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October 14, 2016 8:51 am  #1


Always a straight wife?

A straight spouse, as you know, refers most to someone who was married to someone with same sex attraction, most often, unknowingly. It's a term of commonality between all of us spouses who can commiserate together and support each other over just how painful a MOM (mixed orientation marriage) can be.

I'm remarried! This time it's to a straight! What a difference! It makes the lies and excuses from my X  be even more obvious -louder and clearer. He was the one with the sexuality issue, but he would blame it on me. Of course when you can't have influence on someone else, you work on changing yourself, even to cope with dysfunction.

Straight is great! It really rates! One caveat to women:  Make sure you marry mostly for love - that he adores you! Then when he can't keep his hands off of you, it all works together - friendship and being lovers. I'm straight and married a straight. I can definitely put TGT behind me in so many ways! Still, I think I will always be a "straight wife". You straights were a part of my healing, including giving me the confidence to take baby steps in life towards moving forwards!

Having a straight is great, but I will always relate to being a straight spouse. I don't think I will ever complain about my husband almost always being focused upon sex or about him making me feel more beautiful than ever! That includes him making me feel much sexier now (decades older) than I was when first newly married to a GIDH. The intense suffering I have accepted and pretty much put behind me, but even still, I think I will always be a straight spouse, even as a former straight spouse married to a GIDXH. No one wants this life's lesson. Yet, there is still life afterwards whether or not that path leads to another relationship or not! There is life to enjoy without needing someone who thought that being best friends and deceiving someone were compatible; no, they're mutually exclusive and I understand that practically all the  more!

Take care, y'all!

 

October 14, 2016 10:37 am  #2


Re: Always a straight wife?

Reading this was like walking in the desert and being handed some water.
Thanks so much !

 

October 14, 2016 1:28 pm  #3


Re: Always a straight wife?

Thanks Jenn,   it's nice to hear..so jealous.  Need to hear it.    I believe you so much when you say its different..    your self worth and self esteem must be through the roof..  I look back now and realize I was always trying to fix something about myself..when all this time it my ex.  She had a way of making everything my fault be it in the bedroom or in daily life.   I look back and see not specifically gayness
but narcissism..ie... you have to initiate sex with me .... you have to listen to me.

Thanks again for giving us hope.
 


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

October 14, 2016 9:15 pm  #4


Re: Always a straight wife?

Ah!! "The difference'.... always an interesting conversation.

There's a lot to love about women... ALL women... but in this case we are talking about straight women. Women attracted to men.

If a woman is attracted to a man it's in her eyes, in her smile, in her voice and in her touch. It's in her actions and her re-actions. We all know what love should be.  We all now how it is supposed to feel. Having a spouse who 'likes' you or who might even 'love' you but is NOT attracted to you is just ... less.  It's not necessarily horrible... but  it's less... and most of us straight spouses end up settling for less.

Emotional stuff aside... and dealing purely with the physical I'll say this - I love lady bits.  I love how a woman looks... I love how a woman feels. In a relationship that kind of attraction should be a two way street.  'The difference' for me was finding a woman who loved my man bits as much as I loved her woman bits. I knew when she looked at me or touched me she was seeing and feeling something she appreciated, something that turned her on and gave her pleasure.

I don't have to 'impose' myself on her.  I don't have to beg to have sex. I'm no longer made to feel like she's going through the motions of sex just to 'meet my needs' or get me off her back. She wants me as much as I want her. Believe me... after 20 years of being with a closeted lesbian THAT is a revelation. 


You have a future. A good one. It begins as a flicker of hope. Nurture it until it becomes a dream and when you are strong enough you will make it a reality. NEVER give up. 
 

October 15, 2016 10:04 pm  #5


Re: Always a straight wife?

Billie and Steve, yes, it is so wonderful, isn't it? Attraction, love, and friendship is what really makes a relationship deeply meaningful - being there for one another and loving the sex that person is and the person loving the sex you are! Yes, I know the sense of no longer being resented because I'm a female with normal sex drives. My husband loves that I desire sex and does not get angry about it!

Even though the X goes around playing the victim, saying that he lost his closest friend, he even gives himself away with his words! Never once did he say to me that he missed me as his lover neither does he lament to others that he lost his lover! You know why? Because In his mind, he didn't lose his lover, but he lost a close friend. Besides being done with all the lies, I was done with what he used me for - a platonic roommate to have while he kept his sexual interests elsewhere.

Hang in there newbies. It does get better - way better!

     Thread Starter
 

October 16, 2016 8:24 am  #6


Re: Always a straight wife?

 I'm 19 months post-reveal, and have been figuring out whether we have a future.  As the wife of a closeted trans autogynephile (a man who is sexually excited by the idea of himself as a woman, and who wishes he could become one), I reacted so strongly, Steve and Jenn, to what you said.
Steve, what you said about the difference you felt when you found a "woman who loved my man bits as much as I love her woman bits" strikes at the heart of things.  In my case, however, my husband loves my "lady bits" but hates his own "man bits."  Our sex, no matter in what other ways satisfying, always leaves me sad, because I want to make love with a man who is happy in his own maleness--so I can be, too.  I, like Jenn, want to  "lov[e] the sex that person is," but his biological sex is at odds with his sexuality (a man who pretends he's a woman making love with a woman).
  
 

 

October 17, 2016 1:04 am  #7


Re: Always a straight wife?

Jenn et al,
Thank you so much for this. It gives me hope....I so love that members on this forum get to the heart of it all, are truly open & not afraid to discuss the rawness of sexuality (or lack of). Secretly, we all want encouragement & validation about the desire components of our partnerships. Especially those of us who are in the beginning stages of a reveal where we have questioned for sometimes decades if this is all there really is in the intimacy dept out there & maybe we're just delusional in thinking long term couples have sex more than once every 3-5 years. It also is encouraging to question theidea that we are not in fact entirely unattractive. "So sorry asshole, it's you, not me!" lol!   So thanks for the truth.

Sham

 

October 17, 2016 10:33 pm  #8


Re: Always a straight wife?

Thanks Jenn, I am 38 and hopeful... putting my fear out for good.  I can't wait to feel that feeling of friendship with my future lover.  The mind games are over!  Thanks for sharing your story.  I'm ENCOURAGED!

 

October 18, 2016 1:02 pm  #9


Re: Always a straight wife?

Just to encourage you more, i'm pretty sure that I'm older than most of you. Also, I get stared at now with desire instead of  having to deal with someone  who avoided looking at me. The X would barely look me in the eyes never mind stare at my private female parts! What a difference! it's awesome!

     Thread Starter
 

October 18, 2016 2:34 pm  #10


Re: Always a straight wife?

Not to be too graphic..  but I learned that in order for me to ever get anything, I had get very good at pleasing her first.  If I did well enough to satisfy her, she would give me a couple minutes of her time for me to satisfy myself or occasionally have intercourse with her.  In those occasions it was typically accompanied by the "are you done yet" look in her eyes and the way she would sigh with.. well.. not exactly pleasure. 

There were a few occasions when I knew she was honestly desiring me.. and those few (like 4 or 5 times in 16 years of marriage) are burned into my brain as moments of sheer joy.  I wonder what it would be like to experience that on a weekly basis. 

I'm not so young and not so healthy anymore either.  I'm angry that I've missed out on my best years.  But I guess I have some good years left and I hope that I will fully appreciate what joy might be coming in the future because I've experiences so much disappointment in that area. 

Last edited by lostdad (October 18, 2016 2:35 pm)


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

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