Straight Spouse Network Open Forum

You are not logged in. Would you like to login or register?



July 10, 2019 10:42 am  #1


Anyone considering staying married (but not interested in MOM)?

I've got a lot to lose if I get divorced.  I don't really want to get into specifics since I'm getting a bit paranoid about posting, but I've been thinking about stringing this whole reconciliation thing along.  I'd feel guilty about it if these were normal circumstances, but they aren't.  I've had a long marriage, and I've left home but I'm playing the "let's work on things" game.  I don't have to deal with him on a day to day basis. Just wondering if I'm the only devious bitch out there.

My ultimate goal is to stay married but not in a relationship.  I don't want to get married again, ever.  Am I nuts?


My turn
 

July 10, 2019 11:14 am  #2


Re: Anyone considering staying married (but not interested in MOM)?

If you do not want to be found out I strongly suggest that you contact the moderators to change your name and take down that photo. As for making a decision whether or not to remain married I recommend talking to an attorney to find out the pros and cons for you under the laws where you live.

For example, where I live a spouse can be responsible for nursing home costs so, as someone who is much older than you and is divorced, I have no intention of jeopardizing my finances by ever marrying again. If I were still married and my gay or whatever spouse was engaging in behaviors which could land him in a nursing home I would be wanting a divorce and not a separation. 

 


Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.
 

July 10, 2019 11:18 am  #3


Re: Anyone considering staying married (but not interested in MOM)?

   I don't think you're nuts.  A "marriage of convenience," is how I think of it. 
   I considered something similar to what you're contemplating, but would have proposed it directly to my then-husband, as a way for us each to get time and space away from each other but retain the financial advantage we enjoyed as a couple with two incomes and a paid off house. As I envisioned it, we would have lived maybe eight or nine months a year apart, me going away and him staying in the house; that's what would have suited us both, and merely extended a practice we already had established of me leaving home for a couple of months each summer to go back to the area of the country where I grew up and my family lives still. 
     I thought such an arrangement would give him the space and privacy he wanted to cross dress freely (my ex considers himself trans but is in the closet) without me in the house, and I wouldn't have to see it and would get time to go to the place where I am most at home.  For most of the year, that is, he'd get what he wanted, and I'd get what I wanted.  We'd each have to compromise during the three months we lived together (we would maintain separate bedrooms). 
   In fact, my ex's sister and her husband are considering something much like that when they retire in two years, not because he's gay, but because they want different things in retirement.  He wants to spend five months a year in a remote family home, and she wants to travel. They already spend a lot of their time apart or in parallel pursuits in their jobs.  
   In my case, it became more and more apparent that living with my now-ex for even three to four months a year was going to require compromises on his part that he was not going to be willing the make, and that my refusal to participate in his sexual fantasies would cause a lot of resentment on his part, and raise the tension in the house. I didn't think we could simply live like roomates, with no expectations of the other.  Also, as during our marriage I was the one who monitored what needed to be done in terms of house maintenance and repair, I both didn't want that burden, and didn't think it was fair for him to push that off onto me.  
   I think that with open communication and a mutual willingness to compromise an arrangement like this could work.  At some moments, I regret that my ex would not have been flexible enough for us to set up that kind of arrangement.  Most of the time, though, I'm so relieved to be away and to have my autonomy--living that way would have limited me in ways I think now I'm glad not to be limited.  

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (July 10, 2019 11:22 am)

 

July 10, 2019 11:49 am  #4


Re: Anyone considering staying married (but not interested in MOM)?

Abby - thanks for the advice.  Clair underwood (and photo) is a character from House of Cards.  She was married to an incredibly devious and closeted gay politician.  She proved to be even more devious.  At this point she might just be my hero.  I'll remove the photo though, probably a good idea. 

And I do need to consult with an atty, I've educated myself but that's not the same as having experience with the system and understanding the loopholes. From what I've read I'm not positioned to keep the majority of my assets. 

OOHC - That's great perspective, thanks.


My turn
     Thread Starter
 

July 10, 2019 11:50 am  #5


Re: Anyone considering staying married (but not interested in MOM)?

OP, I have seen this in other couples I know who are both straight. If both you and your partner agree, it sounds like a good plan.

 

July 10, 2019 12:12 pm  #6


Re: Anyone considering staying married (but not interested in MOM)?

Abby's made a great point.  What looks like a financially better arrangement can go south really fast if your spouse piles on a lot of debt or incurs huge medical expenses, because if you're still married you're on the hook for them.

 

July 13, 2019 8:27 pm  #7


Re: Anyone considering staying married (but not interested in MOM)?

I haven’t been online for a couple of weeks, so CU I may have missed your story. Can I ask, how long have you known about your husband?

 

July 13, 2019 11:47 pm  #8


Re: Anyone considering staying married (but not interested in MOM)?

ClairUnderwood wrote:

..... I've had a long marriage, and I've left home but I'm playing the "let's work on things" game.  I don't have to deal with him on a day to day basis. Just wondering if I'm the only devious bitch out there.
My ultimate goal is to stay married but not in a relationship.  I don't want to get married again, ever.....

 


 Leaving home but still married/"working on it/seeing it as a game....
if this is the only way to process it....who is anybody to judge, it's your life not ours. 
But why would you want to keep yourself tied to somebody you have no intention of respecting?
 


** This is all about survival **
 

Board footera

 

Powered by Boardhost. Create a Free Forum