OurPath Open Forum

This Open Forum is funded and administered by OurPath, Inc., (formerly the Straight Spouse Network). OurPath is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to Straight Partners and Partners of Trans People who have discovered that their partner is LGBT+. Your contribution, no matter how small, helps us provide our community with this space for discussion and connection.


BE A DONOR >>>


You are not logged in. Would you like to login or register?



June 11, 2019 9:03 am  #1


Ups and downs

Hi everyone,

Like many of you, these days have been so difficult.   I live for the good moments, and the good days, but I don't know where the end is or what it looks like.

The confession came about five months ago.  At this point, we intend to stay together, but he told me a few days ago that he feels more and more gay.  He is currently involved in a, let's say, romantic friendship, with a guy he met about a year ago at work.  It is not sexual, but definitely not platonic.

As of a few weeks ago, they now go out together more or less every day.  He is constantly inviting him out, and my husband says that he has to take advantage of the opportunity to go out and have fun.

The even more f-ed up part is this: because of our financial issues, we've decided to live separately, so I will live in my parents' house, and he will rent a room from this guy, paying about half what our rent is.  This arrangement is supposed to last until the end of the year, at which time we hope to have saved enough money for a down payment on a house. 

It isn't quite what you all might be thinking.  His "friend" has a live-in boyfriend, although their relationship seems to be in shambles.  My husband says that when he lives there, he will just focus on working.

He says he loves me and doesn't want to lose me or the kids, and he does show me this.

 

June 11, 2019 2:15 pm  #2


Re: Ups and downs

Can I ask -- are you yourself working right now?  How old are you?

 

June 11, 2019 3:05 pm  #3


Re: Ups and downs

Welcome to our Forum CannotEven.

Once you've managed to extricate yourself from the gas-lighting mindfuck that this man who says he loves you has surrounded you with....you will be able to see the clear relationship inequality between you both. It's unfair and only serves to better his life, not yours.

Read as much of the advice here, the suggestions....there's a First Aid Thread in General.

We're here for you


KIA KAHA                       
 

June 12, 2019 8:24 am  #4


Re: Ups and downs

Thanks everybody for your responses.  I really have felt so alone in this.

I am 33 years old, and no, not currently working.  Mainly childcare issues, but I think he prefers me to be home, even though we really need the money.  There have been multiple occasions where I got a job, and he convinced me to quit.

We have two kids, 4 and 6 months.

Ellexoh, I appreciate your thoughts; "gaslighting mindfuck" is spot-on.  It has been that way even before all the gay stuff came to light.  I live for the good moments, which are not infrequent.

Although he did blow up at me yesterday for the first time in a while because I got the inkling of an idea that the women he hangs out with at work know he is gay/bi.  Apparently, one can get excused from work going to the gay pride parade with a group from work. He also said that I could go too, t-shirts, etc.  He was talking about that with them, but it made me wonder who brought up the topic, and that was all I asked.  He must have known what I was getting at, though, because he flipped out on me.  "What difference does it make?!  Oh, I guess you don't want to come with me; I'll invite [friend]."

     Thread Starter
 

June 12, 2019 9:47 am  #5


Re: Ups and downs

If you going to live with your parents and he is going to be out socializing for the sake of yourself, your children and your parents you need to consult an attorney to find out about spousal and child support where you live. While you may not be ready for divorce him the fact is that you will be separated and your parents probably are not in a position to support you and the children, not should he expect them to.

As soon as my now-ex moved into his apartment I was at the domestic relations office Monday morning filing a complaint for spousal support (our children were adults). The papers came as a shock to him because he had not discussed finances with me before leaving other than that he would pay the mortgage. He consulted an attorney and I dropped the complaint after receiving what my attorney considered a fair private settlement.  You don't have to try to have a discussion with him. A date was set for a conference at the Domestic Relations Office and he did not want to go through that and having a file with the court.

My ex announced he was gay and and wanted a divorce and then was dating a woman. He didn't want to identify as anything except himself. For several years now he's been in a relationship with a gay man and I guess he might identify that way if pressed. There just comes a point though where you have to stop trying to define his sexuality and say to yourself "Whatever he is he isn't for me."


 


Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.
 

June 13, 2019 5:52 am  #6


Re: Ups and downs

Abby, thanks for your insight and sharing your experience. 

I don't want to escalate it to that level,  and besides, that is definitely too expensive.

     Thread Starter
 

June 13, 2019 6:11 am  #7


Re: Ups and downs

Dear CannotEven,
   You say that you "intend to stay together," but I "cannot even" figure out in what sense you ARE together.  You plan to live physically separated, with you back at home with your parents, and your husband has a romantic and emotional attachment not to you, but to a man whose attentions he values more than he values yours or being at home with the family he says he wants to preserve.  In what sense is that "together"?  In what way do these actions indicate actions taken in support of "together"?  The actions here don't support the words.
   It's not uncommon for a closeted or gay-in-denial man to manipulate his wife and their life together in ways that tend to ensure his closet will be secure, and that his beard--his wife--will find it difficult to leave.  One of the ways they do this is by urging their wives to be stay at home wives, or give up their careers, or take part-time work they couldn't live on independently.  This tends to encourage dependency and isolation, and, as well, to place the closeted spouse in the driver's seat of the relationship, give him the upper hand, so to speak, which serves a closeted spouse's interests if he wants to have sex with men on the side.  Another common tactic to isolate the wife, so she doesn't have a support system or friends who could give her an alternative perspective on her marriage or her husband's behavior, is to move across country far from relatives or friends.  
  It looks to my eyes as if your husband has done this, by discouraging you from taking jobs and encouraging you to quit jobs, and is now engaged in shunting you off to the side, sidelining you in his life, in preparation for the discard.  He SAYS he wants to stay together, but has decided to live by himself and send his wife and children back to her parents' home while he goes out with a romantic partner. His ACTIONS speak loudly and clearly.  What his actions say is that he has found a man he is attracted to sufficiently that now he wants out of his closet and to leave his former life--and you, his wife.

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (June 13, 2019 6:17 am)

 

June 13, 2019 11:34 pm  #8


Re: Ups and downs

I hesitated about whether to respond to your thread because you seem so determined to try and make it work and I hate to cause any more pain than you are already experiencing but I decided to just put it out there so you could at least think about it. So here goes.

Seriously reconsider purchasing a home with your husband. Do you really want to get stuck in a mortgage with someone who seems to consider you as a glorified housekeeper and nanny? This is assuming he decides to stick around and help you pay for it. If he doesn't? If he decides to swan off into the sunset and leaves you on the hook? Neither of these seem like good options for you and your children. I also hate to burst your bubble about the live-in boyfriend thing but many gay couples do not operate monogamously. Open relationships are very common. I'm just very worried for you. You might consider being checked for STIs. Frankly, you need to take care of you.

I chose to say something because there was a previous poster who was so financially entangled with her spouse (business/home) that she only saw him, other than work, for dinner once a week and occasions where he could put her on display like funerals. She was basically abandoned and terribly lonely but felt she couldn't get out because of their home and business. While you are different people I'd just hate to see you in the same sad situation. Neither you nor she should feel trapped. Take it for what it is worth and maybe try and find her thread before you make any decisions. Best of luck.

 

June 14, 2019 4:58 am  #9


Re: Ups and downs

Hey there!! I feel your pain. It's like your getting dragged into his denial. I'm in a similar situation. They don't want to cut ties as its too scary but they want to live their gay life. Your suffering  because he wants the best of everything. Totally unfair to you. I don't doubt for a second he wants to be straight but he's not and to hurt you is selfish.  Everyone goes through hard times, they don't need to wreck some else's chance of an authentic life just because they can't deal with their own truth. I find it so hard that we're just to be made to feel like we're just there to support a gay man when they have never supported or been honest to us? I understand it's hard but to knowingly deceive and manipulate someone for your own gain, I find hard to separate.  I hear you!! I think i'm at the angry phase and still being manipulated and deceived  just now. My husband is on grinder looking for hook ups but still expects me to be his wife???

 

June 14, 2019 7:20 am  #10


Re: Ups and downs

My husband is a trans woman. At the time I thought I could stay with him. Within the 3 years all of my boundaries have been crossed.  It’s like once open they just go all in.  And you’re supposed to go along because you stayed at the beginning.   Three months ago I decided I couldn’t live this way.  It’s only going to get worse. There are no boundaries now.  Once they have accepted themselves it’s a whole new life for them.  They may say they don’t want to lose you but as it progresses they realize how freeing it is and do not want the old self back.  You will just get dragged along.  It won’t stop!!!  He will never  be the person you married again.  That person is gone!!  You need to ask yourself what type of marriage you want.  I no longer want one with anxiety and worrying how far this thing is going to go.   I feel I’ve wasted a couple of years.  I regret not getting out sooner and starting my life the way I want.  Eventually I became angry at myself for giving in even though I knew this wasn’t the kind of marriage I wanted.  I need to find myself again and make my own decisions about my life.   I hope to find a real man someday but if not I’m still going to be living my life my way.  Peacefully and happy!  Please seriously think about what you want now because he isn’t going to stop.  Once he gets a taste of that feeling it becomes an obsession.  The pain will eventually fade.

 

Board footera

 

Powered by Boardhost. Create a Free Forum