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June 30, 2016 8:49 pm  #1


Wow, This is akward...

It has been 2 weeks since my husband told me he was transgender and feels like a woman trapped in a man's body and that he/she is attracted to men. It's alright though, he/she says it is good because now we can be "girlfriends". Um...No. This man I've been married to for 7 1/2 years and have a 4 yo boy and 2 yo girl with thinks I can just get over the lies and deceit and be friends. He was my first and made me think all the sex issues were my fault. I just never did it quite right. All of our relationship issues were my fault. I was too controlling, not sensitive enough, didn't take good enough care of myself, didn't wear enough makeup or dress up enough. Now I find out he wanted me to dress, look and act the way he really wanted to be himself.
I consider myself very adventurous in the bedroom and have been begging since we got married to try new things and he never would. Now he wants to get rid of me and be with a man, but would never try that with me. I've been begging him since we got married to be honest with me and to communicate and he refused. Now that he has, I am supposed to accept it and support him.
I am the idiot who does not view this as insurmountable. I feel we can work with this in a romantic capacity and now that he/she is finally being honest with me we can have a real relationship, but he/she just wants to end things now so he/she can be with a man. He/she is 41 years old with severe PTSD from the Navy and from being assaulted as a teenager and thinks that he/she can find a man that will treat him/her well and give him/her a "white wedding". I am the one willing to change my whole life for the person I married and love and I am still not good enough.
It all makes since now though. I wasn't married for love or even companionship. I was married to support a lie, to help strengthen the facade of man. He knew he was like this long before we met. There was never any love. People don't do this to people they truly love. And now I must listen to all of our friends and his/her family saying how brave he/she is. This is not brave. Bravery is doing the right thing even when you are scared to death. I was married even though he knew it was wrong. That wasn't brave, that was cowardice. I was lied to every time we were intimate, when we made a son, when he did his business in a cup so I could use it to make our daughter (he said it was stress from the deployment in Iraq and the PTSD). That was not brave. Now I am expected to support him and be his friend while he/she experiments with other things. While I am still living in the house because I cannot afford to leave. That isn't brave. That is cowardly, disrespectful and just mean.

Last edited by brandilarue (June 30, 2016 8:51 pm)

 

June 30, 2016 9:44 pm  #2


Re: Wow, This is akward...

So sorry about this.  It is a shock.  My lezex never admitted anything but simply filed for divorce after cheating and distancing herself from me.

Take small steps to take care of yourself and the kids
..your kids need a strong moral parent and your husband is not it.  They never think of the kids..it's all about them.

Build your support system and move forward doing what you need to do.   

Sincere hugs.  (Authentic and real)


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

July 1, 2016 12:39 am  #3


Re: Wow, This is akward...

Hi brandilarue,

I'm so sorry you are living this. I'm so sorry to read your painful feelings through painful words.

First of all be sure YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

I know how it feels and still many times doubt this is happening. Please take care of yourself. There are a lot of troubles in your husband's mind. You don't have to deal with them and never feel guilty about them. It might be a tough time in many more months and obviously some manipulation will be showed up because he is used to it. Be careful and do not trust him, anymore. You need to disattach yourself from him and it will be very painful and difficult.  

Many of us here are living the nightmare that is very unique and traumatic. Many of us will understand you. So please keep posting. 

E-hugs!

 

July 1, 2016 2:25 pm  #4


Re: Wow, This is akward...

You are not an idiot. You were committed to your relationship and willing to work it out. The problem is that if it's all upon one person to do the accommodating, it's not really a true relationship or partnership. If there's not complete honesty, it can't work. You did nothing wrong. What you do have now is the truth. Build your support system and use it to move towards a brighter and more authentic future. There is a lot of good advice and similar experience here that you can draw upon.


“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
 

July 2, 2016 7:01 am  #5


Re: Wow, This is akward...

So sorry you find yourself here. We have all been in this dance and know it well, especially the "It's your fault because"..........." part. Throw in the kitchen sink here. I spent 30 years married to this , the last 5 an absolute nightmare, begging and pleading to find out what was going on and all I got back in return was rage and more rage. As Daryl said, this isn't a one way street, it's about communication, and working as a team. Make a list of your options, financially they may not seen great, but sometimes that's better, at least temporarily than living in such a toxic environment, especially for your kids.
Good luck

 

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