My husband of 7 years (we're late 20s) started going to therapy this January. He disclosed to me that he started going because he had a goal he was working towards: to tell me something that he had hidden his whole life.

By the end of January, after weeks of reassuring him that I'm here to support him, reminding him that to love him is to know him more deeply, and pleading with him that withholding the information indefinitely was hurting me, too, he finally broke. On a Saturday night in our dark living room, he sat and could barely finish the words before choking up, "I think I'm autogynephilic".

The next few hours were him explaining what this meant as we held each other and recognized that our future was suddenly flipped upside down. He'd watched gay porn as a teen and over the past three years was filled with compulsive, intrusive thoughts about his gender identity and sexuality. He'd been exploring a little on his own, trying clothes and makeup, watching cissy porn, and masturbating with a dildo. But he'd become so ashamed he'd throw everything away and try to repress it before eventually caving again in a vicious cycle. He confessed that he hated how he loved it, that he was terrified the urges would get stronger, that he'd become a completely different person than the man I married. He cried to me that he wanted to fight it, that if he had the choice he would destroy this part of himself without hesitation. He's terrified for the future. We live in a rural midwestern village, and his family is extremely homophobic. 

After comforting each other with the truth that we still love each other, I gently encouraged him to introduce me to 'her,' and we went upstairs to try makeup together. One thing led to another, and with all the raw, intense emotions, we ended up in the bedroom.

Since then my mind is swirling. We've been abstinent since then, trying to figure this out. Is he trans? Is he a crossdresser? Is this a fetish? There's so many questions with no answers. Without a doubt in my mind I know that we love and care for each other deeply. We both want to stay in each others' lives- he's my best friend, I'm 'his person.' We've been together since we were teenagers, went through the darkest times together, grew through all life's milestones with each other. But we don't know what the future relationship will look like. Spouses? Roommates? Long-distance friends (he'll move to another state if he does transition)? I don't know. How do we move forward? How long will it take to find clarity? In the mean time, we're both separately seeing therapists on a weekly basis. He continues to explore this side of him, and I continue to love and support him while the thought eats at the back of my mind - divorce may be imminent. 

Is transitioning inevitable? Does anyone find peace indulging in crossdressing in their own home and maintaining the same outward life? We're both forever changed by this, and finding the path forward feels impossible- there's so much uncertainty. I don't know if he can love me romantically and find fulfillment with me as a woman. I don't know if I can love him romantically and find fulfillment with him if he's a woman. I've always felt bicurious but never had the chance to explore before we met. 

So I guess I'm feeling lost in the chaos, caught in this strange liminal space between potential futures. Any advise or questions we should be asking each other and ourselves? 

We want nothing but the best for each other. It hurts to realize we may not be the best for each other....