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Wed Sep 21 6:44 am  #11


Re: She is not "a lesbian"...

Rob,
I read your resonse on another thread;
"but I knew when I was snooping it was over... people that love each other do not create a situation where one has to snoop.  

I agree to some extent. I have been adviced the same before, 
still, I would like to "fight" for more. To find out. For truth first.
And, not to end it on the wrong assumptions, right....?

 

Wed Sep 21 9:54 am  #12


Re: She is not "a lesbian"...

I don't think Rob is saying not to snoop - far from it.  He's saying that the fact that you feel there is a need to dig further means that she is fostering suspicion - the things she's doing is driving your need to snoop.  You are not just a snoop because you're snoopy in general.  She's driving this.  You have every right to look into what's bothering you.

Kel


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

Wed Sep 21 10:02 am  #13


Re: She is not "a lesbian"...

I'm going to play devil's advocate on how you see you and your wife discussing other people's bodies.  Is there.... a purpose to this?  I mean,.... if my husband even so much as turns his head to drink in another woman while in my presence, I think that's disrespectful.  I'm not in denial - I know that he can see them.  I know he may even look at them when I'm not present.  But.... what is the purpose of said gazing in my presence?  And what would be the purpose of talking about who he finds attractive and what parts he finds attractive???  I find this to be immature behavior.  It's disrespectful.  I've heard it said that if you are confident in your own looks, one won't be threatened by such behavior from their spouse.  I'd propose that one's spouse aids such confidence by their behavior toward you - and around you.  If they are showering you with praise about your body and your looks in general and your personality, then you will feel more confident overall.  And the opposite is true, too.  The only argument I've heard about sharing what's on your mind is that it is sharing what's on your mind.  As if sharing what's on one's mind is paramount to fostering a good relationship.  And I don't think that's true in all cases.  My husband has some seriously funky feet.  He knows this.  Do I need to mention it?  HELL no!  It simply doesn't have a point.  I'm glad he doesn't point out my double-chin to me, either.  I know it's there.  He doesn't need to share that for me to feel like we're connected.  Ew.  So I don't think that sharing everything is necessarily a benefit, nor is it necessary.  So then.... what would be the point of her sharing her attraction to/for other women?  It's not healthy.

Kel


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

Wed Sep 21 1:19 pm  #14


Re: She is not "a lesbian"...

Steen wrote:

Rob,
I read your resonse on another thread;
"but I knew when I was snooping it was over... people that love each other do not create a situation where one has to snoop.  

I agree to some extent. I have been adviced the same before, 
still, I would like to "fight" for more. To find out. For truth first.
And, not to end it on the wrong assumptions, right....?

This reminds me (painfully) of one of the biggest points of contention in the 6 tense months before she finally came out of the closet.  She slowly began to hide her phone from me.  At first it was changing the passcode and when questioned she had some bogus excuse about security at work.  Then she would change it frequently.. then she changed the notifications that came up so that they didn't display any of the text messages.  Then she changed it to not say who the text message was even from.  She would only check the messages when she got up to go to another room.  Then she started hiding her phone in her closet at night.  

I told her that it was unacceptable for her to be hiding her phone from me.  She gave me a guilt trip about not trusting her.  My response was (and still is) that there shouldn't be any secrets between a married couple and just the action of hiding her phone tells me that she is hiding something from me.  Just that posture of hiding something was proof enough.  

When I finally had the chance to dig.. I found the truth and it was a sword into my heart. 

But I'm glad I now know the truth.  I can rebuild my life and find someone who I can trust someday in the future. 

If you don't trust your spouse, you're not in a solid marriage.  

Try letting your phone battery run out and ask her if you can borrow her phone to make a call.  Ask her what the passcode is.  If she won't tell you, then she's hiding something on that phone.  

It's not OK to keep secrets from your spouse.  
 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

Wed Sep 21 5:32 pm  #15


Re: She is not "a lesbian"...

Lostdad,

You just described my world of secret accounts around here for the past year. right down to hiding the phone at night, changing passwords. I found notes everywhere with passcodes.( ya, he's really swift.)

The thing is, i was never supicious until he started said behavior. Of course I have to investigate that shit! It's like leaving a box on the counter, unwrapped, no tape & telling me not to look in it. For 6 months. 

As if.

I am not above snooping. Lawyers & scientists snoop. There is sometimes a bigger cause.

Sham 

 

Wed Sep 21 8:59 pm  #16


Re: She is not "a lesbian"...

Steen,

Snoop  ..definitely snoop.  But when you find out what is on the phone etc..it will only shock and hurt you..it won't make things better.  For me it changed nothing.  It just messed with my mind and caused me to shake  because I knew what she was doing.   The utter horrible betrayal crushed me... I was as white as a ghost.   
But then I (you) could not live with her hiding the phone and sneaking around either..  

I'm so so sorry but if you feel it in your bones and shes taking her phone to the bathroom with her shes hiding something she doesn't want you to know..    not what marrriage is about.

So so sorry .
 

Last edited by Rob (Wed Sep 21 9:16 pm)


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

Thu Sep 22 11:45 pm  #17


Re: She is not "a lesbian"...

This phone thing...hiding it was the first clue I had that something was wrong. If you,have access to the account online, you can see the call and text log, and see if there are numbers she is calling or texting excessively. Once I knew something was up, I had to know more. He was hiding everything in his car. I found an opportunity to check it out and found all the evidence I needed. As much as it hurt, I then knew what he was up to, who he was with (he had photos) money transfers to his young friends, and lots more. It shocked me into action, instead of wondering longer.

Most of all, once I found the evidence, he couldn't deny or gaslight me anymore. I stopped listening to his lies and moved on. This is after a 25 year message I thought was fine! Check the phones.

 

Sun Sep 25 6:19 pm  #18


Re: She is not "a lesbian"...

Wow, the more time I spend reading this forum, the more I realize things about what happened in my own marriage.  Just wow... 

My wife would allow me to have sex with her.  But very rarely did she initiate it or actually seem passionate about it.  What strikes me this moment is something that I probably knew subconsciously, but never really put words to. Of those few times that she would initiate sex, many or most were after she had been out with other women that I feared she thought of as more than friends.  I guess I know now that she was turned on sexually by these women and would allow herself to "outlet" that desire on me.  Of course at the time I was dumb and happy that I was receiving her attention and thought I was her desire.  Heck.. i would encourage her to go out with these women because I seemed to be rewarded by it.  Wow..  I'm so stupid!

Just one more parallel.  I'm constantly amazed that the experiences I thought were completely unique to my life have such similarity to others.  

Thank you for sharing that Ynadin.  The more I learn the more it answers those nagging questions and helps me understand and move forward. 

Last edited by lostdad (Wed Sep 28 11:47 am)


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

Tue Sep 27 3:29 pm  #19


Re: She is not "a lesbian"...

Along with what what some of you are mentioning...the very last time I had sex with my ex it was AMAZING.He was extra passionate.  I realized shortly after by looking at his phone that he had been looking at naked men and gay underwear sites of gay porn stars in jock straps. Lol. The pictures made him horny and then he used that horny state to have sex with me! He had sent a sexy text that felt a little off to me. Something about it made me feel weird. Now I know it was my intuition!
After my findings I knew I would never let him have sex with me again. I deserve much better than that! We all do

 

Tue Sep 27 11:49 pm  #20


Re: She is not "a lesbian"...

Ynadin

No as I look back I don't see a lot of signed of the gayness.  Maybe the fact that I always had to initiate but no.  I saw lots of signs of narcissism though.

Don't beat yourself up...we gave true love..our spouses did not..they lied and deceived. It was sickening to read the utter contempt she had for me..she and her girlfriend saying bad things about me.  But I was so kind.

We're divorced now and I can't tell you how relieved I am to be away from her plotting scheming. 
Not what we signed up for.


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

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