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Tue Sep 27 11:05 am  #1


Hi everyone,

I've been thinking today about how the gay thing can make our lives feel like our foundation is crumbling, which is why it's so disorienting when we begin to experience it.

Our foundation in our childhood is our family.  However our family is structured (two parents, single parent) is our base.  The love and assurance we went out into the world with grew from that place.  Which is why we instinctively recoil from going through divorce for our children's sake.  We know that it's shaking their foundation.  But their foundation will re-establish.  It's not easy or fast, but it does happen.  The other part of their foundation is the individuals involved in that base.  THAT mom, THAT dad, those relatives.  Which is why even children who are taken from abusive homes don't want to leave them - they're used to that particular base.  It's what they know.  It would be best for all kids if they had the same healthy base all along, but it's not necessary.  Even taking a child from an abusive home and giving them to a healthy one will cause trauma.  But that doesn't mean it wasn't necessary or best.  The outcome is still better than what would have happened had they been left in the abusive home permanently.

We always have a base.  When we are adults, part of our base is still what we came from in childhood.  But it moves to other things too, without us realizing it.  Part of our base in adulthood is who WE are - what we're capable of - and the individuals we choose to let into our lives and become our family and support system.  Part of it is where you live - what house, what country, what societal norms.  Another part is what you do for a living.  That's why it is so distressing to be let go from a job - you are not only worried about making ends meet, but you feel unsteady because you were a (insert career here), and now you're not.  And you were a person who knew they could support their family, but now you worry that you're not.  We could focus on that forever if we weren't literally afraid of going hungry.  And so we strike out to still be the person who can support our family - even if it's in a different career, or a different city.  We figure out that our base is US, not that one particular job or career.

Part of our base is understanding ourselves.  We are THIS person: this old, this tall, this color eyes/hair, this sexuality, this kind of skin, these physical and mental capabilities.  This is part of why it's so difficult for our gay-in-denial spouse to come to terms with their own sexuality.  Because it threatens their base.  And it's of course why it's so traumatic for us to deal with them coming out (if they do); because part of our base was that we are this person, in love with that person, with whom we built this family and live in this home.  TGT is so traumatic because it doesn't just remove one pillar of the foundation, but several simultaneously.  It's not just that the foundation of your spouse's sexuality is unlike what you thought it was.  It's that this new truth means that you will likely suffer the destruction of other pillars as well.  It threatens the marriage, which then threatens our family.  And unlike so many other trials in life, it literally threatens our past.  I can't think of another situation in which you can look at old pictures and wonder "did he know then?".  It takes away something from us that is almost NEVER taken away - the clarity we have on our own past.  Even if we had happier days in the past, now even that is blown out of the water with the discovery of inauthenticity.  So our future and our past blow up at the same time.  Unfathomable.

Our base changes throughout our life, even if we don't perceive that as it's happening.  It's why we feel so utterly lost when a parent or sibling dies.  We feel like our very foundation is crumbling.  It's only when we come to see that our base isn't only supported by our original family that we can move on to only have the grief be where the pain comes from.  We may miss our parent or sibling desperately, and even their support.  But we eventually realize that our foundation is also built up in other areas - the life we've created, the family we've made, the support we have.  When the crumbling is happening within our current situation, it's much more affecting than the one from our past crumbling.  It threatens our everyday living situation - not just the support of that person, but often, the very home we live in and the schools our children attend and the way of life we've become accustomed to.  It's overwhelming.  But.....

When you find out that your foundation is actually YOU, it becomes easier.  Yes, the things that surround us are our lives.  But they are not our foundation.  WE are our foundation.  We are a created being, and we have been given certain capabilities and talents when we were birthed into this world.  Then we learned through experience and knowledge, and our personalities were formed.  And you take that with you - ALWAYS - no matter who is in your life.  You have strength and resilience.  You have intelligence and the will to survive - and be happy.  You keep this no matter who you're with, what situation you're in, or what trials you come through.  YOU are your foundation.  I can fly you from California to London, and despite the fact that you're not in your old home or even country, you are still you.  I can give you a crappy president, and you're  I can put you in destitute situations, and  YOU are your very own foundation.

God is the rock under your foundation.  He never changes.  And now we know what a gift that is - that He's always there, always available, always loving, always caring, always wants the very best for you.  God know that you need a rock upon which to build our foundation, and so He gives us that - the ability to know that no matter where we choose to set our foundation - no matter how many times we move it - no matter where we move it to, we can choose to build it again and again - on the rock that we are sure is always there.  He is that way because it's His nature - but also because He knows how He created us, and that we absolutely cannot have the assurance in our foundation-building abilities without trusting the ground under us.

No matter how many times a home is blown over or away in a storm, if the foundation survives, it can be rebuilt.  The house cannot even be started without its foundation.  You can rebuild upon it time and time again, and the house can be different every time.  It can be simpler one time, or even more magnificent than the previous one.  Your outlook is the magnificent view seen from that place.  You've got what it takes.  Trust in your foundation.  It is strong.  You can do this.


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.

Tue Sep 27 9:04 pm  #2

Re: Foundations

[img][/img]  Hi Kel,
You write so well!  You are correct about are foundations and there is so much to reflect on in your post. I enjoyed reading it.


Tue Sep 27 10:53 pm  #3

Re: Foundations

Yeah kel I would look around our house as she was cheating looking at all our things and the rooms thinking it's's all gone.

A home is made up of the people that are in it. The stuff , the house mean nothing.  This I learned as my marriage crumbled..unilaterally destroyed by my gay spouse.
I will never build my foundation  on a marriage again..on another person...only God.

"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7

Thu Oct 5 10:29 am  #4

Re: Foundations

Great post that deserves a bump for new members to see. 

-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 


Fri Oct 6 11:54 am  #5

Re: Foundations

Eloquent as usual.  All this is so true.  I will file it away for the difficult times.  Thank you.


Fri Oct 6 1:14 pm  #6

Re: Foundations

I loved reading it. You are always to the point, but very inspiring.


Sat Oct 7 6:44 pm  #7

Re: Foundations

Beautiful post once again Kel! It makes you really stop and think about life and love/happiness. It's a keeper for me! thank you


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