Different situations, same problem! I am still sharing a home, but not a bedroom.  Kids at home too, and plenty of public family times. Currently I need to make it seem that all is good.

Lately, it is really working for me to actually engage, but with a plan ahead of time for his I am going to do that, so that I am in charge of the conversations. I have specific topics and questions I’ve thought of to ask my husband about, like a trip, a conference, what did he see on his run, etc. This takes away the tension that inevitably comes up if there is no conversation at all. When there is silence, my grief and anger fill up the space.  And that tension would create more tension and emotional pain.  Essentially I am hiding my continued process of detachment by showing connection.  It is weird, and hard, because it seems like maintaining the relationship. But it is my plan, and I am intentional about it, and also have an “escape plan.” Meh in the background.

I act like an asshole until they leave me alone and then I go home later and cry because I want someone I can't have and am probably better off without. Clearly I am an expert at this. You may all want to take lessons from me.

I'm not even sure it works without kids. I know it's probably a poor coping mechanism. I don't like how it makes me feel to behave that way but if I don't I start thinking maybe against all odds it could work. It can't. And I don't trust myself not to try so it's the only thing I can think of to stay away from them. It just hurts and I'm tired. I don't want to feel anymore.

I didn't get as far as marriage or even a relationship. I had a multi-year previous relationship with someone else I strongly suspect may have also been GID, though, so I think the combo has made this much harder to get over than I anticipated. There was also a great deal of deceit, involvement of other people, and leading me on. For what reasons I don't really understand  but by the time I learned the truth I was invested emotionally. I thought I was creating a friendship with someone who might be more...and so here I am. I still have to see them for other reasons so can't disengage completely. I also don't want to hurt them...though I struggle with anger and am not always my best self. I don't know how any of you do this long term. The previous relationship about killed me. This time has it's own version of pain. Thanks for the kind words. I've been very sad. Sometimes I feel like an odd duck in the forum but I try to think of myself as a pre-type to others experiences and hope maybe someone can get some use and comfort from my perspective too.

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Last edited by MJM017 (July 11, 2021 7:28 pm)