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November 13, 2016 6:16 pm  #1


Custody ideas and input

I am asking for input.  I have my final divorce decree ready to present to my STBX.  I thought I had my part settled, but I am rethinking custody. 

Last edited by jkpeace (April 13, 2017 8:06 pm)

 

November 13, 2016 8:23 pm  #2


Re: Custody ideas and input

Visitation rights on a similar schedule until he lives somewhere where he can provide a proper stay-over arrangement?

By visitation I don't mean he makes regular visits to your place to spend time with them. It's done elsewhere, I've even heard of having a third party bring the kids wherever it is to meet their dad and then being responsible to return them back home. While that's going on - it's time you can use to focus on whatever you want.

For what it's worth, I'm not even certain you can tell a 14 and 17 year old that they HAVE to stay with Dad on certain weekends. That's right about the age where you start wanting to make your own decisions. I think you have to show that you are allowing a reasonable level of access to the kids balanced with responsibility but a very important thing about custody is the decision-making authority in times of emergency.


“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
 

November 13, 2016 9:19 pm  #3


Re: Custody ideas and input

My 2 cents...I'm a firm believer that he's %50 of the parents so he gets %50 of the time. If he needs to work on getting a place that fits the kids then he needs to get on it.

I know it's hard, I hated sharing too but those kids need their father and you need to work together until they're adults.

 

November 13, 2016 10:20 pm  #4


Re: Custody ideas and input

I would give him every other weekend until he can prove that he's settled, stable and responsible.  Especially if his own counselor is advising against him having 50/50.  


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

November 14, 2016 6:59 am  #5


Re: Custody ideas and input

I think your children are old enough to have their own wishes for how they wish to live. Perhaps even deciding which arrangements they want. They deserve to be heard at least, even if we adults tend to think we are better at having the right answer.

We did the 50 50 split, even if I was quite concerned whether she was up to taking care of small children at the time (4 and 6). I must admit that the time without children ended up being really important for my development and allowed me to do all sorts of crazy stuff, and also dating straight women. This free time for me really helped me get through the mess.

Jack

 

November 14, 2016 7:22 am  #6


Re: Custody ideas and input

I'm not doing well.with the "free time" because all I ever was a father.  Her taking  having kids even 1% of the time was like a knife in the side. My no fault state says a mother would need to be an axe murderer in order for me to have even 51% custody.  A dad..well the court feel dads even if they are a stay at home dad raising the kids are entitled to less than the mom.  Courts cannot see nor do they care if the kids are raised in a gay atheist household..  a mother will always have more rights to the kids than a dad ever wil.
JK,  a full custody battle would be expensive..is that really what you want..is your STB(gay)X  not able to watch the kids at all? 
Are they that unimportant to him?

Sorry for my bitterness.  I'm still smarting from my legal fight with my narcissist. (all that you have is mine..I am entitled to everything for what you did).


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

November 14, 2016 8:51 am  #7


Re: Custody ideas and input

Rob wrote:

I'm not doing well.with the "free time" because all I ever was a father.  Her taking  having kids even 1% of the time was like a knife in the side.

I had a very hard time with the separation because of that exact reason. My entire life wasn't me,  my identity was as family man. Husband and father. I had to push myself out of that mentality for my own sanity. I learned that husband and father are great things to be In relation to others but it wasn't enough for me to be myself. Rob, if you're still feeling like this I encourage you to go out there and take on new things that fulfill you for no other reason than they make you happy.

 

November 14, 2016 12:22 pm  #8


Re: Custody ideas and input

Let me lay out some terms here, which I think are often misunderstood and easy to misinterpret:

1.  Residential Parent - the parent that the children reside with.
2.  Joint Custody - both parents are responsible for making decisions on the raising and welfare of the children.
3.  Sole Custody - one parent (always the residenial parent) has the sole responsibility for making decisions on the raising and welfare of the children.
4.  50/50 Custody - Splitting the children's time equally between both parents.  This can mean they switch every-other-day between homes, or part of the week with one and the latter half with the other parent, or it can mean every-other-week, or every-other-month, or even three months at a time or 6 months of the year.  However it's agreed upon by the parents.
5.  Visitation - has nothing to do with custody.  You can have visitation regardless of whether there is sole or joint custody.  Parameters are put on visitation (or visitation is declined) if the non-custodial parent is deemed dangerous to the child(ren) or they are at risk of taking the children and not returning them.  In these cases, supervised visitation is usually allowed for.  If visitation is completely denied, it's likely due to abuse of the children.  In this case, sole custody would be awarded to the "good" parent, with visitation denied to the abusive parent altogether.

I know of many, MANY parents who have sole custody and the kids still have visitation with the non-custodial parent.  I myself have joint custody because I could foresee no areas where my ex and I would have major battles over the children's upbringing.  If you have a situation where one parent is insisting on a certain religious upbringing or private schooling where the other parent wants something entirely different, sole custody can eliminate legalities.  But it still doesn't mean the other parent won't vent or make their wishes known.  It just means that there is no legal reason to give them voice.  If you can joint parent well, then I believe that joint custody is the kindest, most respectful form of custody.  I do not believe that 50/50 custody is good for the kids in general.  Too much back-and-forth between "lives", so to speak.  Maybe it would work well if both parents lived on the same street or the parents both traveled a ton for work and it worked out better for supervision.  But otherwise, I feel it's unnecessary except to placate the non custodial parent.

Personally, I wouldn't do every 1st, 3rd and 5th weekend.  I'd just do every-other-weekend.  With the option of Wednesday evening visitation.  I myself have always allowed my kids to go with their dad as often as their dad and they wished - meaning that if he is in town and wants to swing by and take them for ice cream - go for it.  If he wants to take them to a play on Wed. evening and it can be worked out with school work, then cool with me.  It hasn't really worked that way - my ex only takes his every-other-weekend, and sometimes has cut those short.  He's never, EVER taken a Wed. evening, despite it being in the parenting agreement as his.  We switch holidays, and we both see the kids over Christmas - he has them from the afternoon they get off school for winter break through Christmas morning, and I get them later that morning through that evening.  I return them the next day and he keeps them for the week.  Then I get them for the second week of their break.  It allows both of us to have the kids with our families and have Christmas, but without depriving each other or the kids of their traditional times with both their extended families.  We are kind to each other in that if one of us has special family vacations (with extended family), we swap weekends to accommodate that.  The same with holidays where the entire family is getting together out of state (my ex's family is all out of state) - if the family is coming together, he can have them that holiday so they can see all their cousins and relatives.  It's never done over Christmas, though.  Usually Thanksgiving or Easter.  If I host my extended family at my home, my ex always lets us have the kids for that holiday.  We just kind of both give so that the kids can have a full life.

I hope this has helped. 

Kel

Last edited by Kel (November 14, 2016 12:23 pm)


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

November 14, 2016 12:35 pm  #9


Re: Custody ideas and input

By the way, there is no limit on what you give outside of the custody agreement.  I'll give you an example.  I had a friend who was divorced with two boys.  Their dad was a lawyer, and as such, often took the mother (my friend) to court just to f*ck with her.  He was friends with all the judges so often got what he wanted, which scared the sh*t out of her.  He did not really parent when the kids were with him - they would return home after visitation completely dirty, in the same clothes as they left in 3 days earlier, having done no schoolwork or even having brushed their teeth.  He just wanted to be their friend, not their parent.

At one point, the ex tried to gain custody of the oldest boy - who was 17 at that time.  This legally happened over the summer, and the mother was all up in arms over the fact that her child would be starting his senior year in a different town an hour away from his current home and high school, and would be free to run amuk that last year before college.  She was ready to fight tooth and nail.  An ad litem was appointed by the state (which she then had to pay half for) to ascertain what the child actually wanted and what was best for him.  It was getting crazy - the more the mother dug her heels in, the harder the father and the teenager fought against her.  I advised her to call a time-out.  Just LET THE KID GO live with his dad over the summer.  Don't change any of the custody agreements.  Don't intervene too much.  Just let him go and get it out of his system.  And that's exactly what wound up happening.  The kid wound up coming to understand that being largely unsupervised wasn't really any better than the life he was living.  He missed his home and his friends and his school and his activities.  And within weeks - before school could even be started for senior year - he returned home.  The father had his fill, too.  Custody was never changed, and the kid go what he wanted and no one was any worse off.  You can let your child change living arrangements with the agreement that if it goes beyond 3 months, you'll revisit child support.  You don't have to put ANY of that in writing.  Just know that if and when the time comes that the child wants to go live with the other parent, let them (so long as it can be done safely).  Let the chips fall and then deal with the outcome.  It's so much easier than fighting unless you think the child's true welfare is at stake.

Kel


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

November 14, 2016 1:21 pm  #10


Re: Custody ideas and input

jkpeace wrote:

He wanted 50/50, but his own counselor advised against that.  

jkp - As a spouse who has sole legal custody...why does his own counselor advise against 50/50?  Since this is a public forum you do not have to disclose, but I would offer that the starting place for your consideration should be with the counselor's opinion.
 


"No matter how hard the journey may be, remember to be kind to yourself..."
 

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