Dear Alley,
   I'm sorry you have felt so alone in your struggle.  I felt the same way for the first 18 months after my now-ex told me he'd decided he was transgender and intended to transition, before I found the Straight Spouse Network and Forum.  And, like you, I tried very hard to accommodate this change in my marriage, in the name of love, 32 years together, and my wanting to be a supportive wife and good LGTBQ ally.  
   Let me say this: there is nothing wrong with you--not for trying to accommodate this huge upheaval in your marriage, or for acting from your spouse's good impulse to support your spouse.  This is what loving partners do.  Unfortunately, your spouse does not share these values, and unilaterally changed the terms of your marriage, yet still expects your wifely care and concern while giving you none of the same care and concern.  
   You don't say what the specifics are of what you have told your therapist but given my own experience with a spouse who declared himself trans, and from what other women in our situation on this forum have written, it sure sounds like your therapist has made a good judgement call.  Trust her judgment.  And ask her to help you with techniques that will allow you to protect yourself emotionally by distancing yourself emotionally from him.  
     Your spouse is clearly attempting to manipulate and blackmail you emotionally by claiming that he "can't live" without you.   Ask yourself whether you would ever say such a thing, or act in a similar manner as your spouse has: I bet the answer is no.   The fact is that anyone who could threaten and manipulate and unilaterally change the terms of your marriage yet have no appreciation or understanding or care for what his actions have done to you is not a person who has your best interests at heart.  
   You don't say whether your children know about their father's feeling, but children are preceptive and they surely see and feel the tension in your marriage.  The conventional wisdom is that we should "stay for the children," but I have seen a convincing argument that staying in a bad situation is not good for children.  It models abuse for them.  Instead, you leave for the children, to spare them the tension in the household, from witnessing the abuse of their mother, and to model strong self-assertive behavior for them.  
   You might also ask yourself how it is a male can "feel like" a female; he has no access to the way women feel; he only knows how HE feels, and he can only imagine that he feels how a woman feels. 
  One thing about rock bottom: the only way left to go is up!  Read around on the forum; you can search for threads on transgender, and then, by searching for individual posters, read more by the people who also have been in your situation. 
   

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (June 11, 2019 5:20 pm)

What IS it with the shaving and the nail polish?  My ex even wanted ME to shave his legs!  He had a whole sexual fantasy built up in his head with him swooning while I shaved his legs!  
  It definitely is too much. And it's ok for you to say you don't want to be part of it anymore.  It's your right to say that you do not want to be married anymore.  If the way he demands you live is not acceptable to you, you have every right to leave and divorce.  

I'm not familiar with a spouse wanting to change sex...only with a wife cheating with a woman.


I think you are strong and there is nothing wrong with you.  We give and gave true fierce love and loyalty.   But these spouses...i think it is narccism...they hurt us..and they then they expect to receive our same true fierce love, loyalty, dependability etc.    I think when they hurt us, and in my case when they cheat on us,  they forfeit all rights and privelages to our fierce love etc.

Build your support system..and don't think for a moment this is you.