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Sun Nov 27 8:15 pm  #1

My Story...

7/20/16 3:00 AM Last night, I found out my wife is gay.  I am so conflicted.  I’m writing this at 3:00 am because I can’t sleep.  I’m jittery, occasional shortness of breath and obviously, can’t sleep.  My life partner of 23 years, is gay.  The woman I love, the woman I raised two children with, is gay.  On one hand, to some extent, the burden is off her shoulders.  She’s now “out” - to her therapist, the woman she’s attracted to, and me.  On the other hand, the long road has just begun for her.  She’s the type of person that is very concerned with image and perception.  
Coming out of the closet sure can change people’s perceptions, sometimes good...and sometimes not so good.

 We’ve had a rough patch this week to say the least.  Sunday started with an argument about going to (girlfriend's name) house on the weekend of her birthday, which led to me asking her if she even wanted me around anymore.  When she didn’t answer, I knew something was wrong.  We’ve had our ups and downs over the years, but this time was different.  When I called her out on it on Monday, she kept talking about happiness...and how she thinks she’d be happier not being married anymore.  But I sensed there was something more.  She denied there was someone else, but I had a feeling she wasn’t being honest. On Tuesday night during dinner, I kept pressing the point of not being given a reason why she would be happier without me.  Was I that bad?  Did she finally reach a breaking point?  So, I asked again - is there someone else.   She said yes.  My heart sunk.  I asked who it was.  At first she wouldn’t tell me.  I damn near demanded she tell me and then, she did.  In almost a whisper, she said “(girlfriend's name)”. 

On one hand, a burden was lifted off me.  It wasn’t me!  Well, not completely me.  But then, my thoughts turned to her, and what she’s been going through for what I had a feeling had been the last 5 months or so.  She says it’s a little less, but...I’ll go with my gut.  I knew the trips to her house and the movies were more than just because of a new found love of kayaking.  Something was up.  She was falling for (girlfriend's name).  And, my gut was right.

 I thanked her for trusting me, and asked a hundred questions and rambled at times.  But I wanted to make clear to her: I’m actually happy for her in a strange way.  If this makes her mentally and emotionally stronger, then so be it.  But, she’s definitely conflicted, and so, in order to try and help her along, I’ve agreed to “allow” her to date (girlfriend's name) while she figures things out for herself.  God I hope I’m not being played for a fool, or that this is a so-called “phase” as a way to get out of our marriage.  I doubt it, because it would be so much easier for her (and us!) to admit to the world a failed marriage than to being gay.  With that said, I hope we as a society (specifically her friends and family) have evolved enough in 2016 to accept her for her and not for her sexuality. 

So, they’re going on a “day date” this weekend.  She had already planned to stay over her house later in August.  I’m guessing between now and then, with a few dates, things might become more intimate between them.  Then, it’s a waiting game.  Waiting for if she’s “really gay”, which sounds so fucking stupid.  Then, waiting for her to “come out” - to our kids, her family and friends.  And yes, I’m going to be part of the facade.  I’m going to keep things going the way they have been - because I love her - and if this makes her happy, if this makes her be able to have peace within herself, I’m more than willing to support her through the good times and bad.  And, she knows this.  I told her I will be right behind her when she tells our kids and her family.  Those I think will be the toughest.  Friends are friends - if they don’t get it, fuck ‘em quite frankly.  Shit, I’m relatively ok with it - why can’t they be?  

I’ve asked her to be honest with me.  Brutally honest.  I will continue to reiterate that with her through all of this.  I don’t want to be blindsided by anything.  If her feelings grow for (girlfriend's name) and she/they are ready to move to another level in their relationship - don’t drop a bomb on me.  Keep me in the proverbial loop, so I can prepare for a graceful exit. Apparently, I’m awesome in (girlfriend's name) eyes right now.  Not to be an ass, but not every straight man is a dyke-hating penis.  Love is love.  It comes in all shapes, sizes and flavors and even at this moment, I firmly believe, you can’t control who you fall in love with.  

Oddly enough - this is different to me.  She’s not leaving me for another man.  I can’t compete with
(girlfriend's name).  She’s a woman.  She brings a whole bunch of the relationship table. Am I still digesting this?  Absolutely!  Will it bother me to think about the possibility of her being physical with someone else (granted, a woman) on August 21st? will.  Not as much as if it was a guy though.  Again, weird!  I don’t claim to be an expert on homosexuality - but from what I know - people just don’t “turn gay”.  They’ve always been gay, they just hid it well, buried it even.  And you know something?  That sucks just as much as the rest of this.  In (wife's) case, it’s been at least 23 years.  Could (girlfriend's name) just have flipped her proverbial “emotional switch” and given her the chance to “be herself” - finally?  I guess only time will tell.  Part of me is hoping it’s “just a phase”, but I know, it isn’t.  Our divorce is inevitable.  That, sucks giant, hairy donkey balls.  But I think/hope/pray it’s going to be more of a gentle glide on a lake than a 12 car wreck at Daytona... 

Because now, I turn, to me.  In all this, I have yet to think about - ME!  I’m back to Square 1.  For the time being, I’ve agreed to not “stray” outside the marriage, for what remains of it.  If I happen to find someone, I figure I’d tell her and maybe I would go on some “day dates”.  But let’s face it: I’m a fat, bald, cranky, almost middle aged man - and I’m going to eventually be alone.  I’ve become a fucking cliche.  Sorry if I’m feeling a bit sorry for myself right now.  Pitty party for one I guess.  As I think about me and my “potential”, I have a hard time holding things together.  When I think about me, my thoughts go back to (wife)!  I may be alone.  While she has someone, she too is starting a whole new life. 

Odd thought: Two days ago, I was actually thinking I’d have a hard time officiating my niece's same-sex wedding if (wife) and I got divorced.  Here I thought (wife) would be there with her (male) date, and I’d be performing a wedding ceremony for a lesbian couple.  Who knew (wife) will probably be sitting in the audience with her lesbian partner?  Shit, that sounds crude.  Don’t mean it that way...honestly.  Ironic though.

This...this is going to be hard.  Holy fuckballs hard.  Probably the hardest thing I’ve ever dealt with in my life.  I’m going to do my best to be (wife's) best friend in all of it, because - she is.  She’s the mother of my children.  We spent 23 years together - good and not so good.  I owe it to her.  It may not be easy at times, but...she deserves the chance to be happy. 

"Just keep swimming..."

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