You have kids, so you have to co-parent on that. I think distancing is about the other person being an adult and self-reliant. Financial - well there's child support. If there's spousal support on the table, let a lawyer figure out what is fair to both of you. Emotional support ? I'm not saying you should be cruel but it is unfair for her to reject you as a partner but expect you to support her as she goes out and lives her best lesbian life. Making you watch that happen in detail is not right. Logistically ? I'm not sure what that means, but be fair to yourself and your own well-being. Distancing is not needing to share the personal details of life, jobs, relationships. etc. Figure out what the ground rules are for the summer. I can almost guarantee you she will want to be out dating within a month or so. As she builds this new circle of friends and relations, you may find yourself shut out. Build YOUR circle and be well.
 

I was the same as Blue_bird. I stopped intimacy, no hugs or kisses, no questions about his day, no emotional questions or responses to his phone use/computer use/free time. I stopped expecting anything from him that wasn't necessary, starting treating  us like housemates. 
But I had to have a mindset shift first, and that was the realisation that the r'ship was never going to change, for me, no matter how much A. wanted to stay together. And that I had to focus on myself.
Distancing was the beginning of the end for me. It took me another 3 years but I got through the storm. I filed for separation a year ago, moved out 7 months ago. Our interaction these days is amicable. 

Elle

Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (February 13, 2024 10:12 pm)

ffxrev wrote:

I think I need some help understanding distancing.
What is distancing? My wife told me about her sexuality as soon as she figured it out for herself. I blame her upbringing for repressing it. She needs me to help her through this. She’s relying on me financially, emotionally, and logistically. I’m relying on her for emotional support and texting and talking with her constantly.

It's for your own emotional protection when your wife starts to date, if she hasn't already.  She will naturally being to distance herself. It can feel really bad to you, like she's abandoning you. It's like she's breaking a promise.

I didn’t want to build a wall, because we have 2 girls, and she has very little support. This isn’t her fault. I shouldn’t  abandon her. Thanks, all. This is raw and new.

It doesn't sound like you are abandoning her. Be careful you're not doing this as a way to hang onto the marriage.

She needs to stand on her own 2 feet as do you. You need to move on to be kind and realistic to her and yourself. It isn't your fault or your problem to fix. The marriage is over. 

Find support for yourself. There's support out there for your wife. She will find it if she looks.
 

True,

I and many of us here have felt physically repulsed by our problem spouses. My and I lived in a very liberal city and he grew up an atheist with agnostic parents in another gay friendly area. He was not driven to the closet and had nothing to be afraid of.  I am supportive of LGBTQ+ too.   There are weird malignant narcissist straight and LGBTQ+. They like to manipulate people for the thrill of it.

True, I hope you can work your way through staying which gives you power in the relationship and tilt it to what you want. He doesn't get to hold all the cards though he's fooled himself to think he has permanently.