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Sat Oct 8 4:44 pm  #1

I think he is in the closet

I met my exboyfriend through a mutual friend. He had lived in Europe for 20 years and was 49 at the time. I was 45. He moved to the States seven months before I met him. He had been in a relationship for 12 years and had twins who were 11 at the time. He told me that he had separated about a year before he moved and that he had been married once before for about a year when he was very young. I had been divorced for 8 years and had a very brief relationship about 4 years before I met him.
I was a little bit reluctant to meet someone, but my friend insisted. So, after three months, I gave it a go. He texted me and then we talked on the phone for a month. He invited me to have dinner. When we finally met, the conversation flowed so we decided to see each other again. This went on for another month. He never pressured me for sex. Before we had sex, safe sex, I asked him to get tested for HIV and I got tested too. Negative. The first time we were together, I noticed that there was no foreplay whatsoever. I believed that maybe he was as nervous as I was.  At the beginning, we saw each other about twice a week and met for sex on Fridays. After a while, we were having unprotected sex. One day, I noticed that this guy never ejaculated. When I brought it up, he became somewhat defensive. I asked him if that was not something that he would considered that he should share with potential partners. His answer was that this was not an issue for him as he had always been like that and enjoyed sex very much. As weeks went by, I noticed that he did not engage in oral sex: give or receive. As a matter of fact, I tried once and he pushed me away and told me that he did not feel like receiving it. He also would get erect but many times not a full on erection and sometimes would lose the erection.
I was getting very confused. Here was a guy who was very sweet, treated me nicely, and said that he loved me, but could not perform like the men I had been with before. I always made sure that I was very clean and wore nice lingerie. About five months after I met him, he went for a checkup and blood test for work. Well, came back positive for syphilis. I freaked out. I did not know what to do. Went to my doctor and was referred to the County Health Department. He said that he suspected that he got it from his cheating ex-wife because they were on and off, but there was always the possibility that it was me. I told him that in eight years, I had just one brief relationship and practiced safe sex but because syphilis is transmitted by skin to skin contact, it might be possible even though I never had any symptoms. He said that he had never experienced any symptoms either.
The next morning, we went to the Health Department. After getting tested, I came back negative and his numbers came back really high. We were seen separately because of confidentially. He said that they explained that his numbers meant that he had had it for over a year. They explained to me that I most likely did not get it because by then it was in the latent stage. However, I still got two penicillin shots as preventive measure. He received a total of six, three weeks apart.
I decided to stick with him because he was a nice guy and this could have happened to anyone, but I was shaken. They day we took the test, he told me that during the interview they asked him twice if he had sex with men. He said, “my answer was of course, no”. “Why would she ask me that?” I went home in pain, emotionally because of the embarrassment and physically because of the two shots, one in each buttock with a very long and thick needle, and hit the internet to research about syphilis. The first thing that came up was the statistics. Seventy five percent of men diagnosed with syphilis are men who engage in sex with men. This added to the fact that my boyfriend had some feminism in his mannerism: exaggerated movements with his hands, swaying of the hips, crossing legs like a female, putting legs on couch to watch tv, made me start to suspect that he was in the closet. He refused to tell his ex-wife about the syphilis. I replied that it was the humane thing to do because syphilis can kill over time. Why would he refuse to tell his ex? If she gave it to him, he then could unmask her and if not, he could always tell her that he had another relationship after they were no longer together. He still refused which I found very strange.
He had told me that in the last year of his marriage he had gotten into physical fitness, exercised several hours a day, and went for long walks. He said that he lost a bunch of weight and felt good. I now think that during that time, he had a mid-life crisis and was hooking up with guys and that’s how he ended up with syphilis.
Anyways, he started pressuring me to move in with me. So he did. I always had to initiate sex. I asked why and he replied that that’s how it was in his marriage and that sometimes they would go for two or three months without sex until his ex initiated. Sometimes, he rejected me or started an argument to avoid sex. I had surgery and could not have sex for six weeks and during that time he never even told me to touch him. He came home some days late. He made a habit of leaving early in the morning and hang out at Publix until his ride to work picked him up. Recently, I showed up and called him and he said that he was in the bathroom because he had a stomachache. Now I think that maybe he was getting a quickie. One day, he was showing me some pictures, and among the pictures, there was one that shows him with a pink flowy shirt, one hand on the waist and the high brow expression on his face. He looks so gay on that picture for someone who controls his environment to the point that I noticed that he puts extra effort in the clothes he wears, no colors at all, everything is dark: black, blue, grey. Even his towel was gray.
He was always on his cell phone and I saw three times that he had been watching lesbian porn. After that he always made sure to clean his tracks. His phone was extremely clean (suspicious). He eventually stopped having sex with me for three weeks. When I confronted him, he said that he did not feel like having sex, with me or with anyone. As long as I know, he was not masturbating because he would take a shower in 5 minutes. I decided to break it up. Gay or not, the fact was that he did not feel like having sex with me was a deal breaker. However, I’m almost sure that he is in the closet. When we had sex, I always felt like something was missing, there was no emotional intimacy and it felt more like he was doing me a favor. I told him what I thought, he denied it but not vehemently. I recently discovered that he had been receiving marketing emails from online pharmacies that sell Viagra.

Last edited by adel1827 (Tue Oct 18 7:43 pm)


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