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October 29, 2016 12:09 am  #1


I'm now the member of 3 clubs: Husband is CD/TG and GID!

Just when I thought it couldn't possibly get any worse, I discovered yesterday, or at least, got solid confirmation my Transgender husband is in fact gay. As if I needed more confirmation than years of sexual & intimate rejection from him, and all those other "Hmmmm" things that we all here know about, I discovered thru snooping that he is 100% gay. In some ways I'm sort of relieved. It really does answer so many questions I've had over the years. It also really helped that I was on this forum first, listening to everyone else's recollections & relationship maps so that I didn't go too off the rails.

Oh, don't get me wrong, I went fucking ballistic while no one was home, then had to put on a brave face and pretend all was kosher. One simple issue with the kids led to a big blow up & I told him he "had no place interjecting like he gives a shit. After years of being emotionally unavailable to ALL of us, he can just sit the fuck down. The only person he honestly gives a damn about in this house is himself, so cut the bullshit". He was shocked to say the least. He knew that was it. So much so that he had a "private conversation" with the kids and said he needed to find a place. And on cue, had them feeling sorry for him. I didn't sleep a wink last night, blood pressure thru the roof & heart beating right out of my chest. I woke up this morning & got goddamn busy & hyper focused like I've not seen in years. I'm sitting in a hotel room right now, with my kids, after a long ass day of hiding, organizing & recruiting. When he came home at the end of the day I asked him if he found a place yet. *dopey look* "No, why?" I told him jig is up, I've been complacent for the last 4 months afraid to face reality & he clearly used that as a way to extend the bullshit & abuse & gaslight me further. I told him I knew he was indeed gay, to face himself & his truth. Of course he laughed & acted so indignant! 

I am SOOOOOOOOO grateful to everyone here, for all their grace, candor, crass, anger, pleas, and telling the BLOODY truth!! I knew exactly what he was doing because of all of you! Had I not been an angry poster member beforehand I would have been confused, pleaded for another go at it, questioned myself, felt bad for him, the kids, the garbageman (Everyone accept me.) Instead, I simply smiled, let him go on about how the lack of sex was MY fault, that I was imagining shit, asked for proof yadayadayada....you all know the drill.

I will return to the house tmrw, in daylight & see what damage is done. I've also told my neighbor whattha hell is going down so she can phone me /text me every night to make sure we're okay. Poor woman I realize now looked gobsmacked & I'm sure she is pouring a stiff cocktail & phoning all her rellies to let them in on soap opera worthy gossip. You know what? I don't give a shit!!!

OUTofHISCloset:....that "Always The Bride" moment he thought he was going to have this weekend, the one he has been giddy about for months, the one where I helped him style & produce the craziest costume that wins him awards every year? I added to it for him last week & perfected it (totally wicked if I do say so and yes, my middle name is Stockholm) I'm sure he had a boner over it every night. He even said: "The drag queens are gonna love this so much!!" Ya, that costume. I took it, and all his TG clothes, wigs, gowns and put them in storage as insurance. As it's the only thing he cares about, above all else, I took it as insurance. When he sorts some legal, financial shit out & admits to the $$ he has been hiding (which I found black & white proof about, took pics etc,) he will get his precious tits & ass back.

No more doormat for this broad. No one puts baby in the corner, and all that jazz.......just no "jazz hands" K? ;)


Bless you all, hope everyone finds their self love, umpff, kahunas & inner strength this weekend,
I'm off to now get thoroughly acquainted with the whole GIDSTBX y'all are so familiar with (because to be honest, I kinda skimmed over it all thinking "you poor bastards, I'm so glad THAT doesn't apply to me") 

Sham xxxxxxxx

 

October 29, 2016 6:38 am  #2


Re: I'm now the member of 3 clubs: Husband is CD/TG and GID!

Holy crap sham, I'd love to meet you in real life cause I think we'd be fast friends! You go girl! I lol with the hiding of his " costume " accessories! Seriously though, please be careful, you've got him on the run, that's a dangerous time, be safe.

 

October 29, 2016 8:16 am  #3


Re: I'm now the member of 3 clubs: Husband is CD/TG and GID!

Go sham, go.  Its called doing what needs to be done. Its called self worth and ethical  morality.

I read your post and can feel the righteous  defense of self  and kids which we need to have.  Make sure you have a lawyer

  These spouses can't expect no consequences to their actions. They are not gods. I think a lot of them are narcissists. .as I snooped like you what I found was horrible and the more I snooped the worst it got.  Their sense of entitlement and what they are doing is right knows no bounds.   

I think you handled everything well. I certainly did not show enough righteous anger..treated my ex too nicely when confronting her in the beginning.  In truth I gave up as she would twist any arguement into something else..ie you were snooping. ..that's private...always keeping off the real truth of her gay affair. I avoided trying to reason with someone who's values did not include me or the kids.

I think it's never to late to throw up boundaries.. my GX was shocked as I said no to all her threats and demands as we divorced.  Too little too late but boundaries nonetheless for my self worth and kids.


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

October 29, 2016 9:01 am  #4


Re: I'm now the member of 3 clubs: Husband is CD/TG and GID!

Dear Sham,

What was done to us could make any of us act crazy and seem crazy due to the shock and ruination of it all. Be as strong as possible while you try to rein your emotions in. I say this to protect you; otherwise, he will try to convince your kids that you are crazy! The out of control high blood pressure or racing heart can also be beyond being emotionally devastated. You could have PTSD. A racing heart and hyper vigilance and over diligence are signs of that. Be certain that he will press your buttons to get you to explode as he stands there glaring at you, especially in front of the kids and asks, "What is WRONG with YOU?" He could be trying to get you to leave instead of him.

Even though the twisted marriage feels (and is) intolerable, remember that time is on your side. Don't do anything rash. Talk to a lawyer. Think things through. Make a plan. Maintain your composure as much as possible in front of your kids and find a private place and opportunity to scream out loud. Driving to an empty (but safe) parking lot to cry or scream does help!!

You are under extreme stress and in deep pain. Find a counselor who is sympathetic to your experience. Don't waste another moment of your energy trying to get your husband to admit that he's gay. You know enough! He's not straight! You didn't sign up for a non-heterosexual marriage relationship! A MOM with signs of unfaithful behavior doesn't work for you! He's robbed enough from you. Take steps towards being free and healing without expectations of cooperation from your husband. When he continues to do whatever he wants, use legal parameter to set your boundaries.

Please take  care of you! Be strong! You can do this by taking CARRILone step at a time!

 

October 29, 2016 9:04 am  #5


Re: I'm now the member of 3 clubs: Husband is CD/TG and GID!

CARRIL (omit). It's an encryption error!

 

October 29, 2016 9:09 am  #6


Re: I'm now the member of 3 clubs: Husband is CD/TG and GID!

Also, you like the rest of us are done with Stockholm syndrome!! We can no longer accept being prisoners to their worlds and captives to their lies!!

 

October 29, 2016 10:26 pm  #7


Re: I'm now the member of 3 clubs: Husband is CD/TG and GID!

Dee: Bless you, I could sure use a real facetoface friend right about now. If you ever find yourself wanting a vaca in Alberta, ring me up!

Today was productive, he moved a lot of stuff out (read: cleaned us out), to where i don't know. I was busy purging & packing his inside stuff up.

I had already discussed with my lawyer on Friday about moving forward & expediting our initial plan. I took the "emergency plan of action "The nice thing about him raping the property of all supplies & equipment, leaving me nothing, is that I then can justify changing the locks on Monday. He will have no reason to come back & so we need to be safe right? ;) Plus, I've been taking plenty of photos of Before & after for documentation.

I was not in bad shape today, only ugly cried a few times with the reality hitting me, how alone I am, scared shitless for me & the kids. At the risk of sounding like a selfish narc mom myself, it's not the kids I'm so sad for. They will still have their relationship with their father, they are just starting out in thoer adult life & looking forward to so many wonderful loving times. But I'm early 50's, and not as naive & optimistic of love. The finality & emptiness of it all is so bloody crushing. And it's really hard to comfort the kids when they are confused, mad at me I'm sure & they haven't a clue what happened between 3 days ago & now that this is all going down. I'll discuss with my therapist how to handle questions & reveals & truth so as not to traumatize them further. I will not however, keep TGT or his transitioning a secret. In time, sure, but there will be no more shame, secrets & collusion. It breeds such darkness.

Betsy; I'm unfortunately well aware of the Stockholm\s, PTSD & all that. I've been doing a lot of research & both me & the psychologist agree I am battling both, plus depression/anxiety.  It does help reading about narc gay husbands & divorce as it eases the pain a bit knowing hundreds/thousands have gone thru the same, describe the journey the same & it is possible to come out the other end somewhat in tact. It just takes time. I would give anything to skip this next year of sadness & get to the brighter spots.

I'll admit, it is frighteningly painful at times & I truly feel so abandoned. I'm a grown ass woman & feel like I've been dropped off on the moon to fend for myself. The only thing I have is Faith. Faith that I was finally thrown into this because i obviously wasn't going to initiate it myself (or at least follow thru with it). Even now, I so want to be where we all were a year ago so I keep reminding myself the future couldn't possibly be worse than the last 20. I'm scared shitless, but the glass is still half full.

I've been thinking about something lately, regards to the magnitude of the grief we all feel. I've been thru betrayal (affair) with my husband before & yes, it was terribly painful, but this? It's so massive, like a dam of pain is being let loose. I'm wondering if what makes the grief & loss so profound for us str8t's is that we have bottled up, shoved down, ignored, pacified all those years of painful moments & when your body finally is able to acknowledge it it's an insane depth of sorrow. As in, beyond the couple dozen things that one would normally be feeling in "normal" betrayal, but then hundreds of hurts that have accumulated over your entire relationship are suddenly all boiling over. Does that ramble make sense? No wonder I've had a longstanding migraine for almost a month.

Bless you all for the lovely hugs & support. It means so much as you already know  

Sham xxxx





 

Last edited by whatasham24 (October 29, 2016 10:33 pm)

     Thread Starter
 

October 29, 2016 11:48 pm  #8


Re: I'm now the member of 3 clubs: Husband is CD/TG and GID!

Sham,

Your description of the magnitude of grief is right on. It's the interlocking years of lies and fabrications that "does us in" so much. The entire marriage was not just based on loving someone and raising a family. It served to hide what the GIDH knew very well about himself going into the marriage. Maybe they hoped we'd be a cure, but we deserved honesty about their sexuality, something they often refuse to acknowledge even though they admit to some things after getting caught in homosexual activities.

I can look back and to our early marital years and see how my X seemed to be feeling guilty. He was overly apologetic about minor things that offended me, begging me to never leave him. I thought it was odd and just anxiety.

His attitude changed twards his middle-aged years, hinting that he was a "prime candidate for having an affair". He'd then deny he ever would do such a thing but explain again how understandable it would be (Yet, same-sex hook ups aren't considered to be affairs to most closeted men anyways). He'd acknowledge I was a good wife but explain how that didnt matter in the topic of affairs. It was about how one felt about himself that could cause affairs (Especially true if he since he had little attraction towards me to make him feel sexual desire or sexually fulfilled).

His attitude grew worse into devious behavior that was coupled with an enjoyment in duping me. I see it clearly now that I know that it's men he prefers. Beneath all my denial I held onto because I loved him and because if I pressed him, he'd reassure me of his loyalty just as I hoped to hear.. I thought he'd never lie to me and yet, he was so cunningly deceitful. All those years he pretended while he resented me as a woman (as I sensed) and all those years I looked for him to love me as I thought he once did. It's all PTSD material when you think for decades that your life with a spouse is one way but it's really something completely different. It's so far-reaching that unless a person has experienced this so seemingly unfathomable reality, one could not understand the sheer magnitude of it.

Your world falls apart, you stand there in shock for awhile, you pick up the pieces that are valuable, you leave the rest in the rubble, you walk forwards, and you start to heal and rebuild. It does get better.

Handf in there.

I

 

October 30, 2016 7:37 am  #9


Re: I'm now the member of 3 clubs: Husband is CD/TG and GID!

Sham,
   I'm so sorry I didn't log in here right after you first wrote, so I could offer you support when you needed it in a crisis.  As it happens, you were writing your message about gathering up all the lady duds on the same day I was fantasizing about pulling all my husband's lady duds out of the drawer and cutting them up with scissors before leaving them in a pile on the front walk.  
   I'm sorry your break up had to come as a crisis, but I'm really glad you had the break through, and made the move.  You were in an intolerable situation, and caught between the pressure of living with the demands placed on you by a pathological narcissist and the promptings of your own knowledge that you needed to get out and save yourself.   
   I do so understand what you mean about the sorrows, how you cast back through your life and see things differently, and feel the loss of them as you go.  When my husband came out as CD/TG, I felt as if my whole past had been a lie, and that he'd taken it from me.  Later I began to mourn the loss of what I'd formerly felt were good moments, all of which I would now forever see through the lens of what I now know about him.  Recently other events in the past have started to come up, and I'm seeing them in a new light, too, in which I am creeped out by how he fed on my female body like a vampire--when I was breastfeeding my baby my husband wanted to be there in the room and watch, and took pictures of the baby at my breast, focusing on the baby and the breast, without my face in the picture, because, I know now, breasts are what he wants for himself.  My role in his life is to give him access to the female body and experience he wants for himself, and when I refuse to play that role, he goes all frosty and hard, becoming, as you so eloquently told your husband, he was "emotionally unavailable."  How right you are: with these men it's like living in an emotional freeze-out zone.  
     Part of the grief I've been processing is for the loss of my hopeful vision of a future in which we work things out; all those years invested in thinking maybe, just maybe, we could correct course and make it work, and how great it would be.  When my husband first came out, I helped him express his desires because I thought, hey, if he can finally be his authentic self, maybe he can be happier, and if he's happier, maybe he can finally be a full partner in this marriage.  (Not the same as your "if I help him maybe he'll eventually get it out of his system," but similar in the essential hope.)  But as we know, with these types it's ALL about them; they are incapable of looking outside themselves.  Last weekend I fled the house for a colleague's (she was out of town), after another conversation with him in which he said, for the umpteenth time, "I know I have to be better at communicating.  I'll use the time you're away to think about what I want from you."  "What I want from you."  Not, "what we might do."  Not even, "What I want for myself" or "who I am."  What "what I want from you."  I have never had a more clear revelation of his vision of my place in his life.  You hear it and see it for a long time, and each time, it becomes more clear, and then, finally, you can't live with it anymore.  
   That's where you are: you knew what you could stand and you knew what you couldn't; you knew that your health couldn't stand up to the blows your body has been absorbing on behalf of your mind and emotions for years and years.  
   Please don't beat yourself up about seeming heartless about your kids and worrying about yourself.  The relationship between children and parents is different than the one between spouses, and you are absolutely right that they will continue to have a relationship with him.  They will have a relationship with you, too, even if at first it may be rocky, because the person who exposes the craziness that everyone else is doing their best to ignore is the one who gets blamed.  Families have a huge investment in masking the dysfunction that allows them to limp along, dysfunctionally.  
  Sham, I'm 63, and will be 65 when I walk out (if I can indeed endure living in this mess for two more years); I'd give to be ten years younger, to feel I had even the ghost of a chance for a chance at a lover.  But both of us, you and me?  We'll feel years younger and lighter without them, and we'll watch the years drop off as the anxiety and perpetual stress drops away.  We'll get our authentic woman selves and our authentic woman lives while they ever more desperately feed their delusion.
   And Sham, when I was a teenager I rode in the Calgary Stampede, where a chuck wagon racer said I'd make a hell of an outrider.  I'm counting on that toughness...and I know you've got it, too, or you couldn't have endured the craziness or stood up to it now.  
  You go, girl.  
  

 

October 30, 2016 10:06 am  #10


Re: I'm now the member of 3 clubs: Husband is CD/TG and GID!

I'm sorry, I just have to thank you for that funny and cathartic post!  Get it, Girl.

When I first started posting about my poor confused and abused husband and his gay porn addiction, I thought the people on here were angry old-fashioned homophobes.  I told myself that we were different, but when things started going just like all these angry ladies said it would, I began to listen.  Thank god for folks willing to tell the truth!  It helped me see through so much of my GIDEXH's BS that would have taken me years to sift through on my own.

 

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