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September 29, 2016 8:10 pm  #1


Detaching with children involved

Deleted

Last edited by jkpeace (April 13, 2017 8:15 pm)

 

September 29, 2016 9:34 pm  #2


Re: Detaching with children involved

I think it is healthy for you to detach and get through the divorce. You have to re-establish YOU.  At some point in the future you can be friends ?  I found that until I fetched I did not have good sense of where I was. Trying to stay friends was like trying to resurrect a dead body.

 

September 30, 2016 6:28 am  #3


Re: Detaching with children involved

Spent a year and half in silence except for the rage with my ex while we were divorcing. The home with the kids was a toxic pit ..you could cut the silence between me the ex with a razor..the detachment was like living with a ghost. 
We're  living seperate now and it's a much better atmosphere for the kids in each home.
Friends... no...my lezex is still  harboring profound hatred of me and can slip into a rage at a single word.. we are no contact.  Any thoughts I had of her being friendly for the kids sake were a naive fantasy.  But then again her whole destruction of the family never had the kids in mind..
No contact is best for both of us...but not the kids so much.

Last edited by Rob (September 30, 2016 6:30 am)


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

September 30, 2016 7:56 am  #4


Re: Detaching with children involved

jk..  it sounds to me like you need to start setting some boundaries with him.  Time to let him know that if he's going to be living in the home without contributing financially, then it's not OK for him to be spending money on "fun".  Let him know that his social life takes a back seat to family responsibility while he is in the same house as his kids.  This isn't negotiable.  He can start acting like an adult or he can find a new place to stay. 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

September 30, 2016 11:08 am  #5


Re: Detaching with children involved

I went through something similar as my ex lived in the house for years after I asked for a divorce.  He was in culinary school at the time, and his mom lived with us - as did a friend of his family.  It was a clusterf*ck, to say the least.  My ex had no relatives in the state except for his mom, and she needed to stay put for a while because she was suffering through cancer with radiation/chemo.  I knew that if he left when he wasn't financially able to, he'd likely bounce back into the house - something I thought would be really emotionally dangerous for the kids.  I asked for a divorce in Jan.  He freaked and wanted counseling, which we went to for a bit, and then he went to alone for a long time.  By Aug., he'd thrown in the towel.  It took another entire YEAR for him to finish school, start a new job, and get out.  Even then it looked like it was never going to happen.  Since his mom and I had been supporting the household ourselves (she on her pension and disability), I told ex to keep all his earnings and save for a security deposit for his own place, a vehicle (we shared on family vehicle at that point, as well as his mom having her own), and furnishings.  He did NONE of that.  He literally spent all his money on whatever he wanted - going out, new clothes (which of course a chef doesn't even need - they have a uniform!), etc.  He kept spending it on ME, too; would buy me outfits - complete with shoes, handbags and jewelery, and bought me an iPhone when I was used to and satisfied with a little old flip phone.  He'd give me these things in front of the kids and his mother - so I couldn't even just be mean and not open the present, or tell him thanks, but no thanks.  Every time he'd do this, I'd get angry; he was showing no signs of moving out, and I was getting presents?  All I wanted was for him to GO!

Meanwhile, he was dating.  (I was, too).  Except when I'd go out, I'd wait until after my youngest was in bed, and I'd have made arrangements with MIL to watch the house/kids.  She was there all the time anyway, but I still wanted to be respectful).  Ex, on the other hand, would just..... leave.  He didn't ask if I had plans, or ask his mom to watch the kids.  He'd just not come home from school/work, stay in the city the entire weekend (we live in suburban Chicago), and never communicate with any of us.  We assumed he was out having fun, but in reality, we had no idea if a member of the household was dead in a dark alley somewhere.  It was nerve-wracking, and the kids were constantly asking where Dad was, and I..... didn't know.  THEY didn't know we were divorcing yet, so how do I explain such strange behavior to them?  I talked to ex about this several times - told him the kids were confused, and it was rude and disrespectful to us all to act like this.  He could do whatever he wanted - if he'd just.... LEAVE!!!  He'd say he'd be better, but then do nothing differently.

Until he moved, I had to change my mindset.  I decided that all the time he was gone was a good thing - it prevented the uneasiness that hung in the room when the two of us were both there, and it got the kids used to him being gone.  But it got ridiculous before he finally moved.  There was an incident where he was gone overnight and it was like, 11:00 on a Sunday morning.  I knew it was his first "date" with a man he'd been interested in a for a while.  He was always giving me too much info on these romances, but since I was "over" him, I figured it didn't hurt.  Anyway, his mom was fairly handicapped, and that morning, she slipped and fell on her way into the bathroom.  Her bladder had given out on the way into the bathroom, and the urine made her feet slip and fly out from under her, and she slammed her feet into the bottom of the toilet.  She had no feeling in her feet anyway due to a childhood birth defect and subsequent surgeries, so she wasn't in pain really, but she'd broken two toes and ripped the skin between a few of them, so when I got into the bathroom she was lying in a puddle of urine and blood.  She was not able to get up once she fell - she has non-bendable ankles.  And she was about 285 lbs. (same as me).  I wasn't going to be able to get her up.  I woke the sleeping friend of the family after much rousing (he was on sleeping meds), and he got her up and back to bed.  Then came the task of calming her down, removing her clothing, giving her a sponge bath due to the urine, and putting some fresh clothing on her, then cleaning up the bathroom.  Thank God she couldn't feel her feet, because 4 of her toes were at right angles to her foot - clearly broken all to hell.  I needed to get her to the hospital.  Meanwhile, I had kids that were too young to leave alone.  I kept calling and calling the ex, and leaving messages for him.  No response.  Finally about an hour and a half after all the mayhem, he comes home.  I fill him in and tell him that he needs to take her to the E.R.  He says okay, goes to see her, and then comes out and tells me that he needs to see me outside.  Where he starts telling me about his date.  WTF???  I said, "Stop - you need to take care of your mom."  He said it's okay - he told her he'd take her to the hospital in a half-hour - that he needed to talk to me.  Ummmm, okay.  So he then proceeds to tell me all about this guy, and the great weekend they had boating, etc.  And it is revealed that he had sex with the guy for the first time.  This is the first gay sex that I know of.  And he is OVER.THE.MOON excited and happy - he's talking all about how wonderful this guy is.  And although I'd been "over" my ex for a long time, I suddenly realized that I had NEVER seen him this happy before - EVER.  All those times in our marriage that I thought he was happy, it was a sham.  My entire marriage - the happy years - was a fucking LIE.  I was heartbroken.  I still cannot look at a photo of him/us from those years and see anything except a liar.

Let your husband out and about as much as possible - it's a way to get used to him being gone.  HOWEVER, he should not be spending money that your family cannot afford.  Buying expensive tickets like this was irresponsible even if the money WERE there - because your money is still together.  I recommend opening your own bank account and giving him something every month for his own.  Your children cannot afford for you to trust that he won't do this again.

Good luck -

Kel
 


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

October 1, 2016 12:24 am  #6


Re: Detaching with children involved

Let's define why we would ever be friends with anyone that lies and is this inconsiderate to all of us. What they did in our lives was catastrophic. There is no redirecting this into some sort of friendship.

Friends don't lie to each other. None of these spouses or partners respected us enough to be truthful. There is a level of respect among friends that prohibit anything that would hurt one another. Let's be clear here. These are people that lack integrity and therefore you cannot trust them to do right by you. It's called get away as far as you can and if children are involved, negotiate the terms and make sure they don't include any further damage to you. I think all of us have given enough to them.

 

October 8, 2016 6:28 am  #7


Re: Detaching with children involved

Agree that you sould not care if he goes out. I know it might make you feel disrespected. I had a similar experience where my ex went on a date with her girlfriend, and asked me to drive her there. Me and the kids actually! And I were so much in shock at the time that I agreed just to avoid more confrontations. Might have been that situation that made me decide to get divorced as soon as possible, because I remember clearly how stamped upon that made me feel!
Spending money is a different matter, get a new account so your ex don't have access!

 

October 8, 2016 10:11 am  #8


Re: Detaching with children involved

Jkpeace,
It's been almost five years since that day. My ex is thankfully over the adolescent phase. That was bad for a while! Mostly our cooperation around the kids works fine, except when she is unemployed and have to much time inventing problems.
I'm in a new relationship now, and have one more child. The difference could not be greater. My new girlfriend can even say sorry and mean it when she happens to hurt my feelings (which of course happens sometimes), something my ex could never bring herself to do, even at the beginning of that relationship. Only major problem is that I soon will have to tell my ex that I'm going to stop paying her the child support she is not entitled to anyway (we share the expenses). I have been putting that of for a long time!

 

October 8, 2016 11:01 am  #9


Re: Detaching with children involved

Semms that was a good post I wrote, so repeated a few times just to be sure nobody accidentally skips it... 😂
Admin, could you delete a few please?

Done. NP

Last edited by Sam (Admin) (October 8, 2016 7:18 pm)

 

October 9, 2016 5:33 am  #10


Re: Detaching with children involved

Jack...glad to hear a positive 5 year out story.  I just got out of the closet..I feel beat up, abused, and scared.

"..My new girlfriend can even say sorry and mean it when she happens to hurt my feelings (which of course happens sometimes), something my ex could never bring herself to do, even at the beginning of that relationship.."

Now I will beat myself up..I'm thinking back and I can only remember a single time I got a semi-sorry.  How could I have allowed that to happen..how forgiving and what low self worth I had..
Even in the end...when she brought a bunch of presents for her lover and the lover's  family and I mentioned how I didn't get anything..  I was 1000 percent right and she knew it..but that just infuriated her.  No remorse..that's when I realized I could not reason with her..she was devoid of compassion.  Very scary....scariest of all is I will not get one now...rather she is still  calling me horrible and saying I am the cause of the divorce...even though she filed and she cheated...

My dream would be to find a kind woman capable of compassion and empathy. Someone with morals and authentic love.   Im middle aged and alone now but so glad to be away from my abuser.

Last edited by Rob (October 9, 2016 5:40 am)


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

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