OurPath Open Forum

This Open Forum is funded and administered by OurPath, Inc., (formerly the Straight Spouse Network). OurPath is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to Straight Partners and Partners of Trans People who have discovered that their partner is LGBT+. Your contribution, no matter how small, helps us provide our community with this space for discussion and connection.


BE A DONOR >>>


You are not logged in. Would you like to login or register?



September 25, 2016 12:19 pm  #1


Cross dressing "transgender" husband

Dear All,
   I've officially registered, after finding this network about two weeks ago, and posting a few replies in which I gave some of the details.  Eighteen months ago my husband of 34 years revealed out of the blue that for over a year he had been exploring whether he might be transgendered.  He told me he'd been fishing my discarded bras and panties out of the trash and trying them on, visiting trans and cross dressing websites, watching trans tv (Transparent) or shows with lesbians (Orange is the New Black), and reading lesbian romance novels.   He had decided he wanted to "transition."  He wanted to use me to talk over his desires and his plans, but after a particularly painful revelation about his sexual fantasies (what he wanted me to do to him), I told him I didn't want to hear any more and he needed to go to a therapist.  He did, a FtoM trans person, but only for a couple of visits, as the therapist was relocating out of state. We were starting to make the arrangements to split; I was starting to see a life on my own as something I could do (I have savings of my own and a good job, our son is in his mid-20s and out of the house) when one day I walked in the bedroom where my husband lay on the bed, clutching a pillow and crying over how afraid he was over the future, how hard it would be to be a transwoman given that he would never pass and knew that he would put himself in danger at work of losing the respect of those he worked with (or becoming an object of derision, curiosity, or worse).  He asked me to hold him, and I did.  
  I can see now that this was a huge mistake on my part.  I had been feeling shut out, traumatized, reeling as if someone had hit me over the head, and I responded to being wanted, valued, needed.  
  That act of comfort was followed by several more, and then sex.  
  After that, exploration, in and out of bed, which I not only allowed but aided and abetted, and even enjoyed.  
 Over time, however, I came back to my senses, and began to read and to analyze, and to realize that although I was heterosexual, he was seeing himself while we were having sex as a woman making love to a woman.  I discovered that the dominant trans narrative of "a woman in a man's body" is not the only one, and read about autogynephilia, a description both he and I decided fits him.  He is sexually excited by the thought of himself as a woman, and by dressing in women's clothes and acting in ways that are available only to women--that is, in feminine clothes and in feminine ways.  He decided he could satisfy his need by acting as a woman at home and a man in public, and that meant I've been in his closet for a year and a half, unable to talk to anyone.  I know you all know what this is like, how isolating, how miserable, how narrowing to one's perspective.  
   I've been asking myself if we couldn't have a future together, if the CD/TG autogynephilia is an insurmountable hurdle, responding to him saying how much he loves me, what a gift I've given him in allowing him to give outer shape to his inner longings.  Of course there were the first stirrings of my rejection: how his idea of what a woman dresses and acts was a girly caricature, how his saying he needed to shave because women are smooth and hairless made me, a woman with facial hair I remove, feel like I wasn't a woman.  
  Finally this summer when I was away from home for a family event, I had a realization: if I were to tell my mother or my sister about this situation, they would say, without hesitation, "Get out.  What are you waiting for."  It was a perspective outside of the insularity at home, and it was freeing.  Then I found this forum, and I began reading the posts, and seeing in them, whether about homosexual spouses or those who crossdress or proclaim they are transgender, parallels and lessons to heed.
   I want to thank you all tremendously for being here, for being honest, and for seeing clearly.  
   I am here writing because I believe registering and writing a bit of my story constitutes my first step to toward getting out of my marriage, and I need to make that step.

 

September 25, 2016 1:18 pm  #2


Re: Cross dressing "transgender" husband

Welcome to the club that nobody wants to be part of.   But it is indeed one of the most valuable support groups you could ever have.  

You will find great therapy in writing your story and communicating with people here who know what you are going through.  In our daily lives and small circle of friends and family it seems impossible that anyone could relate to what you are going through.  But here, there are people who have walked in your shoes and understand exactly how it feels. 

Perhaps the hard part for you that is different from many of us is that your confused spouse actually still desires you.  Most of us find that our spouses came out as gay and therefor didn't want us.  But your spouse seems to want to be a woman with a woman and at least still wants you to be that woman.  Still, the truth remains that he has lied to you and become something that you didn't choose to marry.  You now need to decide what you want for your life.  Do you want to be with a man who wishes he was a lesbian woman?  Or do you want to eventually find a real man who wants to be with you. 

Thank you for taking that step to share your story.  I hope your experience here is both a benefit to you and a benefit to others.  There is another transgender story posted just today in fact.  

 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

September 25, 2016 3:22 pm  #3


Re: Cross dressing "transgender" husband

lostdad, thank you so much.  

I think you are right that part of the difficulty is that my spouse still wants me, as you put it.  And I still value much of my life with him.  But the bottom line is that however much we love one another, and however much our sexualities overlap, they are no longer fully aligned.  I can give him what he wants, but he will not give me what I want.  Every sexual encounter between us must occur within the context of his dressing up as a woman or being treated as one (or what he thinks is one).  Further, I cannot tell how much my husband's desire to remain married is the result of his knowing that he can most fully express his desires in a relationship. But you are right: the bottom line is that I don't want to spend the rest of my life with a man who at home dresses in women's clothes and acts the way he thinks a woman acts, and who wishes he could (or dared) pass as a woman in public. And if I wanted a lesbian lover, I'd find a woman who is a lesbian, not a man who likes to visualize himself as a woman and pretend he is one. 
  For the time being, I'm gathering my mental resources and making plans for concrete action, but playing my cards close to my chest--keeping my own counsel and biding my time.  What I hope is that when things get rough--when my resolve falters or I begin to doubt myself--I can come here for support and clarity.
(I did see the other transgender story, and I posted a comment there.)
 

     Thread Starter
 

September 25, 2016 3:33 pm  #4


Re: Cross dressing "transgender" husband

You can always count on the people here for support and clarity. 

I don't want to push you in the direction of divorce, but if that should be the path you choose, please use this time to study and prepare.  It would be wise to learn about the laws in your state and perhaps interview a few attorneys so that if you make that decision you will be educated and ready.  Even if you are the one who choses divorce, it is still very stressful.  Having a plan of action and knowledge of the process in advance will help you so much.  

Again, sorry you are in this situation.  We will always be here to give you support and well-wishes and e-hugs and advice. 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

Board footera

 

Powered by Boardhost. Create a Free Forum