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September 7, 2016 3:38 pm  #1


CD/TG husband--help

I am looking for help with the whole CD/TG husband thing.  Mine came out to me 14 years ago, originally as CD but has claimed over the years to be TG.  I'm embarrassed that I've stayed this long, honestly, but he will promise to stop, act like a better husband, swear he loves me and doesn't want me to leave, and I keep holding on to this pathetic hope that he actually means it.  I've dealt with this so long I've had one therapist die of cancer, one move across the country and now am on my third therapist.  It's exhausting explaining the situation when I don't even understand it myself half the time.  Been a SAHM most of our marriage, thought when my kids left we could get divorced.  One reason I stayed was because of financial security, the other being I wanted to protect my kids from finding this out about him.  He has never gone out in public or shared this info with anyone else.  None of our friends know, none would ever even believe this.  I was afraid if I left him he would go "all the way" with this, and truly don't think he could deal with the consequences of doing so and didn't want our kids to be embarrassed. 
Two years ago when the youngest left for college, we had what I felt was a heartfelt conversation about our marriage.  I had gone back to school and was working part time at a horribly stressful job.  He swore up and down he wasn't doing anything, didn't want to do anything and wanted to stay married.  I believed him, quit my job, went back to working for/with him part time (we own a business) and figured, hey, we don't have a sex life but we can be friends and co-parents.  We have been living in separate bedrooms for at least 10 years.  This summer, while on our family vacation, he received a phone call from the pharmacy that his prescription refill was ready.  At first he denied it and said it had to have been a wrong number, but then I googled it and found the pharmacy was right by our office.  He finally confessed and said he had been taking hormones and testosterone blockers for at least the last two years and lying about it.  As both my kids were home for the summer, I stuffed my anger away and focused on getting through one day at a time.  (I did blow up at him a couple times when we were alone)  And yes, I had noticed he didn't have beard growth, body hair seemed almost to disappear and there was something weird about him I couldn't place--also he wears gynecomastia undershirts I bought for him because I couldn't stand how his moobs looked.  However, every time I asked him is he was taking anything he swore up and down he wasn't and chalked it up to being fat. 
So now both my kids have moved back out (one back to college, the other as a graduate with a job) and I'm trying to figure out what to do and when to do it if I do anything.  So many days I spend trying not to think about it, because I don't want to, but I find myself downing a glass (plus) of wine every night, eating more than I should, and fighting shutting down from depression. 
With the second therapist we did marriage counseling for awhile, but he made it abundantly clear at that time (probably 9 years ago) that he was going to do what he wanted to do and he didn't care how it made me feel.  (and that was probably his one honest moment)  He is also a huge liar, and when I asked her if he was a narcissist (from the psychological testing we had done) she said that would be a step up for him.  This is truly a turn on for him, not some sort of genuine identity issue.  He is obsessed with breasts and years ago I found he had joined all sorts of yahoo groups with names like TS hotties and Men Wanting Boobs.  The sad thing is after all this I honestly suspect all men are perverts and dishonest and I think that is another reason I stay.  I don't think I could ever trust a man again.

 

September 7, 2016 4:20 pm  #2


Re: CD/TG husband--help

So sorry.. I can see how your tired ... living in separate bedrooms for at least 10 years. 

Do what needs to be done.  start taking small steps for yourself, talk to a lawyer, gather financial docs etc.
 From what you say he sounds like a heartless narcissist.   The stress and tiredness is your body telling you it can't go on.  Your gut and body are telling you whatever is in the future..be it living on the street..it may be better than how your being treated now.

PS:  Not all men are perverts and dishonest. This I assure you and declare. I have never lied to my now ex wife about anything ..especially anything physical that I would go to the doctor for.    She on the other had started on antidepressants right around the time she started cheating and wouldnt tell me why she was taking them,   

Sorry your here  but prayers and hugs on your journey out of the TGT/TG/CD closet.


 

Last edited by Rob (September 7, 2016 4:20 pm)


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

September 7, 2016 7:11 pm  #3


Re: CD/TG husband--help

Dear Tired,

Welcome. I don't know a darn thing about CD/TG, but I spent 20 years living with a Narcissist who was GID.  If your therapist told you point blank that your H is one step below a Narcissist it is time to run like you hair is on fire (to quote Kel).  I know that you deserve more. I believe you are worth more.  

You have been dealing with this all for a very long time.  It is time for you to get more out of life and to begin to live the life you deserve. Get your professional team together and find out what your rights and liabilities are so that you can begin to make informed decisions.  If you have to stay for some reason, do it on your own terms with dignity.  Life is too short to be someone's beard or narcissistic supply.  You matter.  
 


"No matter how hard the journey may be, remember to be kind to yourself..."
 

September 7, 2016 8:49 pm  #4


Re: CD/TG husband--help

"..If you have to stay for some reason, do it on your own terms with dignity. "

Yeah  I stayed ...over a year in the same house as the narcissist I was divorcing.and then several months after we divorced.

I would not recommend it to my worst enemy.  But financially it was the only thing that made sense.  And I did get to see my kids every day albeit in a toxic household.   Sleeping downstairs and walking on eggshells hardly qualifies as dignity though.   My dignity was my terms that I would finish my obligations of the marriage that I vowed before God (even though she would not).     I would keep things as normal as possible for the kids to my own determent...knowing it was temporary and not forever.   I will say most days I could  not see the end but faith and folks here assured me there was an end to the hell.   It was season and not a lifetime. God would not want us to stay in an abusive marriage without dignity.

We all do what we need to. We all have different circumstances and different strength.   I say gather strength and plan now on living in dignity. We  all deserve basic human dignity.    This is not something that a spouse is supposed to take away.  

 

Last edited by Rob (September 7, 2016 8:50 pm)


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

September 7, 2016 8:53 pm  #5


Re: CD/TG husband--help

That all does sound exhausting. A note on kids, I'm guessing that they have some idea about the situation. Maybe not covering for their dad anymore would relieve them from feeling they have to keep the secret as well? Any way you look at it, you deserve better.

 

September 8, 2016 6:10 pm  #6


Re: CD/TG husband--help

Dear Tired. I feel for you and hope you can get away from him.  Have you read the article Retired&Lost posted on her thread about getting away from a narcissist?  My ex was a CDer, too.  This is not in anyway the harmless fetish of a normal person and it's not a gender identity disorder.  This is a sexual compulsion/paraphilia of a person with a personality disorder.  It is never too late to cut your losses. Sadly, as you said, he made it clear in the past "that he was going to do what he wanted to do and he didn't care how it made (you) feel".  He is obviously living up to that.

 

September 9, 2016 3:42 am  #7


Re: CD/TG husband--help

Tired,
I will write more in a day or 2 when I have time to tell you my story. I have the same issues as you. Married 25 yrs, husband went from almost zero events of CD, to more frequent, then after I caught him having a virtual affair with his highschool sweetheart, even sending her flowers from 3,000 km away ( he has NEVER sent me flowers in 25 yrs!), he blamed it on me because "He wasn't having any fun lately" Well, I bought it about 40%, enough to beat out the last bit of dignity I had left in myself & enough to give him a pass to dress more, go out in public fully dressed, attend events. It was the nail in the coffin for us looking back. CD's get a |Pink Fog| high, feeding off themselves, each other, the fantasy, the shopping. The more they dress, the more they want. I compare it to any other drug addiction. They are constantly searching for the next high. I have a garage, guest room, attic & 3 closets full of Tranny & CD crap.I reached a boiling point 15 yrs ago, have honestly been in a depression since then. It was when I discovered Transgender wishes & plans, transition friends, advice, info & his declarations to transition splattered proudly all over his secret social media accounts, texts, emails etc that I went ballistic. Your sexless marriage, how you described the little bit you did about the relationship & his attitude, is an exact mirror to my life.

I can honestly say, CD/TG's are the most selfish group in the LGBT scope. Like your husband, the married ones ALL have that , "I'll buy, do, wear, act, spend, occupy as much as I want & EFF YOU if you think u have a say in any of it because well, it makes me feel good & I have waited so long for this dream". They are worse than a spoiled selfish entitled teenage girl. It is no consolation I know, but your husband is not some unique selfish, ignorant, sexless, immature dick. They are ALL like that. You give them an inch, they take 100 miles & your last bit of self respect.

And once they have stepped over the "casual dresser" threshold, there is no turning back, no hitting the rewind button. The same advice is given to all newbies here & it is pertinent to your future & survival: get a lawyer, get your cards in order without saying a damn thing to him. Once he/they are told, "That's it, I'm not doing it anymore, we're divorcing" they bring out the big guns of deceit, abuse, hiding money! Like you, we also have businesses & it gets scary! Get it ALL organized ahead of telling him anything, including past years & current business financial records. His GIRLIE survival will be at stake & he will go ballistic if he thinks, after all these years of stifling down his desires, he is NOT going to be broke & unable to fulfill his very expensive dreams. You will go from his beard & puppet, to his evil gatekeeper of his long awaited life/

You have done NOTHING wrong, waiting for whatever length of time you did to do something, you've been played & manipulated all these years. Believe me, in a few weeks/months you will really start getting clarity & believe me, you will have many A HA! moments seeing how much he really did control you & his needs.

Be stealth, be smart, be loving & kind to yourself like you have been to your children. It will be SO different for you just around the corner.

Big Hugs to you.
Sham

I know, I said this was going to be short. It never is with me on here. I've kept all 25 yrs stuffed down  & not telling a single sole until recently. Kinda scary, but it feels very liberating calling my husband a deceitful cowardly dick on paper 
 

Last edited by whatasham24 (September 9, 2016 4:17 am)

 

September 9, 2016 4:09 am  #8


Re: CD/TG husband--help

Sun wrote:

Dear Tired. I feel for you and hope you can get away from him.  Have you read the article Retired&Lost posted on her thread about getting away from a narcissist?  My ex was a CDer, too.  This is not in anyway the harmless fetish of a normal person and it's not a gender identity disorder.  This is a sexual compulsion/paraphilia of a person with a personality disorder.  It is never too late to cut your losses. Sadly, as you said, he made it clear in the past "that he was going to do what he wanted to do and he didn't care how it made (you) feel".  He is obviously living up to that.

You are SO right. It pisses me off & makes me sad all at the same time to see so much therapy out there that focuses on helping them BECOME their fantasy instead of digging deeper to see why! Beyond "feeling like a woman inside". It can't be that simple. How is it some men can stick to the odd pantie session, then others go full on obsessed with themselves & their fantasy. How is it any different than someone who identifies as a rabbit, or a baby or fucking pokemon?! All those others would be labeled personality disorder, but TG? Well, step right up & get your transitioning starter kit & book in your surgery!

What makes me laugh is that they are the complete OPPOSITE of what REAL woman look & act like. I don't know one single woman that talks all "Hey gurl, love the shoes! & that Dress! Simply gorg darling!" Seriously?! Nor do we wear 40 lbs of makeup, false eyelashes, a polka dot dress & high heels 24/7, hang out & take pictures of our pedicure, fishnets & heels, then post them on FB. They want to become their FANTASY of what a woman is, not a real woman. Hell, they'd spend a month as a real 30 y/o working woman with 3 kids, a husband, sick parents, no maid, no lawnboy & zero money in the budget for an exploding-at-the-seams wardrobe.....and they'd pack that fantasy up so fast & never look back! I want to slap my husband up the head when he spends 4-5 hrs getting ready & tries (unsuccessfully )to make a 6'4" frame look coy & flirtatious & all Southern Belle. No different than a 3 year old not wanting to retire his spiderman costume well after halloween, playing that shit out every chance he gets. 

 

September 9, 2016 6:36 am  #9


Re: CD/TG husband--help

Whatasham,

So sorry..so very sorry for you.
I cannot imagine what it is like but I agree that it's not what you signed up for when you married.
I have no idea how to help other than to start planning your exit.
Whether it takes one year or 5 years set goal to get out of the TG/TGT/Hell.
As my therapist said your in hell for now.  Your being mistreated for now.
Even the bible says we must go through the valley.  But we should not make our home in the valley..we are not citizens of the TGT/TG/CD.. valley.
I say start your clawing your way out of the valley. Baby steps..

Ehugs

Last edited by Rob (September 9, 2016 6:36 am)


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

September 9, 2016 12:21 pm  #10


Re: CD/TG husband--help

The thing that stands out to me is that you see your husband's behavior as being reflective of who YOU are (to the kids, friends, family and public).  That's not the truth, hon.  He could go full out Caitlyn Jenner after you decide to leave, and his behaviors would be his OWN - NOT reflective on you in any way.  As a matter of fact, it's much easier to see his behavior as his own once you two are no longer living together in one union.  Right now you staying with him while he does these things is showing what you're willing to put up with.  But honestly, after you two separate, all his poor behavior just makes you look that much smarter for having left.  No one is saying that Caitlyn Jenner's actions are reflective on Kris Kardashian Jenner.  They understand more and more as time has revealed the depth of his sexual confusion and transition just how difficult it must have been for Kris until they separated.  The more glaring their behavior after you separate, the more people agree with you for having left that train wreck of a situation.  It's actually more difficult when they hide their entire gay / trans lives from the public, because although people have no right to judge you for leaving your own marriage, they cannot see what it was that made you leave what looked to be an ideal union from the outside.

Change is difficult.  But once you've decided to face the fear and look it in the eye and move forward anyway, it can be exciting to be the author of your own story vs. just a character in his.  You don't have to see the entire pathway to know the next step.  Just keep stepping and you'll eventually wind up somewhere else.

Best wishes to you -

Kel


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

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