trip goes nowhere good for you.

You may question whether you should stay with him because HE will make such a big deal out of working it out.  That seems to be in the roadmap, too.  I can never quite figure out why, except that they're using us as a security blanket.  When they get to a point where they no longer need the security (or the cover), they'll move on to someone else who can give them what they want and need then.  After going through all that with him and being supportive, he'll use you up and then decide you're not what he wants for his new lifestyle.  I've seen this happen time and time again, too.

I'm sorry that you're going through this.  I'm sure that you must feel very sad on some level, seeing this unfold.  And the person you want to comfort you is angry that you aren't thrilled for them.  There's enough guilt thrown around to make you feel as if it were YOU who changed their mind about what this relationship is about.  But keep your eye on the ball.  If it won't work, then make a different life for yourself.  It won't be easy or pain-free, but I'm convinced it'll be less painful than the alternative.  Hold your head high and say, "I wish you all the best - this just ain't for me."

Kel

Last edited by Kel (January 12, 2017 11:36 am)


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

January 14, 2017 1:55 am  #8


Re: Husband of 16 Years is Questioning His Gender

Thank you all. I've made an appointment with my therapist. I've also started keeping a journal to try to handle my feelings better. He's a very jealous and paranoid person so throughout our relationship I've made myself small to keep him from being anxious or upset. In some ways this is freeing because if he wants to wear nail polish I'm damn well going to do the things I've wanted to do. Maybe I could imagin a bigger life too and he can fucking figure out how to put on mascara on youtube after I'm gone. I need to reimagine my own life and not wait to be allowed to do what I need. He's not.

     Thread Starter
 

January 14, 2017 7:44 am  #9


Re: Husband of 16 Years is Questioning His Gender

That's awesome Anne, and I love your kick ass attitude! You go!!

 

January 14, 2017 10:11 am  #10


Re: Husband of 16 Years is Questioning His Gender

Anne1984 wrote:

Thank you all. ... He's a very jealous and paranoid person so throughout our relationship I've made myself small to keep him from being anxious or upset. In some ways this is freeing because if he wants to wear nail polish I'm damn well going to do the things I've wanted to do. Maybe I could imagin a bigger life too and he can fucking figure out how to put on mascara on youtube after I'm gone. I need to reimagine my own life and not wait to be allowed to do what I need. He's not.

Go Anne!

Your sentence about making yourself small struck a cord.  I'm months post seperated and divorced and really realizing how small and on eggshells I have lived.
Ie...afraid to put the towels on the rack "the wrong way."
I'm realizing what selfish craziness and narcissism I lived with.. 

Part of my new life and recovery..I can put the towels on the rack any damn way I want...it doesn't matter..the world doesn't end .it's not something to get violent and mad about.


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

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