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October 19, 2016 10:38 pm  #1


Trying to vent, looking for people to help understand

Hello, I'd like to talk about what I'm going through and I'm hoping for help to get closure. I just re-read this post I wrote and it's a novel. Apologies for the novella.

I've been separated from my ex for 3 years now. The year before she left was quite bad. She was hostile, evasive, I felt horrible about myself. In that time she had become close friends with a lesbian who I thought (and was told repeatedly) was just a friend. As things got bad between us, this woman was always around. I caught my ex lying many times about who she was with. She was often claiming to be with a group of friends and I would find out was just with her. Confronting her just ended in bs stories about how I'm being mean and don't understand she's going through a depression because she had cancer about 5 years earlier.

When she finally told me she was leaving, she swore up and down it was just a separation. She said she was on the verge of a breakdown and she was unhappy in the marriage. I believed her but again, that lesbian was there in the background more than ever. In time, the kids told me she was sleeping over on the couch. My ex told me she was just needing a place to crash and was helping pay rent. 

Nothing of her stories ever made sense. She's going through a depression but she's always partying. She needs to be alone but the lesbian lives with her. She's broke but they go on holidays together. Finally after 2 years, I decided I had done everything I could to save this marriage and told her I was getting ready for a divorce. A few months later, I began dating this really wonderful woman. Despite complications with divorce paperwork, I was finally at peace that I had no regrets about ending the marriage and was in a new relationship.

Eventually, I told the kids about her. I then told the ex because I felt it respectful to not find out from the kids. Soon after, she kicked a fit and insisted she loves me after all and we need to start to spend time together to reconnect. This had caused issues with my girlfriend and we had to pause for a moment. It didn't take long for the ex to drift off again inexplicably as she understood I wasn't really into it anymore. My girlfriend and I got back together slowly and I'm grateful for her patience and understanding.

Last weekend, as my girlfriend came to stay for the weekend, my ex texts me to say that she's been dating that same lesbian I was originally suspecting for a couple months now. She had also told the kids. I was in shock. Finally, her actions made sense. My suspicions were confirmed. I was at peace for a good 20 minutes and then I was furious. How long was I being fooled? Was she the first? 

I confronted my ex about the truth of the matter, I don't believe this began a couple months ago. She swears up and down this woman wasn't involved. Now she's telling me that even though she's dating a lesbian, she doesn't have a same-sex attraction. This is making me so mad and hurt.

I don't want to sound confusing. I really did make my decision to move on but this was a shock, It's bothering me. It's like she lived a lie, cheated, watched me waste 2 years of my life confused and hurt and waiting for a chance to work to save this marriage. Now she wants to act like nothing had happened and she did nothing wrong. I'm so angry!!!! I'm having a very hard time getting closure. I don't like this, I want the peace I just made in my life back. I can't stand the lies, I can't stand being fooled, I'm humiliated.

 

 

October 20, 2016 12:19 am  #2


Re: Trying to vent, looking for people to help understand

It's not just a few choice lies or even stupid lies about insignificant things. What we often discover is a web of interlocking calculated lies that never stop. They will admit nothing they want to admit, they create their own reality, somehow they think that if they make it sound good it's truth - or their truth. Stop waiting for a full confession or anything that will make sense. You know enough and have been through enough mental torment. Move forwards, don't look back more than you need to to process how devastating this is. Acceptance of this mind-boggling mess that our spouses created helps us to heal. We can never get back what we put into that commitment. Except for our kids, it was pretty fake with little to gain from the investment of our lives. Enjoy your new relationship. Sorry you're here. Keep moving forwards. As unfathomable as it is that a spouse could actually do this to us, it does get better in time.

 

October 20, 2016 4:57 am  #3


Re: Trying to vent, looking for people to help understand

I think the one factor in finding out about TGT is anger. The shock is short lived. The anger is not. The sheer complexity of all these lies upon lies in order to live a dual life as they have, is just amazing. Who would want to live like they do? They have to know they are going to get caught. Lies pile up and it takes one to cover another. The game fails with a big messy hurtful explosion in the end. How could any of them have any self respect? I don't get it. I can say I am remarkably angry and it's growing at an enormous clip. It's being fueled by a greater degree of clarity from the separation. What's behind me is just plain ugly and humiliating and by not acknowledging it, I was a part of it.  I stayed to fix it.  The thing is, none of us can reasonably throw away our own sexual preference which doesn't match our partners. This stay and work it out isn't ever going to work. It only delays the ending. I am living proof of that fact. 
 

Last edited by Judy (October 20, 2016 4:59 am)

 

October 20, 2016 5:07 am  #4


Re: Trying to vent, looking for people to help understand

Betsy, 

Interlocking calculated lies. I love that description. The complexity and degree of effort put into lying was a jaw dropper.  It's not something I would ever feel good about being an expert at and yet mine thought it fine to lie. NO empathy seems to go with their game.


Betsy wrote:

It's not just a few choice lies or even stupid lies about insignificant things. What we often discover is a web of interlocking calculated lies that never stop. They will admit nothing they want to admit, they create their own reality, somehow they think that if they make it sound good it's truth - or their truth. Stop waiting for a full confession or anything that will make sense. You know enough and have been through enough mental torment. Move forwards, don't look back more than you need to to process how devastating this is. Acceptance of this mind-boggling mess that our spouses created helps us to heal. We can never get back what we put into that commitment. Except for our kids, it was pretty fake with little to gain from the investment of our lives. Enjoy your new relationship. Sorry you're here. Keep moving forwards. As unfathomable as it is that a spouse could actually do this to us, it does get better in time.

 

 

October 20, 2016 10:22 am  #5


Re: Trying to vent, looking for people to help understand

Billie wrote:

 I don't understand what you were thinking/concluding during those two years apart. She was saying one thing and doing another (depressed/partying; needs to be alone/living with lesbian; broke/vacationing) all that time. And telling you now that she's dating the lesbian but not attracted to her same sex.

The problem here's isn't that she's gay. The problem is that quite apart from being gay she's got a personality disorder and it's horrifying to know that she's got access to the kids.

She did all this sleazy stuff..... and then as soon as you told her you'd met someone special (i.e. you'd moved on), she tried to come back and wreck your life and your happiness. What's worse is, you let her. If this new woman in your life, your new GF, is so great, why did you put HER through that B.S.? Here she is being good to you, upfront, caring? and when your ex pulls some manipulation, after two years of hell and divorce proceedings in the works... the girlfriend discovers that your ex still has a lot of power over you.
The right thing to do would have been to shut your ex down fast and clearly.

Then the weekend that your GF is due to spend with you, your ex texts you to tell you the only thing she can think of that will really hurt you-- and RUIN YOUR and your girlfriend's weekend. Again, your poor GF sees that you're not only not over your ex-- but that you allow your ex the power over you, still, to wreck things between the two of you (you and your GF.)

Knowing how treacherously deceptive your wife is, I can only conclude you must have told her you'd met someone special in order to make her jealous-- to see if she still cared. And sure enough-- she tried to wreck your new relationship. So, you got a response all right.... but the fact remains that by telling her you'd met someone, you were testing the waters there. It doesn't ring quite true that you told her "out of respect"...... how is that respectful, exactly? She certainly has not shown you any respect-- just the opposite. It sounds like you deliberately wanted to see if she'd respond in some way.

You say at the end of your post that you can't stand being fooled..... indeed that's a truly sh*tty, crushing, demeaning feeling, as everyone on this forum can attest.... but it sounds like this is more about your ego right now than anything else.
Your girlfriend deserved so much better than this. I have been in her position and it's horrible; falling for a man who is acting like he's available.... but is in fact not even on the rebound yet.... it's worse than rebound: you're still not over your ex. What must the new woman be thinking?? She thought the two of you had something.... she thought she knew you.... and now she sees you jump when your STB ex snaps her fingers and comes at you with a wrecking ball. She, the new woman in your life, does NOT deserve to be dragged down into this hopeless cesspit of manipulation and games.

For this new woman's sake (because she is a truly innocent bystander in this mess-- and if she has any sense of self-preservation, she should already be seriously reconsidering her investment in your relationship) and that of your kids, either let her go, or please get some therapy and find out why you are hung up on a woman who treats you like trash.... esp. when you have by your own description a great wonderful new woman who wants to love you and treat you well. This should be a no-brainer.

The stated purpose of the OP posting was for support. Not all truths need to be drilled into someone's head right out of the gate. Even though you says some true things in your post, really is there a need to be that harsh? Show a little chill to someone brand new to the board (even if they aren't brand new to the situation).
 

 

October 20, 2016 11:30 am  #6


Re: Trying to vent, looking for people to help understand

lorax, 

You are dealing with an incredibly hard situation.  You are among an already extremely small club of people who have been married to gay people and have suffered for it.  As if that wasn't inclusive enough, you now enter an even smaller set of this group of people who have spouses that seem to waiver on what they want and as a result, continue to bring you torment. 

Don't blame yourself for your emotions and confusion.  You are not weak, or a fool. You should not feel humiliated.   You fell in love with a woman.  That woman changed and you feel out of love with the new version of her.  You suffered more emotional pain than any person should have to go through.. more emotional confusion and torture than we were designed to deal with.  Now you find that perhaps the original woman that you fell in love with is coming back... maybe?  I'm sure you still have a deep and vast love for that woman (the original one).  So it's very natural to want to renew that love, to feel it again, to give it another chance.  

I get it completely.  I've even considered and imagined how I would feel if my soon to be ex someday came back. 

I think I would want very much to have her back.  To have back the woman I thought I knew.  The one I married.  I did love her very much and that hasn't changed.  I don't love what she has turned into, but what if she came back and was the old her again???   How would I deal with that?

The answer I keep coming back to is that I probably wouldn't or couldn't take her back even if she seemed to be exactly how she was when I married her.   I have learned that trust and commitment are vital to be in a relationship.  Those two important aspects have been severely violated and I don't think I can ever have those with her again.  I worry that I'll never be able to love completely with full trust with anyone.. but I know that I won't be able to trust her again.   So for that reason I know that I can't ever accept her back in life.   That is hard. 

I think that is where you are right now.  It's so tempting to renew that love with the woman you knew when you married her.  But you know in your heart that you can't go back to that.  You've waffled a little and you've been entertaining the idea and that is very normal.  I think all of us would do that.  But you've come to the conclusion that you can't do it.. and now you are frustrated with yourself for even entertaining the idea. 

Find peace Lorax.  You haven't done anything wrong.  You've dealt with a situation that so few people have ever been through.  You've handled things normally.  You should not feel humiliated.  You've made the right decisions.   Find closure and find peace.  You will be ok!

 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

October 20, 2016 11:56 am  #7


Re: Trying to vent, looking for people to help understand

Yes, the soon to be ex is playing you and manipulating your new relationship. You showed her respect and communication about your new gf even though she doesn't deserve respect. That's because you are a nice person and still in disbelief about the magnitude of this.

Try to foresee what she will do to you and with info you give her. Think about what an opportunist could do with the info and only tell her what is legally necessary for her to know. If your kids are with you and your gf, then that qualifies, in my opinion, as her right to know. If the two of you are alone without your kids, then it's none of her business to know with whom you spend time except maybe your whereabouts if you leave the area.

Break ties as much as possible. Focus on your new gf and give her the attention she deserves. Focus on showing her respect, including protecting your relationship with privacy from your ex. Our new loves should tolerate some discussion of our former lives, but it can get old really quick! Keep it in as low doses and as infrequent as possible. Always give that topic a break! There are much better things on which to establish a relationship!

 

October 20, 2016 12:08 pm  #8


Re: Trying to vent, looking for people to help understand

I don't think it's that uncommon.  Tho we all seem to start from a place of feeling isolated and alone.

It's not uncommon to find yourself married to someone who is hiding their same sex attraction.  It's extremely not uncommon for the lesbian wife to run the straight husband around the paddock like he's got a ring in his nose.

It's par for the course, the jealous take back when the straight husband finds a new woman - par for the course.  The broken heart for the new woman - sauce on her plate.

The inability of the straight husband to disconnect from lesbian wife - again par for the course.  Just like their inability to accept that their lesbian wife has never ever not even once actually really been attracted to their man bits.  No, not once.  That falls to the lot of the poor straight woman who has just been shoved to the kerb again in his eagerness to return to his wife's side.

It is good that the opening poster has found this forum.  It is good that he can take a look at his feelings and see the story of how callous his ex has routinely been to him.  He gets a lot of sympathy from me but I am glad Billie spoke up for his girlfriend.  It hurts a lot to fall for a straight spouse and watch him race back to his closet wife the moment she crooks her finger.  and I think it can only help the OP in his life now to take that on board.

wishing him all the best in his new life.

 

October 20, 2016 1:33 pm  #9


Re: Trying to vent, looking for people to help understand

Thanks everyone, you have no idea what a relief it is to finally make sense of her and hear from people who get it. It's true that she knows exactly how to push my buttons. I went to see a therapist the first time she did this. The psychiatrist suspected narcissism as well, taught me about this personality-type and how they affect you.

When GF and I had to breakup, it wasn't quite because I thought I was going to re-unite. I was more shaken that all of a sudden I was hearing all the things I had been waiting to hear for years and it shocked me. GF saw how it affected me, she was stressed and it caused arguments I couldn't handle at the moment. After seeing the psych, GF and I discussed how the ex needs to be in a compartment of my life that begins and ends with co-parent. It took time to work it out, she really is the best.

When I got the text, the first thing I did was tell her about it. I told her it was stressing me, we talked about it and we moved on and had a great weekend together.

You're also correct that a part of me listens to her and wants to believe it was all a lie and a mistake and we can work it all out. But the rest of me remembers how miserable I was at the end so that isn't going to happen.

It's so weird that she waited all these years to tell me. Even weirder she still lies about the full details, denies she has a same-sex attraction though she explicitly told me she's dating a lesbian. Why she doesn't just want to go live her own life I can't understand.

     Thread Starter
 

October 20, 2016 1:44 pm  #10


Re: Trying to vent, looking for people to help understand

Hi Billie,

Didn't see your second post until after I responded. You are correct, she needs to be kept away. I would do "no contact" if I could but we have kids. She sent the text message after meeting our eldest (her daughter, my step daughter) who probably mentioned her being in town. The exercise to put her in that place isn't easy.

     Thread Starter
 

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