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1 of 1- Deceived123
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Physical pain after being betrayed? Anyone?
I have been lurking this forum for 3 months or so....reading and taking in all that so many women and men have gone through. Truly is heart breaking but is also a small comfort that I am not alone. Here is my story and I will try and make it short.
I am a female in my early 40s and was married for 17 years from 17yrs old to 34 years old. At the end of that marriage I found my ex husband on Craig's list looking at men...I did not find any messages and was so clueless to this...I would have never guessed he was screwing men behind my back....after the divorce I finally was able to put all the pieces together.....no sex for years, he spent way more time with his "best friend" than me and his 2 kids. We divorced and it was super traumatic, however, I stayed singe for 5 years, and though I was working on myself.....yeah right...
Fast forward 5 years, I join a dating website and meet this man whom I thought was my person and thought he was everything I had ever wanted and waited for. This 2 year relationship did way more damage than my marriage, or was it a combination? I was deceived, manipulated, brain washed and made to be crazy...this man had me in therapy, thinking I needed help but all along it was him making me feel that way....my gut was telling me something was off and I ignored it.
This man was having relations with two of his friends (took me around them) and they treated me like shit...I did not think anything of it....just though they were mad that he was spending more time with me. A year into the relationship I found him in his bathroom, anally masturbating and I found a bag full of anal sex gadgets. I was shocked (this is before I figured about his friends) He tried to tell me that this was good for his prostate (because he had ED with me and he is only 44) Oh and he said he Never had ED until me....probably to make me have low self esteem. Anyway, I asked him, Are you gay? He denied it and told me that straight men like anal stimulation....I do not think this is true....any men on here, will you please, please confirm this? Straight men, do you desire a dildo in you arse? I fell for the BS....for a while....the whole time my gut was not right...I kept telling him over and over.....is there something you are keeping from me? I know there is something you are keeping from me....all he did was deny, deny, deny.
This year in September I found a bunch of butt plugs and THONGS! They were men thongs, but still he had them hidden from me. it is not like he EVER told me he wore those or wore them for me....which now tells me whom he was wearing them for. I don't have any type of physical proof of his friends however what everyone else wrote, I am able to put the missing pieces of the puzzle together. The last time he started a fight with me was 120 days ago and I walked away. It is still fresh and I have gone through a really dark road during this time...coming to the conclusion that my ex husband was/ is gay and the man that I thought loved me is also in the closet....
I am beyond devastated and went into a really bad down fall..I was lying in bed all day and night (after work) and caused so much stress on my body that I now have severe back pain with Sciatica....the Dr's have stated that my stress was so high that it was causing me physical damage....I HATE HIM!! I cannot believe there are men that do this!! How can someone be so evil!!! I cannot comprehend it...I lost my whole self...I used to be such a happy person, always talking and out going and he TOOK that from me...HOW DO THEY ACHIEVE THIS? I have tried to figure this out and I cannot. I was not just heart broken, it felt like my soul was literally taken from me.....like I was sucked dry and left with a broken back and full of disgust...I feel so dirty.
I needed to get this out...I tried therapy but I hate talking about it to someone who does not understand and it just made me feel mentally worse....just to hear, "oh, I am sorry" You don't deserve that."
Why are there not criminal laws against this? This was 2 years of my life and he ALMOST destroyed me. I say ALMOST because I finally was able to walk away. I was so brainwashed my this man...I honestly think he preyed on me and did this on purpose. I cannot fathom...
I am sorry, if I am all over the place, I am still in shock at times.
Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct thy paths.
- walkbymyself
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Re: Physical pain after being betrayed? Anyone?
I am so glad you're out.
I had years of spinal pain that ultimately left me with a spinal fusion and permanent nerve damage to my right hand. I absolutely know that this was from the lingering stress of the whole experience.
We all deserved so much better.
- lily
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Re: Physical pain after being betrayed? Anyone?
I was taught a simple little trick that can really help with back pain. The woman who showed it to me had also showed it to her husband who said it fixed his sciatica. The principle is simple you create a curve in your spine by finding a position (I hold onto the verandah railing) where you can hang your head and your bottom gently bounce a bit til their weight is evenly balanced and you can feel your spine is comfortably stretched - when you stand up you know you got it right if you get that 2 inches taller feeling - what has happened is that the spaces between your vertebrae have opened up and this allows the discs to slip back into place a bit.
yes the stress is so bad it affects your health. My husband entertained himself by messing with my head. Way beyond maintaining his closet, it was a game for him. His petty nastinesses added up to a lot of suffering for me and by extension, my family.
My thoughts are that there no laws against the closet because the closet has already won, a long time ago. Straight women are at the bottom of the pile. And while we might hope to be rescued by a knight in shining armour, they are all too busy caring for their lesbian wives.
- Rob
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Re: Physical pain after being betrayed? Anyone?
There are good people out there but you did not find one in this man you dated. This has added to your trauma. It is a physical feeling..its taken me years to stop shaking and it's important to get help for it.
I still feel a therapist specializing in trauma can help but probably hard to find. I had some help from a book "back to life" by Alicia Salzer. Definitely seek help for the anxiety and trauma.. dont let a second loser guy define your future.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- Deceived123
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Re: Physical pain after being betrayed? Anyone?
Thank you all so much! I really appreciate your response. I am looking for a therapist that deals with trauma, and you're right, it is really hard.
Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct thy paths.
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Thread Starter- MJM017
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Re: Physical pain after being betrayed? Anyone?
Hello Deceived,
So sorry you're going through this.
It seems very common to have a rebound relationship with another 'not so stellar' person after a failed marriage. I did too and he was a cheater. My marriage was so painful that the rebound guy was like more fuel on the fire. 👎🏼
I worked with a trauma therapist for over a year. It helped me relax and increase my resilience for which I'm grateful. The downside was I had to keep reminding them my ex wasn't a repressed or oppressed gay man living in a conservative area. There was no normal reason for his being in the closet.
I moved on to CoDependents Anonymous (a 12 step program). This seems to be working very well for me and it's free.
I sincerely hope you feel better soon.
No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa
- friends0102
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Re: Physical pain after being betrayed? Anyone?
MJM017 wrote:
Hello Deceived,
So sorry you're going through this.
It seems very common to have a rebound relationship with another 'not so stellar' person after a failed marriage. I did too and he was a cheater. My marriage was so painful that the rebound guy was like more fuel on the fire. 👎🏼
I worked with a trauma therapist for over a year. It helped me relax and increase my resilience for which I'm grateful. The downside was I had to keep reminding them my ex wasn't a repressed or oppressed gay man living in a conservative area. There was no normal reason for his being in the closet.
I moved on to CoDependents Anonymous (a 12 step program). This seems to be working very well for me and it's free.
I sincerely hope you feel better soon.
The whole "to get over someone, get under someone else's skin" works, but it's 10x better to not rebound and work on bettering your own life. Also, in the off chance you do meet someone who is stellar as a rebound, it puts things in jeopardy because you're still not healed.
- MJM017
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Re: Physical pain after being betrayed? Anyone?
The whole "to get over someone, get under someone else's skin" works, but it's 10x better to not rebound and work on bettering your own life. Also, in the off chance you do meet someone who is stellar as a rebound, it puts things in jeopardy because you're still not healed.
Yes and no. After almost 20 years trapped by a violent husband who wanted nothing to do with me in the bedroom, it's healing to feel desired by a heterosexual man. Everything is 100% wonderful with that.
Also, a lot of stellar people would want many of us right now -- we're kind, honest, loyal, understanding, fun to be around, loving and generous to a fault. Stellar people understand when a life challenge is not your fault and no reflection on you as a potential partner. I see a lot of high quality people posting here who would make great relationship material.
The problem is sometimes we let our guard down during these confusing times and pick an inappropriate person. We get support and we learn to do better.
No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa
- LMM
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Re: Physical pain after being betrayed? Anyone?
Yes, physical pain can come from betrayal for sure! I work as a therapist now, after leaving my GEX, and I help people with the physical pain of trauma and stress. Your post shows the tangled mess of emotions that you’re holding after these cruel, dishonest men betrayed you.
One thing you can do as you heal is look for myofascial release, Emotion Code, massage therapy. For the last one make sure it’s really someone who works with emotional pain and trauma. For myself, a few years ago when I got these at the end of marriage it completely restored my body. The trapped anger, sorrow and other emotions flooded out easily like someone opened a door and scooped them out. Therapy helps for sure, but not in this physical way. After what you’ve been through your body needs this release! Then you can work with the mental side (questions, faulty beliefs, etc) if you want to in therapy.
You can also use a tool for physical pain after trauma. If you can get comfortable, sometime when you feel safe and ready, try tuning into the place that hurts in your back. Really go inward and feel it. Is there a thought that surfaces? Or a picture in your mind? Can you ask it what it’s doing for you? The pain often is trying to protect you. If you’re someone who can tune into this physical pain and hear it, you’ll find it loosening. Maybe it’ll take a few times of this to really “see” and release it.