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Mon Feb 5 2:52 am  #901


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Thanks for sharing CJ. There comes a point in all gay/straight relationships when the straight spouse no longer looks to her gay in denial husband (or "GIDH") for answers. People divorce all the time because of: lack of sex/intimacy; too much conflict; mental illness; or people just grow apart. I've just read the following post from a new member who is planning to confront her husband: 

"Here is what I do know:
1. 15 years ago, found gay porn magazines. I confronted my husband then and he told me co-workers were playing a joke on him. I choose to believe him.
2. Three weeks ago, I discovered 3 gay porn magazines, 2 dildos, anal sex toys, lubricate.
3. He has not had sex with me for over 10 years, he has ED.
4. He travels on business every week, multiple states.
5. he brought new bikini underwear, shaves pubic hair.
6. Found fecal matter in weird places on outside of pants and zipper.
7. Make inappropriate comments and jokes about gays
8. there is no evidence, yet, on his computer or i-phone of any hookups or sexual encounters with men.
9. Married 43 years and I am 63 years old. He is a good man, cares and love me....and I love him, BUT
now I am done. I want him to speak the truth to me, I know the truth, I believe w/o a doubt he is having sexual encounters with men. 

So with those known facts, how to approach him? I thought about writing a letter rather than iniating a conversation. Stating in the letter, that I know his secret, that I will never reveal it to anyone but that I need him to speak the truth. Because I already know the truth, I know All of it.  That I know he is having sexual encounters with men. Or just do it in a conversation. I did not plan on giving him specifics of what I know.....I don't want to show my hand. I will not be angry but calm in my approach. I do have somewhat of an advantage because I do complete "investigations" in my line of work, so he will be questioning what I do know. So please give me your opinions on the best approach to use in order to hopefully get the TRUTH. Thank you so much, Cindy" 

​Please go to Cindy's thread to provide encouragement/support: 
http://straightspouse.boardhost.com/viewtopic.php?pid=12157#p12157. Here is my response to Cindy's question: "So please give me your opinions on the best approach to use in order to hopefully get the TRUTH." 

​Please note that I'm not a mental health professional. I'm simply stating my opinion. With that in mind, before confronting a GIDH, I believe the straight spouse should: 

1. Look objectively at the facts (not his excuses denials). 
​2. Fully accept that her husband is indeed gay. 
​3. Completely accept that 95% of gay/straight marriages end in divorce.  
​4. Accept that he'll likely NEVER admit that he's gay, particularly if he's over 40. 
​5. Before confronting him, the straight spouse should: 

​a. Know EXACTLY what she wants to do (separate, divorce, or stay in the relationship)
​b. If she chooses separation/divorce: before any confrontation she should gather conclusive evidence of cheating; consult with a lawyer; ensure her own financial stability/security; ensure her own mental stability/health (by finding a counsellor or support group); come up with a detailed plan (and contingencies); and discuss the plan with close friends and family who are 100% on her side. This may take a few months or even a year but it's worth the effort.

​6. Now that you've made a decision, have reviewed your legal options, have ensured your financial security, and have really mourned that the end of your relationship, NOW you're ready to confront your GIDH.

​How to confront a gay in denial husband.

Tip #1: Don't confront him. You're not going to win an argument with a man who has spent his entire life perfecting the art of hiding his sexuality. You're not going to hear the truth from a gay man who married a woman as cover.     
Tip #2: Manage your expectations. ​You're never going to hear this: "Yes I've cheated on you with men and I'm so sorry. But I still love you and will do whatever it takes to be the attentive and loving straight husband you deserve."
Tip #3: Expect the following: ​"I'm just curious (minimization). It only happened once (minimization). I was molested as a child (deflecting). You're too fat, demanding, and obsessed about sex (projecting/blaming/gaslighting). None of this is my fault."
Tip #4: ​Once you've ensured your financial safety/security, have consulted with a lawyer, and have gathered evidence that he's gay, I'd suggest the following. Print out his Craigslist messages, compromising emails, photos, Grindr chats, porn history, or gather up his dildos/lube. Make sure you have photos/copies of everything and store them in a safe place. Then put it all on the kitchen table and write a three-word note: "I know everything." Then sit back and let him come to you. Remember that this isn't an argument. When we argue, we're open to another person's opinion. If your husband has sex with men and no longer has sex with you, then it's not up for debate. He's gay. No amount of therapy, pleading, nor tears are going to change that basic fact. If he's having sex with men and not you (nor any other woman), then he is GAY GAY GAY. And it's never going to change. 
​Tip #5: ​After whatever lapse in time you deem is appropriate, you're then ready to have a one-sided conversation: "I know you're gay. I'm not going to debate it. And this is what I'm going to do...."

​I hope that helps friends. Be well!  

Last edited by Sean (Mon Feb 5 4:09 am)

 

Wed Feb 7 4:29 pm  #902


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Hi Sean!  
Sorry if this is a bit on the graphic side...
Can a man actually just be Bi if he is going to gay bath houses for strange sex, on gay hook-up sites and craigslist looking for sex with strange men? I have evidence of this. I have screenshots on my phone of where he's been a few times, I created a fake profile on a gay hook-up site and printed some of his messages and pictures of toys he has hidden in the office at work.  I DON'T PLAY! 
Also, if he is always wanting to have sex with me, complains I don't initiate sex, is always talking about women he sees on tv about how hot they are and what he would like to do (he has always talked like this so I just blow it off), how could he be totally gay? Could he be a sex addict and doesn't matter how he gets it? We have tried the pegging thing and he seems to really enjoy it more, but when have 'normal' sex he wants to be called names which is something new. There seems to be no limits when it comes to him wanting to be dominated. 
I just can't wrap my head around all of this. 
Thank you for listening!
Roo


“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain, when you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.” ~ Haruki Murakami ~
 
 

Wed Feb 7 6:37 pm  #903


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Roo,

This sure sounds a lot like porn/sex addiction escalated to acting out.

 

Thu Feb 8 2:34 am  #904


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Thank you both for writing. Please keep in mind that I'm not a mental health professional. I'm simply expressing my opinions. In response to Roo's post: 

1. Sorry if this is a bit on the graphic side...Can a man actually just be Bi if he is going to gay bath houses for strange sex, on gay hook-up sites and craigslist looking for sex with strange men? I have evidence of this. I have screenshots on my phone of where he's been a few times, I created a fake profile on a gay hook-up site and printed some of his messages and pictures of toys he has hidden in the office at work.  I DON'T PLAY!

Clearly! Question: what difference does it make whether he's gay or bi? I reckon you're negotiating with reality and that sounds a bit like this. "Well if he's gay then we have to break up but if he's bisexual then perhaps our relationship has a chance." In our previous exchanges, I encouraged you to focus on his actions rather than his words. If he's having sex with both men and women, then he's attracted to both sexes. If he's cheating with just men and using his wife as a gay sex prop, meaning he constantly wants you to penetrate him with dildos while calling him a "dirty faggot", then he's definitely in rainbow territory. But none of this matters. Now I encourage you to focus on you, your needs, and your feelings. The most important thing is how this matters to you. If he's having sex outside of your marriage, then get tested for STDs and practice only safe sex. Most importantly, ask yourself: Am I enjoying this? Is this my definition of love? Am I happy?    

2. Also, if he is always wanting to have sex with me, complains I don't initiate sex, is always talking about women he sees on tv about how hot they are and what he would like to do (he has always talked like this so I just blow it off), how could he be totally gay? Could he be a sex addict and doesn't matter how he gets it? We have tried the pegging thing and he seems to really enjoy it more, but when have 'normal' sex he wants to be called names which is something new. There seems to be no limits when it comes to him wanting to be dominated. 

I reckon "We have tried the pegging thing" was more like "He bought me a strap on, begged me to f*ck him, and enjoyed it so much it made me uncomfortable." Fair comment? I'm going to give you the same opinion that I shared in our last exchange. Words and actions are completely different things. I myself pretended ​to find girls hot when I played straight. Most gay men play straight for years, if not decades. We're really good at it. Yes he's talking a big game, and yet he's f*cking men and asking his wife to f*ck him with dildos. So his actions don't match up with his words. So forget what he's saying and focus on what he's doing and the effect on you. Every day, women divorce husbands for cheating with women. Your husband is cheating with men, lots of men in fact if I'm reading this correctly. He's also putting your health at risk. What we want from our partners is love, affection, and appreciation. I can't imagine your definition of love includes creating fake profiles to spy on your husband nor a husband who hides sex toys at work.   


3. I just can't wrap my head around all of this. Thank you for listening!

Roo I'm so sorry you're going through this my friend. You deserve better. I think the confusion comes from the disconnect between his actions and his words. To answer your first question, yes I believe that some people are bisexual, meaning they are attracted to both sexes. But setting aside the question of his sexuality, straight spouses all eventually reach this point: "Is this relationship making me happy?" Yes you can peg (f*ck) him with a dildo, but does this turn you on sexually? Are you satisified with this new sex life? Are you also allowed to have sex outside of your relationship? Is this your definition of love? Please don't take any of this as me acting all high and mighty. As I've shared in the past, my gay/straight marriage also went through a bargaining/limbo stage that lasted for about two years. And that looked similar to what you're going through now: me having sex with every man in a 30-mile radius while my wife silently suffered. I eventually realized the most loving thing I could do was divorce. Why? Because it gave me a chance to be myself while freeing my long-suffering straight wife. It also gave her a chance to find a straight man who would truly make her happy. It was painful at first, all break ups are traumatic, but now just a few years later we and our children are much happier.  

​I'm so sorry you're here and hope that helps my friend. Please feel free to write again if I haven't answered your questions. 

Last edited by Sean (Thu Feb 8 2:38 am)

 

Thu Feb 8 3:37 pm  #905


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Roo, Im so sorry you are going through this hell.
But here's my input in case you need it. I've heard this said many times; Bi-now Gay later.
I think I've also seen enough quotes from men who would support that regardless of how straight or only Bi they claim to be. The majority say as they get older they prefer just men. Many said that they gradually  formed more romantic ties with each other as they aged when that didn't use to be the case. 
Some admitted previously they wouldn't kiss, or do other things with men except get a BJ because they weren't gay and anything else grossed them out. But that too changed in time. 
I got this from Bi websites for men. I just wanted to hear their side and I can tell you that it only gets worse.
For us straights I think it's hopeless. There are some that claim to be faithful but that's only if their women play the man. I guess for some couples that could be a perfect match if your into that sort of thing.
Personally I'm not. I could see getting a little kinky to spice things up but for these guys there are no boundaries.
 

 

Thu Feb 8 4:17 pm  #906


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

I was just getting ready to post another question. I was wondering if he is so addicted to anal sex and giving BJ's now, can it/will it get worse. I think I am in a losing battle even if I do take on the dominate mistress more often. 

Sean,
To answer some of your questions/comments:
Yes, he wants me to always call him a "slut/faggot" when we are having straight sex. That seems to really get him off, big time. 
No, I am not comfortable using a dildo on him, but I do it, and I don't know why. 
Yes, he would not have a problem with me going out and having sex with another man. I DEFINITELY DO NOT WANT THAT. We've done the swing clubs many years ago and again, I was very uncomfortable with it. Honestly, if/when we do divorce, I'm not sure I could be intimate with anyone ever again. Especially at 57. 

 

Last edited by Roo (Mon Feb 12 8:40 am)


“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain, when you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.” ~ Haruki Murakami ~
 
 

Thu Feb 8 4:57 pm  #907


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Thanks for sharing Roo. It takes a lot of courage to post here my friend so bravo for being so honest. In reply: 

1. I was wondering if he is so addicted to anal sex and giving BJ's now, can it/will it get worse. I think I am in a losing battle even if I do take on the dominate mistress more often. 


​Perhaps it's time to stop seeing all of this as an "addiction" or an "anomaly." All evidence suggests his attraction to men (and men's body parts) is likely his true sexual nature.    

2. Yes, he wants me to always call him a "slug/faggot" when we are having straight sex. That seems to really get him off, big time.

Not really my cup of tea but some men get off on it. Question: can he still have normal intercourse (meaning penis in vagina)? If he only wants to be penetrated while being called a "slut/faggot" I reckon we no longer need to debate his true sexuality. 


3. No, I am not comfortable using a dildo on him, but I do it, and I don't know why. 

Tell him. This is your life and your sex life as well. 

4. Yes, he would not have a problem with me going out and having sex with another man. I DEFINITELY DO NOT WANT THAT. We've done the swing clubs many years ago and again, I was very uncomfortable with it. Honestly, if/when we do divorce, I'm not sure I could be intimate with anyone ever again. Especially at 57. 

Oh Roo I'm so sorry. I wish I could take away the pain. Straight spouses do everything possible to keep their gay-in-denial husbands happy. Sadly most of the time things just don't work out. You deserve a straight man who is crazy about you. Please keep coming back and sharing. You are not alone. 

Last edited by Sean (Thu Feb 8 5:01 pm)

 

Sun Feb 11 8:22 pm  #908


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Hello Sean,
                        i am so glad you are here to share your story, it helps to hear from the other side of things, i do have a few questions if you wouldn't mind giving me your opinion......H came out to me 5 weeks ago after an entire year of me thinking he was just having a severe midlife crisis....A year ago he seemingly changed over night into a nasty, angry, blaming person, kept telling me the things i did that were wrong that made us not a good match after 20 years, i was told we were not compatible and he was not happy and he wanted someone different than me and he wanted a new life, that was followed but months of his saying he wanted a divorce and was going to move out and mostly ignored me and i swear his eyes were black at times like he was insane....that went on for 6 months and then he seemed to calm down but was depressed and distant for months, he avoided me over the holidays and then 5 weeks ago told me he was gay...........He broke down, he cried, and said he has been trying to tell me for the past 2 years but he just couldn't go on any longer, said the life he was living was killing him, he could no longer be in the role of a husband (we have no kids) and he was not happy and has never been happy and he wants to finally act on these feeling he has always had and see if he will then be happy, said he wanted to make sure i was ok and then he would worry about himself, a week later he said he wasn't sure if he was gay or if he was just confused but now he is seeing someone (a guy),  he said they just talk but not sure if i believe that, they talk and text everyday and he goes there after work and sometimes sees him on the weekends, they had one movie date that i know about, he swears that he has never been with a guy and has never acted on these feelings and has always tried to suppress them but just can't any longer...........H is moving out in 2 weeks, he said he knows he is crazy to give up someone who loves him as much as i do and that he may never find that again but he feels he has no choice, said he wants to remain friends because we have been each others best friend for years. H is basically cheating on me now but he doesn't see it that way.....
                   This has all been alot for me to deal with but honestly his revelation is not a complete surprise, a woman can sense when something is off and 6-7 years ago i asked him if he was gay and he said no....i feel as if i am in a fog and from reading on this site i may have it better than most because H did admit to being gay and he is being as honest as he can.......however he is distant and not forthcoming with alot of information but will try to answer if i ask something, i have not yelled or screamed at him or kicked him out, just the opposite, i have told him several times that i love him and will always love him and i do see his pain and feel sorry that he had to hide who he was all these years but am also sorry that he hurt me.....i have no one to talk to because he is not out to anyone at all and i don't want to out him....H is no longer the raging narcissist he was last year but he is still not a friend to me..............i just wanted to know why you think he is not being a friend to me when i am not mad at him, why is he being distant and doesn't really want to share his life, is this normal? how can he not see that him going out to meet this guy would be hurtful to me, can we really be friends? the only thing he really has to deal with is occasionally i break down and cry but i try not to do that in front of him because i don't want him to feel guilty.....i would really like your opinion on what you think is really going on with him and if you feel he is being honest....do you think that this guy could be a long term thing or do you think H will go wild at some point? H is 48.....any opinion or advice would be greatly appreciated...thank you...Beth

 

Mon Feb 12 12:33 pm  #909


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Sean, I would appreciate your insight. I approach my husband regarding my evidence, and here is his responses, but now we just had conversation number 4 and the stories keep changing:

Gay Porn Magazines: 12 years ago I found them, he then told me someone brought them for him as a joke, the recent gay porn magazines I found 3 weeks ago, were free wth the purchase of dildos. And he claimed he never looked at gay porn only on those 2 occasions, but I found he opened a gay porn magazine on his iPhone, so I told him I knew he was lying, he then said he may watch gay porn but stopped that last year. He says he also watches other porn and would rather have a woman strap a dildo on and do it to him. That he could not imagine kissing a man or having sex with a man.

He has NOT had sex with me for 10 years, says he has ED. He claims he ONLY has sex with himself with inserting dildos and masturbating. That he knows he has been selfish and self indulgent and he wants our relationship to work.

He contracted hepatitis B 12 years ago and I just recently found out looking at his medical records. He tried to deny it at first saying he got it thru food, I told him you only contract Hep B thru blood, seman, or anal sex. He then cried and said he strayed one time with a female and had anal sex with her, and when he pulled out his penis was all bloody.

Now this may be too graphic, But I really need your opinion on this one: He travels on business, and when he came home, his business pants had fecal matter on the back belt loop, back pockets smear, and then on the front zipper opening there appear to be a drop of fecal matter (like a blood splatter would look like). And his underwear had fecal matter inside on top of band. I asked him what happened to his pants, he became defensive, and said he did not know, and then said they were dirty when he put them on and then said he had an accident and did not get to bathroom soon enough. I don't understand why he did not tell me this accident before, because often when he jogs, he may have accidents and laughs about it when he runs in the house. 

He also tells inappropriate jokes and comments about gays.

But even with all this evidence, he tells me he is only "having self with myself." And that many men enjoy anal stimulation, that it is not just a gay thing.. he claims he worried he might be gay but researched it and knows it is common with straight men.

All of what I have shared is a side of my husband of 43 years that I never knew about. The man I loved, was always caring, and supportive to me. All m friends and family love him and tells me how lucky I am to have him. He is a good person.......BUT the betrayal OMG!

Is he having sexual encounters with men? I have found no evidence of any hookups on craigslist or the grindr sites. But he travels for business weekly nationwide.

Thank you so much, 
cindy






 

 

Mon Feb 12 2:49 pm  #910


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Correction on note above, "having sex with myself."

 

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