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September 22, 2016 8:43 am  #1


Collectively building a "first aid kit" for the unfortunate newbies

Hey group, 

I've been on this site long enough now to see that there is a definite pattern and similarity to the experiences we all go through.  Sure we all have unique aspects to our stories, but you all have to admit that most of us have eerily similar issues with our spouses and TGT and how it has impacted and destroyed our marriages.  I see that we often repeat the same advice over and over to new members.  

As i've seen this happen, I've been thinking about a way to help the newest members to our ranks.  Clearly this will keep happening and likely with increasing frequency.  When new people find themselves in this situation I think they are thirsting for help and the quicker they can find ideas and information, the better it will be for them. 

So my idea is to create a "sticky thread" that we can call the "first aid kit for new members".  It's something that we can refer people to frequently.  It's something that people who are too scared to sign up can read and find good info. 

Here is my idea of what should be included:
1.)  Confirmation that they are not alone.  A basic heading that says "you will be ok, you will survive this, we have all been there and we are here to help" .
2.)  A suggestion of a gameplan for how to survive the hardest part - the first couple of months.  This would be the common advice we all give and receive.  for example" gather facts and evidence and collect and express your throughts and fears, stop having sex with them, get checked for std's, get a councilor, gather family and friends for a support group, move away if you can and must, get anti-depressants and sleeping meds, start talking to a lawyer to plan for divorce if necessary, protect the kids, be kind to yourself, find a local SSN chapter, journal, share and connect with us here, etc.. 
3.) Suggestions of what threads to read here (other sticky threads, personal story threads, etc) where they will find that there stories and experiences will be incredibly similar to many of us who are here already. 
4.)  Suggestions (not legal advice per se) of how to get through the separation and divorce stage
5.)  Suggestions of how to heal after divorce and get used to being single
6.)  Suggestions of how to start getting back into normal life, new dates, etc..  for later stages


I'm happy to put in the legwork on creating this, but I don't want it to be just my advice.. It needs to be collectively worked on and shared advice from everyone.  

Does anyone think this would be helpful and worth working on?  Any suggestions for improvement?  

Perhaps it's a bad idea.. maybe the advice to new people is more helpful when it's specifically tailored to them and given in their own thread when they post?

thoughts?
 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

September 22, 2016 9:01 am  #2


Re: Collectively building a "first aid kit" for the unfortunate newbies

There are resources on other sites for infidelity in general.  For example

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/articles.asp

So if you could tailor it to SSA that would be worth it.

 

September 22, 2016 9:03 am  #3


Re: Collectively building a "first aid kit" for the unfortunate newbies

Excellent idea and resource Laurence


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
     Thread Starter
 

September 22, 2016 2:47 pm  #4


Re: Collectively building a "first aid kit" for the unfortunate newbies

While I think a kit could be very valuable, I think it could also scare a lot of people.  When you are in a panic of what to do immediately, it can be overwhelming to see a huge list of what you need to do.  It might be easier to just close the browser and go put your head in the sand rather than be that overwhelmed.  I think part of what's so valuable about a site like this (vs. getting a book) is the revelations as they comb through the different stories and realize how many of them sound similar in some way to their own story.  They aren't fed information as much as they acquire it.

Do you feel that a kit would have helped you in a way that just being here and reading did not?  Did you go out and try to find a book or outside information on what to do and find that lacking, too?

Kel

Last edited by Kel (September 22, 2016 2:48 pm)


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

September 22, 2016 4:59 pm  #5


Re: Collectively building a "first aid kit" for the unfortunate newbies

Kel wrote:

While I think a kit could be very valuable, I think it could also scare a lot of people.  When you are in a panic of what to do immediately, it can be overwhelming to see a huge list of what you need to do.  It might be easier to just close the browser and go put your head in the sand rather than be that overwhelmed.  I think part of what's so valuable about a site like this (vs. getting a book) is the revelations as they comb through the different stories and realize how many of them sound similar in some way to their own story.  They aren't fed information as much as they acquire it.

Do you feel that a kit would have helped you in a way that just being here and reading did not?  Did you go out and try to find a book or outside information on what to do and find that lacking, too?

Kel

I remember finding this site within a couple of days of "D-Day", but not spending much time here and not reading many threads at all.  I hadn't realized the seriousness of my situation.  I spent three more weeks in panic mode, basically useless until I got back here and started putting more thought into it.  

I don't think it needs to be overwhelming by showing a huge list.  I think it can be broken down into stages and let the person identify which stage they are in and read what is appropriate. 

Stage 1 - Panic Mode   (You are realizing the truth about your spouse or they have just told you the truth or you've caught them lying to you)
1.)  You are not alone, we are all here to help each other, please tell your story and ask questions. 
2.)  Take your grief and panic seriously.  It's real and significant and you shouldn't try to bury things and pretend you can soldier on.  Find a Dr. who can prescribe sleep meds and anti-depressants that will help through the emotional toll this will have on you.   
3.)  Find a support group.  Friends, Family, church, therapist, SSN local chapter, SSN forum.  You need someone to talk to, you shouldn't bottle it up.  You don't have to keep there secret.  You should not feel ashamed, you didn't do anything wrong. 
4.)  Protect yourself: If they might be sexually active, stop having sex with them. If you think having their secret come out would make them violent, take precaution to get away. 
5.)  Be kind to yourself - don't beat yourself up for being depressed.  Don't feel pressured to do what you are not comfortable doing. If you need to spend the day on the couch - do it!

Stage 2 - Coming to grips
1.)  Start to consider what this means for your future. 
2.)  Read and talk a lot to decide how to handle this. 
3.)  If divorce is a likely option, start preparing and learning about this. 
4.)  etc...

Stage 3 - Divorce / Separation
1
2
3


Stage 4 - Healing, being alone, moving forward
1
2
3
4



So the person can identify which stage they are in and read the few things that are most usually offered as advice. They will be prompted to tell their own story so that we can help them through it.  We can link a few of the other forum posts and threads that could be helpful reads for people at that stage.  We can link to outside resources and SSN resources that might be helpful to them. 


Just thinking out loud here..  happy to continue working on this if people think it's helpful.  Or i can just as well drop the idea if people think it wouldn't be helpful.   I'm fishing for ideas and opinions.  
Thanks
 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
     Thread Starter
 

September 22, 2016 5:10 pm  #6


Re: Collectively building a "first aid kit" for the unfortunate newbies

I just feel like most people coming here aren't ready to face all that in the beginning.  They are looking for a way to make the situation work.  Knowing they're not alone is a big help in and of itself.

I'll let everyone else weigh in, because my own scenario was 5 years ago now and I navigated it largely on my own.  I did come here, but this wasn't as busy a place then, with as much to offer.

Kel


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

September 23, 2016 12:56 am  #7


Re: Collectively building a "first aid kit" for the unfortunate newbies

oh my gosh, this is a wonderful idea! Sure, some may not find it valuable but to those looking for a kit like this, they can be assured that they can return to ONE post, link, sticky (that maybe is added to over time). I would love that list right now! I'm already 6 weeks into the reveal & I am so scattered and lost still, trying to piece everything together, bookmarking posts so i can more easily revisit. And that;s just this site!

some other suggestions:
1. specify no personal stories on this sticky (people can visit Sam's new thread about "Our stories" or read thru the other posts for that)...The kit sticky could easily run off track if it became story inclusive.
2. include other sites/forums/books/Youtube vids for other sources, such as Daily Strength, Chumplady etc.

I really like the idea LostDad!. When you are in the beginning stages, you need to see the same info multiple times before it may sink in. When you are bouncing off the walls & flip flopping, trying to keep your head above water, it needs to be as simple & direct, formatted as possible. I'm okay being a Shitstorm Trooper but extra work & a scattered info hunt is just adding to the chaos. I personally, love blueprints & plans, yet I could still modify the plan & order as I see fit

bless you LostDad for taking the time to so sincerely want to help others. 

Sham 

 

September 23, 2016 6:30 am  #8


Re: Collectively building a "first aid kit" for the unfortunate newbies

Some stickies would be good.  Only because this is, sadly, so common.
But..
In the beginning though I appreciated the personal responses to my situation.  The get off your ass ones were not unkind but realistic and could not be discounted. Others were so needed and helpful.  I saved one from Kel about me not being pathetic that I have printed to this day.

What a great group of people here though..half of us are still in it or still reeling from it but try to help others.  Others know the exact words to say to help.  Some of us can only offer a "me too".
But it all helps.

Last edited by Rob (September 23, 2016 6:32 am)


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

September 23, 2016 10:06 am  #9


Re: Collectively building a "first aid kit" for the unfortunate newbies

I think we could benefit by a few more categories, and one could be Resources for newbies. I do like how on the surviving infidelity site you can click on a number of topics to find posts you want to read. SSI has resources at the top, and often newbies are referred there. We all react differently, and it is all helpful.

Yes I was so overwhelmed, and yet I devoured everything I could find from books to forums like this. If we break things down so people can select what they want, it should make it easier to find what they need.

For example, trans issues, or continued denial.....

Keepinghope

Last edited by Keepinghope (September 24, 2016 1:52 pm)

 

September 23, 2016 7:06 pm  #10


Re: Collectively building a "first aid kit" for the unfortunate newbies

To be honest I'm not a fan of more categories.  I even find the 'support' and 'general discussion' and 'is he'she gay' categories annoying because really... pretty much everything we do here is 'support'. Categories seem to fragment the advice and confuse people. Where do I look?... Where do I post if I want support but also want to talk about whether he's gay or not? Just my opinion.

Having a few pinned posts for newbies like the 'forum jargon' post might be a good idea but it should be very 'general' type advice. While there are a lot of similarities in our experiences there are also a lot of differences.  The post below is what I used to post for newbies 'back in the day'.  It's just really basic stuff... Get support... see a doctor... see a lawyer... you're not alone.  Whatever you do I suggest you keep it simple otherwise you run the risk of overwhelming people. Again... just my opinion.  Anyway... here's my old 'newbie post':

Hello,
 
My heart goes out to you because I know only too well the shock and disbelief you are feeling right now. It’s HORRIBLE but please know that you are not alone.  There are many people on this forum who have been where you are now... some are still there.  Hopefully you will take some time to read a lot of the posts here.
 
We all have different stories and find ourselves in different circumstances so there is no ‘one size fits all’ strategy for getting support when such a trauma happens... but if it’s ok I would like to list a few common  ways that people find help.
 
Family and friends
Strangely it is often our family and friends who are the hardest to tell when there is something very wrong in our marriage yet they are the very people who should know, possibly already do know, and who can help the most.  MAKE SURE YOU ARE TALKING TO YOUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS. That doesn’t mean you have to tell everyone but you should definitely tell SOMEONE.  Lean heavily on the people who love you most.  THIS is what families are for.
 
Your doctor
If you feel you aren’t coping emotionally, physically or mentally GO TO YOUR DOCTOR.  If you are suffering sleeplessness, loss of appetite (weight loss) or any other physical symptoms OR you feel that you might be suffering depression your doctor can help you. 
 
If you are depressed and feel like you could use the help a doctor can prescribe anti-depressants.    Using anti-depressants is NOT a sign of weakness.  Many people who frequent this forum (including myself) have used them in the past and benefited from them.  Given the right prescription and dose they do not make you a ‘zombie’ as some people fear and for all intents and purposes you will function normally.
 
Your doctor can also refer you to a counsellor, therapist or psychologist if you need psychological support... and most of us in this situation do.
 
Counselling / Therapy
Therapy or counselling is pretty much considered a ‘must have’ around here because a properly trained counsellor or therapist can help you understand your feelings, order your thoughts and plan a way forward.
 
Support Groups
This forum is an ‘on-line’ support group but in some places you may be able to find a ‘real life’ support group.  Not that we are not ‘real’ but you know what I mean.
 
The Straight Spouse Network does have groups that meet I believe (see the links on the Straight Spouse Network Home Page) otherwise you might be able to find other groups who offer support to people going through separation or divorce.
 
Attorneys / Lawyers / Solicitors (Legal advice)
After the heartbreak the next greatest source of anxiety many of us experience is often fear about our legal position / situation. Legal advice is vital for at least two reasons.  It makes you aware of your rights AND helps prevent you from doing something stupid. GET LEGAL ADVICE as soon as you can ESPECIALLY if you have children and particularly before either you or your spouse leave the family home. 
 
Now... all of that sounds like a lot to do at a moment when all you will feel like doing is curling up in a ball and crying... none of it has to happen TODAY but make sure you know that the people above are there to help you and you are NOT alone.  Take one day at a time but GET HELP from as many places as you can.  Don't try to do this alone.

Please keep posting.  We are here for you.
 
Steve. 
 


You have a future. A good one. It begins as a flicker of hope. Nurture it until it becomes a dream and when you are strong enough you will make it a reality. NEVER give up. 
 

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