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July 7, 2016 3:17 am  #1


My wife is in love with a neighbor woman...

Recently I found out my wife is bisexual, it came as a complete shock and I still don't know what I am supposed to do now...

I found out because her text messages were being copied to another iPad we had in the house through "IMessage". Her texts were to a girl she met on "ShyBi.com" (a website for married women who want to explore bisexuality). In her texts to his "ShyBi girl" she professed to being in love with the neighbor woman down the street from us (who is also married to a man).  Both us and the neighbor have small children. My wife has always texted this neighbor constantly.  But I (in my total ignorance) just thought they were best friends.

I have no idea if the neighbor is bisexual or not, but she definately is leading my wife on if she is not, she texts her constantly, all the time, and way late into the night. My wife said she "came out" about her bisexuality to her weeks ago and they both still text constantly.  I'm not sure if the neighbor knows my wife's feelings for her or not, my wife has still not confessed that to her yet. 

At first I thought this was just a sexual thing and I thought I could deal with it (Because I still to love her very very much). But I found out it is really not about the lesbian sex at all.  My wife really LOVES this woman totally and completely....way, way more that she loves me (if she even still does love me at all). If this was just a sex thing, I think I could deal. But knowing your spouse loves someone else (and not you) just rips your heart out every single day.

I have asked my wife if she will stop her relationship with the neighbor, and she gets violently angry at the mere suggestion

Full disclosure... I was a totally shitty husband about six years ago. I said something to my wife then that  I have regretted every single day since. After catching me looking at women on the internet, my wife hounded and hounded me why I was doing it. After days and days of interegation I finally admitted to her I wish she had bigger breasts.  This ABSOLUTELY destroyed her.  I know it has made her hate me deep inside ever since.  Since then, she has has a tummy tuck and breast augmentation and now basically has the body of Wonder Woman, literally, men "head turn" walking past her now... I let her go ahead with the surgery because I thought she needed to to get her self esteem back that I had shattered.  But now, she says that it is my fault she has "mutilated herself" and regrets totally having done the augmentation. So, as you can see, I'm the biggest asshole husband there ever was.  EVERY SINGLE DAY I wish I could go back in time and not say those words to my wife.

My wife recently said it was my fault (because of what I did to her six years ago)  that she fell in love with the neighbor. This is probably true, as she has hated deep inside ever since...

So... I have moved out of the house now, and am typing this from a hotel right now trying to figure out what I should do next:
The way I see it, here are my choices:

1) Divorce  - Very difficult as I am  the only one working.  I would have to stretch my income across two households. don't even know if it can be done economically.  Also this will screw up our kids (as all divorces do)
2 ) Stay in the sham marriage -- As I watch my wife constantly texting the neighbor gal and having my heart ripped out every day.
3) Suicide -- I've already bought the gun, (but have not had the courage to use it yet) - this option would screw up my kids royally and also leave my family with no future income. But for some reason this seems to be the best choice.  I'm a complete failure of a husband, and the heartbreak is so bad...

Please tell me what to do. Or you can call me an asshole, or suggest #3 above. I just need to know what to do.

I don't have anybody to talk to about this...

 

July 7, 2016 5:04 am  #2


Re: My wife is in love with a neighbor woman...

I'm in a hurry this morning, so I don't have time to write much. I'll be back later, but don't don't don't don't choose number 3. Nobody here will suggest that option. You think you are a shitty husband? I was unfaithful to my wife. I still don't deserve what I got and neither to you. People make mistakes.

 

July 7, 2016 5:23 am  #3


Re: My wife is in love with a neighbor woman...

Firstly,  get rid of the gun.  This will solve nothing and will create problems.
See a doctor about depression meds.
I know this is excruciating and very painful situation.  You need to take a step back and be gentle on yourself.  You did not do this - she did. 
Also don't leave the home.  It could hurt you legally both in terms of custody and assets.
Again - get rid of the gun. See a therapist.

 

July 7, 2016 7:41 am  #4


Re: My wife is in love with a neighbor woman...

Option 3 is not it..although we all long to see god.  If you have kids this is definitely not an option.

I say option 3 is not it because our spouses are not gods, demigods, omnipotent beings. Looking back now I can't believe I ever thought she was worth killing myself over.

Like you divorce seemed daunting..how would my then wife live as she had no job.  But she didn't seem to worry about it..especially when she chose to cheat and discard me.

If you have kids and are a mentally strong i urge you to go back.  If your paying the mortgage  and you did not cheat  I urge you to stay in YOUR home.  This shows the kids you did not leave or cheat.  It makes it so your not paying the mortgage on a house for her to stay in and say "you left".

If your not mentally strong than getting away is probably best.

Write back for advice but don't choose option 3.  You are valuable and  worthy.  I'm slowly learning now we all deserve happiness ..we are not put on this earth to serve a person that abuses us.

Prayers for you.

Last edited by Rob (July 7, 2016 7:42 am)


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

July 7, 2016 7:59 am  #5


Re: My wife is in love with a neighbor woman...

Also. Please know..you know this ...there is nothing you can do that would make your wife like women...nothing she/you can do or say would make me like men.

That statement is just one more hurtful thing she can say to you to justify her...let's say folks..her immorality ..to make herself feel better for what she did.

So no option 3..  I will tell you I treated my wife with reverence and absolute kindness. I never said anything horrible to her.  I'm not perfect no

.there were definitely words she picked now to justify her lez affair.  They are just that ..words they picked to justify or make themselves feel better for committing adultery. .something you and I would never do. 

I think because you brought the gun you are intelligent enough to find strength for option 1.    Try that before option 3.   Option 2 won't work because the trust is gone and she would need very fundamental remorse and love..that is something she does not possess if she is willing to cheat and go to the opposite sex..


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

July 7, 2016 8:55 am  #6


Re: My wife is in love with a neighbor woman...

Thank you for coming and talking to us - I hope we can help. As everyone else has said, option 3 is not the solution. You have value and worth and still so much more to do. Times are dark now, but they will pass - darkness always passes. You may not believe me, but you WILL find joy and happiness again. I can't say when or where, but I can promise you it is out there waiting for you. 

If I may also say - you have written that your wife blames you for this, for a decision you made many years ago. I have seen on this forum that this is incredibly common for people in situations like ours. There is a need for damage limitation, of trying to avoid taking responsibility for their own actions. This is a smoke screen - life doesn't work like that! Self-esteem and self-worth are not shattered by one sentence, by one action, by one person. Life is much, much more complicated than that, but it can give someone an outlet to avoid facing guilt or pain themselves. I very much believe this is the case in your situation.

You are not the biggest asshole husband who ever lived - you are HUMAN! We all make mistakes, but she cannot say that your mistake directly led to her feeling the way she does, and it was her own decision to start flirting with someone else. We can only judge by actions - for example, if someone said I looked scruffy so I went and stole a bunch of trendy clothes, I couldn't say my jail time was their fault for making me feel scruffy! No, MY actions in stealing are MY responsibility. Your mistake 6 years ago does not excuse her actions today.

Finally you mention how bad the heartbreak is. Jeez, trust me on this one - here, we know how you are feeling. I think we have all felt the yawning hole which feels unending that is true heartbreak. Trust me though - IT IS NOT unending. What you are feeling is grief for 'how things were' and even more so for 'how you wanted things to be'. When I went through my break up last year, I was lucky in that I had a counsellor I could speak with. She told me that grief is good - it is an essential process we have to follow. She said the best thing is that grief PASSES. 100% of the time. How long it takes varies on the person and how they process it, but ultimately grief is a temporary thing. The way you feel will now will pass, and you will be happy, possibly happier than you've been in years, at the end of it. 

PLEASE keep posting. We're here, we understand and we want to help.

 

July 7, 2016 9:05 am  #7


Re: My wife is in love with a neighbor woman...

Laurence wrote:

Firstly,  get rid of the gun.  This will solve nothing and will create problems.
See a doctor about depression meds.
I know this is excruciating and very painful situation.  You need to take a step back and be gentle on yourself.  You did not do this - she did. 
Also don't leave the home.  It could hurt you legally both in terms of custody and assets.
Again - get rid of the gun. See a therapist.

 
I've never been through a divorce so I guess I am stupid here from a legal perspective. When discussing potential divorce my wife said "you need to move out first, and we  need to be separated.  People don't get divorced who are still living together..." This made sense to me. (But maybe I'm a moron). So is your advice just to stay in the house (in a hostile situation) until the divorce is finalized.

Also, sorry, I guess I'm not to the "hating her" stage yet, I know I'm probably a moron but I still am in love with her.  We have been married for 24 years and together for 29 (met in high school). Also she has not cheated on me (to my knowledge) yet.  But I think it was because I found out before it got that far.

The house is paid off and it  represents probably 90% of our assets.  She wants the house in the divorce (I'm sure because it is close to the other woman) and also because it was her dream home.  I really can't imaging splitting it and forcing her and my kids into something less.

I know you all probably think I'm being foolish but I don't want to hurt her. I just want to move on past the pain.

     Thread Starter
 

July 7, 2016 10:09 am  #8


Re: My wife is in love with a neighbor woman...

You really need to talk to a lawyer, as the law varies among jurisdictions. Find out what your rights are. The unknown can be fearsome, the more you know the less you have to fear. You are dealing with enough emotional trauma as it is. 

And get rid of the gun. As hard as a divorce would be on your kids, that alternative will cause them a lifetime of pain. Please don't do that to them.

 

July 7, 2016 12:56 pm  #9


Re: My wife is in love with a neighbor woman...

"So is your advice just to stay in the house (in a hostile situation) until the divorce is finalized."

For your mental health I do not recommend staying in the same house.   It is hell.     It could put you physically in the hospital from stress.   It is toxic for the kids.  
That said..my point of view is one of finances, stoicism, and morality.    My lezex  being a raging evil narcissist had no means to pay the mortgage, bills or even for food.   That did not stop her from:
- cheating and destroying the marriage
- destroying the finances
- saying the kids stay with her..they are solely hers.
- having her lover over the house
- having sex toys delivered to the house.
- telling me to get out and go live on the street.  go to hell, die, it is your fault.etc   EVERY SINGLE DAY.
- threatened to get a restraining order and have me removed  (but keep the money flowing).

You can see the narcissism..  she expected me to pay all bills (mortgate, taxes, food) so she could live in our house and have her gay lover move in...  Maybe I would even pay to put gas in the gay lover's car..   I am nothing ..I am garbage.  This is how grandiose she felt.    One cannot make this stuff up.    

I looked around for places to go but the real big problem is once you leave the home it would be almost impossible to get her out.   She would tell the kids "dad left...he did this".    Someone like my lezex would not  pay the mortgage or taxes..ruining my credit.   One can end up paying all bills for the home plus the bills on your own place immediately.. can you afford this?   I could not.

My lawyer advised do not leave because it is impossible to get them out.   Be a strong dad and take care of and see the kids everyday.  My lawyer was right but did/does not have to live with the daily abuse and torment.

So on a mental level  as one comes to terms a spouse that  wants a divorce  (we did not want this)...STOP.   They created these problems the day they cheated...they are the architect of this.   These problems are , therefore,  not your problem..they are her problem also.
At some point  I put many many things  in the "not my problem bucket". 

So as you begin the divorce process. Stop.  Be kind to yourself.  Forget about her basic human needs (which is hard to do but she is not thinking of yours or the kids ).  Where do you want to live ?  What do you want for the kids?   Can you afford to move out and are you willing to pay the bills on 2 places right now with no divorce settlement in place.  Will she keep your kids from you (this was a problem I had).

For example, how will she pay for food regardless of where you live..  This is not your problem.  It took me time to realize this and I feel foolish for my concern now but really.. by cheating they prompted the possibility of a divorce.   By cheating with the same sex they made divorce absolute and irrevocable.   In a sentence ...the word divorce means they get alimony and child support from you.  How do they buy food..put gas in their car..not your problem.    How do the kids live . as you gather strength we will take care of them..  same as we always have.   In a sentence..what part of the word divorce didnt they understand.  

So I cannot answer whether you should stay or go.   I can tell you from the trenches what I chose. I can tell you its been a over a year now as my lezex plotted and schemed and tried to make all problems my problem..she also learned how a divorce works and it was not the fairy tale in her mind.

Gather strength.  Small baby steps each day.


 


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

July 7, 2016 3:59 pm  #10


Re: My wife is in love with a neighbor woman...

First of all, get rid of the gun.  You do not NEED that.  If you're not with your wife and kid, then it's protecting no one but you anyway.  And honestly, it way more of a danger to you this way than it is a protection.  See the damned thing and put some extra money in your pocket.  Go to the doctor and talk about anti-depressants.  Get a counselor ASAP.

The laws are different in different states and jurisdictions.  So no, you may not actually have to be physically separated to be divorced.  You might need to establish a legal separation, but that can be done on paper in court.  Some states don't even require that.  You are not going to have all your answers without speaking to a lawyer.  A lawyer consultation will be free in almost all cases, and you will leave there feeling like you know much more of what's available to you.

As for the house, you won't necessarily wind up paying for 1/2 of the expenses to support her.  Usually there is child support (which is typically factored in a certain percentage of your income, based on how many kids there are), and there is spousal support - which is typically for a few years, or until they get remarried (whichever comes first).  Right now you are still in a mindset of wanting your wife to have everything she wants, and the kids too.  But that may not be reasonable.  What would be reasonable is everything they NEED.  She doesn't NEED to live down the street from her now girlfriend.  She can drive her ass over there if she needs to.  You don't need to accommodate that.  And your kids don't NEED to live in the same exact same house.  Maybe you feel they need to stay in the same schools.  Fine - same district.  It doesn't have to be your wife's dream house in order for your kids to be happy.

I tell you this all because if you're worried about giving your ex everything she's asking for (which honestly, she has NO right to - you didn't end the relationship - SHE did!), you might not be able to afford to have a place large enough for your kids to come visit you at comfortably.  Or enough money to be able to take them places and do things with them when they visit.  You cannot stack all the cards in your ex's favor unless you are wealthy.  And she can start working, especially if the kids are in school.  She'd have a few years of spousal support to help her get through until she can get some more education or get a little work under her belt to help establish a job history.  You do not owe it to your wife to let her stay home for the rest of her life.

As to whether you stay with your soon-to-be-ex or not, that's a question that should start with a lawyer and end with what you think you're comfortable with that won't work against you monetarily.  Even being gone you should be able to see the kids now and spend time with them.  A lawyer will walk you through all of that.

Lastly, you are not responsible for all that ails your marriage.  I too have had a tummy tuck and breast lift (with a reduction vs. an enlargement), and a lot of that was to gain my now ex husband's attention (he was gay).  But Iiiiiii made the decision to do that.  And it was one of several reasons I did it.  I did it mostly because I felt bad about how I looked - to me.  She DID have the option of saying "fuck you" when you admitted that you wanted her to have bigger breasts.  And she could have just gotten implants without the tummy tuck.  She's NOT mutilated.  And you know what? SHE KNOWS THAT.  She knows she's turning heads.  She is confident enough to strike out on her own and think that she'll be just fine.  The entire thing that she's telling you about how you're responsible for making her mutilate herself is a big, fat lie.  TRUST ME on this one.  I've got scars all over my body, and I've never felt mutilated.  She chose to do that, she LIKES the results, she turns heads, and she's gonna blame you for everything?  I call bullshit.  You cannot say "I wish you had bigger boobs" to a woman and ruin her life.  If your friend told you something like that, you'd call bullshit, too.  It's just so much easier to feel guilty about it when that's what she's aiming for.

Know that the person who is now your wife is going to be like a stranger to you.  She is going to act selfish, juvenile and as if YOU did something wrong.  That's not the truth.  They all do this - they try to make it about you so it doesn't have to be about them.  So that THEY don't have to feel the fallout.  It's not your responsibility to save her from herself.  She knew once she admitted all this to you that you'd want to leave.  She had her answer ready for why it should be YOU who should do so.  And she knew that if her telling you all this would break you up that she'd have to think about the monetary aspects of this.  It was worth it to her.  She's not an idiot.  She's counting on YOU to be, though.  Prove her wrong.

I know you still love her.  But if she loved you, she wouldn't be doing this to you.  People who love you don't treat you like crap.  Remember that when you start to feel like winning her back.  Don't beg for her back when what you'd be begging for is someone who is comfortable hurting you and screwing you over.

Kel

 


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

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