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Tue Nov 8 11:38 pm  #11


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

1st time posting. Very hopeful you will answer. My husband believes he is bisexual and I did too at first. However, quickly after marriage (4 years now) his interest in sex/romance declined considerably. He put up multiple barriers (house clean, no morning sex, nothing unless we are both very freshly showered, etc.) He said he was angry and turned off by how "aggressive" I was about sex. Which I wasn't! Due to his extensive travel schedule the most I ever even hoped for was once a week - which definitely did not happen.

I've also learned that over the years (but not since marriage) he hooked up with probably a hundred men and watched gay porn. By the way we are late 40s so those 100 men are spread over many years. His one heterosexual relationship was with a small short haired Asian woman. (I mention that only because I've read gay men often choose Asian women as partners - not sure if it is true.) that relationship did last a long time.

What he has said is that he just likes sex with men, but never felt romantic or intimate with them and never wanted too. Always wanted a woman for that. Since marrying, before actually, he has been quite critical of me. He is good to my kids and loves having a family.

Does this sound bisexual? I want to believe it is so badly. I "believe" in bisexuals. I just don't know if he actually is one. I really love him.

 

Wed Nov 9 12:39 am  #12


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Lynn wrote:

What he has said is that he just likes sex with men, but never felt romantic or intimate with them and never wanted too. Always wanted a woman for that. Since marrying, before actually, he has been quite critical of me. He is good to my kids and loves having a family.

I don't mean to jump in on Sean's post but is this what you consider being romantic and intimate with you? It actually sounds cruel and abusive. Speaking as a straight male - he's definitely not one. As for house-keeping before sex? No straight man does that, I'm not even sure a bisexual male would, and it does sound like it's just barriers. If you overcome them, more will appear.

I am sorry you find yourself here but you are welcome. You are not alone, we have a few other ladies in similar situations and I expect you will begin to hear from them soon. Stay strong!
 

Last edited by Daryl (Wed Nov 9 12:40 am)

 

Wed Nov 9 1:48 am  #13


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Thank you for jumping in Daryl. Anyone is welcome to as I'm desperate for insight. It's very hard for me to figure out. About 4 months ago I just shut down sex altogether. As in even if he decided he wanted it, I'm not putting myself out there any more. I let him know that in a neutral way. He is bothered by this. I feel like maybe he is more bothered by the fact that as married people we "should" have sex, than he is by simply missing/wanting sex. There were a couple of times before I went into shutdown mode where he offered to have sex with me. It was very friendly but not like hey I really want you, or taking any action to get me in the mood, just more of an ok, "I've showered, do you want to shower?" Is it wrong or needy of me to want a little more of an expression of interest?
By the way, I know my sex "shut down" is immature I just felt desperate to take back some control or dignity in the situation.

My husband takes antidepressants and will blame those too on his lack of interest. But while his mood is better, the sex situation seems no worse now than pre-antidepressants.

The few times we've talked about this he gets angry about my need to label things. And I most definitely do have a tendency to ruminate and overthink things. He says he is bisexual, I work for a social service agency that fully embraces the idea of sexuality on a spectrum with bisexuals nearer the middle, and I believe all of that. I'm just having trouble believing that is our truth and it sucks wondering and having no one to talk to.

 

Wed Nov 9 2:07 am  #14


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Geez while I'm putting it all out there: my husband is a very good kisser but there has never been deep or tongue kissing; he comes about 50% of the time if I perform oral but not from vaginal sex & the oral takes a lot of effort on my part. He claims he likes to go down on me, but I can literally count on one hand the number of times that has happened. He doesn't understand why I think he doesn't like it. Well gee, maybe because you never do it. What he says he likes doesn't match what he does.  Again, maybe I'm overthinking it all. He is a middle aged man - I could be expecting too much.

 

Wed Nov 9 3:41 am  #15


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Thank you for posting Lynn and Darryl. All opinions are welcome as this is a free and open forum. Coming out is a very long, and often painful, process. It's further complicated when gay husbands like me marry straight wives. Regardless of what I or other members post here, and I've provided some commentary below, I'd urge you to trust your gut on this one. A woman's intuition is the strongest indicator of what's right or wrong in her marriage.  I'd urge you to take a blank piece of paper and simply finish the following sentence stems: 

1. Love for me means....
2. Marriage for me means...
3. Gay for me means....

Let me re-post what you've already shared here: 

1. "My husband believes he is bisexual..."
2. "After marriage (4 years now) his interest in sex/romance declined considerably."
3. "Due to his extensive travel schedule the most I ever even hoped for was once a week"
4. "...he hooked up with probably a hundred men and watched gay porn."
5. "...we are late 40s..."
6. "...he...likes sex with men..."
7. "...he has been quite critical of me...he said he was angry and turned off..."
8. "...I really love him."

By any objective standard, your husband appears to be gay. I know this is a highly charged word but seems true given the facts you've provided. For the moment, however, I'd focus less on what he's doing and turn the focus on yourself and your happiness. Turning now to my own story, I'm happy to share some similarities with your situation:

1. My only other love interest in highschool was a small Asian woman. 
2. I too traveled extensively for work. This eventually allowed me to live a double life.  
3. I came out in my 40s, simply because I was too tired in mid-life to keep hiding it. 
4. While married, I too slept with men and watched gay porn. 
5. I too blamed my wife for my lack of interest in sex, when it was really my fault. 
6. I married a kind and caring woman who was attracted to my wounded and brooding nature. 
7. I too suffered from depression because my secrets were killing me. 
8. My ex-wife suffered from bulimia and was the daughter of an alcoholic father and manic-depressive mother. Some believe this made her a co-dependent spouse, ready to sacrifice her own happiness for mine. 

Now I'd suggest you focus 100% on yourself. Focus on your happiness, your health, and your well-being. So please keep posting here, perhaps reach out to some straight wives and maybe in the next week or so call/email a fellow straight spouse. I'd urge you to share all of this with a close friend or member of your family. Don't isolate yourself when you need love and support. I hope that helps in some small way. 

     Thread Starter
 

Wed Nov 9 9:32 am  #16


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

In response to megleigh: 

1. I guess I'm asking if you have experience with gay men who really believe that it's none of their wife's business as long as they're trying to be a good Christian.

This is a common (bullsh*t) argument used by Christian men who have sinned. I don't have any experience with this situation as it pertains to homosexuality. I don't believe we can 'pray the gay away' nor that strong faith can change our sexual orientation. My ex-wife believed it for a time although I'm still gay. 

2. He seems to believe it's SO common that it's not even worth mentioning and definitely not worthy of any marital discord.  I can't understand it.

Common I don't think so. Perhaps it would help to use another example. What if we were talking about adultery rather than homosexuality. Does his logic still stand? 

"I guess I'm asking if you have experience with adulterous men who really believe that it's none of their wife's business as long as they're trying to be a good Christian. He seems to believe adultery is SO common that it's not even worth mentioning and definitely not worthy of any marital discord.  I can't understand it."

I'd argue that whether he's sleeping with other men or women, it is your business. Why? Because it's your health and well being that are at stake. It's your business whether he brings some disease into the bedroom every night. That's everybody's business really. I hope that helps in some way. 

     Thread Starter
 

Wed Nov 9 12:49 pm  #17


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Thank you Sean. I will write more later (at work now) but just wanted to say I saw this and appreciate it. And please, anyone else please feel free to jump in to.

I also want to clarify, in case it makes a difference, that the sleeping with 100s of men was before our marriage 4 years ago.  I do not believe that has happened since, the gay porn is still an occasional thing. I believe my husband is honest - I.e. he told me about his bisexuality right away. I'm just not sure he is honest with himself and that is affecting me. Does that make any sense at all? Am I just borrowing trouble?

 

Wed Nov 9 2:45 pm  #18


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Yesterday you said that you wanted to be loved by another man.  There's a thought that has been rattling around in my brain a lot since I discovered this and I can't quite put my finger on why I think it's somehow related, maybe you'll have some insight.  My partner has no male role models in his life.  He grew up in small town country where the oldest male (his brother) is more revered than the second born (him).  His dad kept to himself, he has no close uncles, his grandfathers both died when he was a young kid.  His brother couldn't be more different than him (brother is good ol country boy; while my partner moved to the city put himself through college and works in an office).  Despite that he's more successful and educated he'll never live up to his brother within his family it's always like he has to prove he's as much of a man, no one ever asks him for anything it's always his brother, it's little things like who carves the turkey, who sort of takes on that head male role in the family.   As an adult his mom bought him a god damn jewellery box for Christmas and his brother some power tool.  He was livid, he's almost undermined it seems by his family.  He doesn't have any male buddies that he can consistently rely on to hang out with, just a few old friends he sees a few times a year.  I would say he's not really bonded with anyone.

I don't know why I think this is related but it feels as though it may be. 

​One last thing, when we first started dating I was going to meet his family for the first time and I nervously said to him 'I wonder what they'll think of me' and he sarcastically blurted out 'they'll probably think thank god he's not gay'  , 18 years later I still remember the way he said that it was so odd.

​Maybe I should have posted this to the main board to get a broader opinion but what you said made my brain spark that there is something there.

Vicky


 
 

Wed Nov 9 4:05 pm  #19


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

my ex was the younger of two brothers.  Looking back it is clear that the father was a closet gay.  The mother got depressed when my ex was born but not when the older one was, he is straight.  He was her favourite.  My ex was lucky enough to have a close relationship with his father.

His mother used to take my ex to musicals when he was growing up.  That was something they could share pleasure in.  she was always good to him.  I thought she would be sad when her husband died, they had been together a long time, but she became more cheerful, the whole family noticed it.

with hindsight I can see that my father in law gave my husband advice on how to stay in the closet.  He was fond of me and I do not believe he understood how painful it was for the straight wife.  He believed himself when he blamed his wife for their problems and we all believed him too.  We just all thought nice woman but has problems.  No wonder she was happier when he wasn't around any more. 

 

Wed Nov 9 8:17 pm  #20


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Hi Sean, 
As many before me have said, thank you for your willingness to help the straight spouse, & your honesty while doing it. 
My question is regarding gay porn/pics. In 2013, I discovered by pure accident gay porn videos & links to pics of naked men on my GIDH tablet.  Found similar things on his cell phone, both dating back several months. the usual ensued (denial of SSA, saying he was only ‘curious’ because of his h/o childhood sexual abuse, etc). stayed together because I believed him. of course it’s never left my mind. I can’t unsee or unknow. 
How soon after watching gay porn did you venture into ‘real life’ experiences? I know everyone is different, but it appears to be a common occurrence that eventually most GID men go from gay porn to hook ups. 
and please be completely honest (& blunt if needed) & share of any signs/behaviors I should be looking for.

thanks in advance,
CT 

 

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