Kel and Still Wondering helped me out a bunch a month or so back with general questions about online dating. Since I haven't been on a first date since 1995, needless to say I needed the advice!

So here's where I am and I'm going to be very frank about a couple of topics, so be forewarned.

I tried three different sites, and one seemed to work best for me. You all were right -- you just put a photo or two out there and man are there a lot of interested guys, about 90% of which I'd never date. Let's just say I live in an area that is full of beach bums, good ole boys, and people of the opposite political persuasion. 

I've only encountered one that I'm truly interested in meeting, but he really does stick out because he seems genuine and his introductory e-mail was not along the lines of "hey pretty mermaid, I can't believe no one has reeled you in yet." <insert gagging sound here -- yes I really did receive that in an email> Just a nice guy (from what I can tell from about 20 emails back and forth over a couple of weeks). We finally got into more personal discussion and I (with EXTREME trepidation) told him about my gay spouse. I couldn't believe how laid back he was about it, saying this was the third time he'd personally known of this happening. He mentioned all the guys were in their 40s, two gay and one trans. It was very refreshing to see that what I might perceive as a potential train wreck, he pretty much could care less about, except to be very nice to say how hard it must be on my kids and me.

His own divorce was run of the mill, lucky him.

Now here's where my HUGEST insecurity of all comes in and I've mentioned this maybe once before on the forum. I have an anxiety disorder, which means I sometimes suffer from panic attacks. I have had these since I was a teenager. My nearly-XGIDH and I started dating when I was 20. He was always very understanding about my illness, for lack of a better term. He knew all about it before we married. He saw me through two bouts, one about 4 months long and another about 2 months long of severe anxiety, the first when we were in our early 20s and just married and one after our second child was born. At other times, when I had panic attacks that were severe enough, I would call him and he would help me work my way out of them. He also helped with corresponding phobias, which for me almost always had to do with driving. My particular phobias include bridges and interstates and driving very long distances from home. (This is very common in case you are now scrunching your foreheads and wondering if I'm nuts -- 1/4 adults in their lifetime, and the most common mental illness. Still, it's hard to write about, because it is not something I am proud of.) Sometimes these attacks would come often, but as the years went by became more and more infrequent and less a part of our lives. I have been able to work, tote the kids around town, etc. Several times during our marriage I apologized for the two bouts that were longer, or would insecurely ask my husband if it bothered him being married to someone with panic disorder or helping me when I had the attacks. He always reassured me that there was no problem, and that really my disorder didn't affect our family life much at all.

Fast forward to last summer. His father, a huge homophobe, died suddenly. He started acting angry, defensive, and weird. He announced his bisexuality, then his need to have sex with men, I balked at an open marriage, hardly believing my ears, then he left me. I was devastated, and still am, because I had no clue this was coming and thought we had a great marriage. Twenty years and three children down the tubes in a matter of months. And 20 years of knowing this and not telling me. Having had sex with men before we were married. I'm still stunned with a mixture of loss and wanting to beat his brains out with my bare hands. The good news is I don't feel like I'm in love with him anymore, which I did oh so much for months after disclosure. I just miss the life we had. He gets to go back to his successful career while I have to change everything in my life. And I mean everything.

Then the worst thing happened: he wrote me a couple of emails and we had several face to face convos about my anxiety. He told me that he had hidden from me all these years how much it bothered him, how overly dependent I was on him, how much he hated being in a caretaker role for me, and how our marriage had been based on all the wrong things from the start -- namely him caring for me. This theme has come up over and over. He never mentioned his sexuality again, except to reiterate that he is bi (he REFUSES to admit he's gay) so that he could have just as easily left me for a woman as a man, he just had to get away from me and that if I looked inside myself I'd see why he had to leave. And there, was I happy that I now had the answers I had asked for so many times?

Now this was a major blow. Pretend you had a giant port wine stain on your face and your spouse told you for 20 years it didn't bother him. In fact, it made him love you more, because you were so tough or so sensitive due to having dealt with it. Then he tells you he's leaving you and he lied. That thing on your face is so ugly it made him want to puke for two decades straight. Years of therapy where I learned to accept and love myself and feel like my anxiety was just a part of me, not THE defining part of me, went down the tubes very quickly. Because my husband had always been a nice guy and very caring and so surely if this is the reason he says he's leaving, it must be true. Or perhaps, as I learned on this site, lots of these GIDs pick our softest spots and trample all over them, because if they look in the mirror and acknowledge they've blown their spouses and children to bits, that might make their heads explode from guilt. Always easier to blame the spouse. (Yet even as I type that, I feel flawed to the core due to his words and my own insecurity.)

Now to circle back to dating ... I am of course NOWHERE near telling any guy I might date about my anxiety, as it is personal and would have to come later ... in a real relationship. But after what my spouse has said, repeatedly and in so many different ways, my self-esteem is pretty much gouged and I believe NO ONE will ever want to take on a 41-year-old divorcee with an ex gay spouse, three kids, and an anxiety disorder. I mean, really. 

So why in the hell do I want to date anyway? My mother certainly thinks I'm nuts for even considering it. Well, because my husband has been gone 10 months, all my friends are married and busy with their kids, there are no divorce support groups in this town, and I'm BORED and LONELY when the kids are at Daddy Disneyland with Daddy and the bf he picked up and moved in with just 6 weeks after he left me. And also I will mention that I have not had sex with a straight person in 21 years and I'd like to see what I've been missing out on! But I am now SO DAMNED INSECURE, feeling like a marked woman. I'm in therapy to try to deal with all this (including being abandoned by my dad at age 5 -- my husband always talked about what an asshole my dad was -- how quaint, which makes the trauma of the last year even worse, according to my therapist, as I'm feeling unlovable and all-around rejected and then my marriage and life, which I was so secure in, completely fell apart -- where is Susan, she knows all about this stuff and I haven't seen her on the new board!) 

My mother argues I need to heal before dating, but can't I just go out for fun and maybe get some action???

Your input and expertise are needed! I still cry a lot, I have been traumatized, grief is still a daily part of my existence, so maybe she's right, but at any rate, I'd like to know what you all think about the anxiety and dating at this point in the process. Maybe I need to wait longer? SW I thought it was you who met Prince Charming right after and he ended up being a liar and that caused you even more trauma?


 

Last edited by Sue (June 24, 2016 9:06 pm)