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1 - blankspace2
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So hurt and confused..
I discovered graphic text messages that my boyfriend of 3 years exchanged with another man. He eventually confessed that he is bi. I think I am still in shock. I really need some kind of support to figure things out, even though I know it will take time.
He says that if I can accept him, he has no need to be with anyone else. That he will prove it and show me I am all that he needs. He says he was only talking to this person because he has been carrying this secret for ten years and it was the only way he knew how to deal with it. To not feel the pressure of hiding. I am now the only person who knows, which feels like such a big burden to carry someone else’s secret when it has turned your life upside down. He has been with men in the past. I’m not sure how many. But he has always dated women, and says he has never had the desire to date a man and that it’s only physical.
The worst part for me right now is that it’s not about accepting him..it’s the infidelity and the lies and constantly wondering if he is telling me the truth, or only telling me things because he got caught.
I feel so alone. I can’t even tell my close family or friends what’s going on. I am even judging myself for thinking we can move forward. I am so confused on how to process any of this.
It’s heartbreaking to see someone you love so deeply going through such self hate. But I’m terrified if he can accept himself, that I’ll have gone through this for nothing and one day it will be over or he will cheat again.
Thanks all for listening. So grateful for having found this community.
Last edited by blankspace2 (March 31, 2019 12:22 pm)
- Lake Breeze
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Re: So hurt and confused..
This is blunt and I am sorry if that is too much for you, but I wouldn't buy what he is saying. It sounds like your gut knows where this is going. Listen to your gut. (I am dealing with breast cancer now, so haven't been on here much. Very anemic from treatment, so no energy to get on here much or to be "delicate" and offer lots of explanation when I do come here.)
I am so sorry that this is happening to you and wish you nothing but a positive future. It is a nightmare to be in the situation you are in. It will get better. Just keep listening to your gut.
"Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive!" - Sir Walter Scott
- Lynne
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Re: So hurt and confused..
Deleted.
Last edited by Lynne (October 3, 2020 5:54 pm)
- lily
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Re: So hurt and confused..
"so hurt and confused" - that says it all.
I can only second what Lake Breeze said (sorry to hear about the health issues and wishing you the best).
Listen to your gut feeling. If you are all he needs then why the texting with another man in the first place? You found him out. But it's been flipped into being up to you to accept him when he is the one walking out on you.
He is saying he wants you to keep his secret and certainly it was like that with my ex - more than anything else, that really was what he wanted.
In the end I found it was better to simply step away. And was surprised to find despite it all, that I felt better as soon as I did.
look after yourself, wishing you all the best, Lily
- Daryl
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Re: So hurt and confused..
Hello blankspace, everything you are thinking and feeling is quite understandable. This is a bombshell you were not anticipating but I do think you need to talk to someone. Maybe there's a SSN group near you? ()
This was hidden from you for at least three years. How much longer might it have been except for your discovery? As Lily mentions, this deliberate omission of his has been turned into your problem to solve by accepting him, even though he's the one who is at fault here. He says it's due to the pressure of hiding yet he wants you to keep the secret so he can keep hiding? This is called being a beard. Now these few words are a big red flag to me "it's only physical". This has been used by many of our partners to justify their actions (past, present and future) and avoid guilt and you are supposed to accept this same definition of fidelity?
What might you say if your best friend confided this to you? You have much to think about here. Best wishes!
p.s. - best wishes, strength and health to Lake Breeze. Take care of yourself.
“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
- blankspace2
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Re: So hurt and confused..
Thank you everyone. Even though most of these responses are hard to hear, I appreciate the honesty and support.
I have contacted the SSN representative near me and have also gone to see a counselor to help me sort through all of this. I hope I will get some clarity sometime soon.
Any other advice is so welcome
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Thread Starter- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: So hurt and confused..
Blankspace....I'm sure you're not a blank space 
but you need to unburden yourself and talk to somebody. Family, close friend....but you can't keep his secret to yourself. That will be soul-destroying
KIA KAHA
- blankspace2
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Re: So hurt and confused..
Thank you. I hope I can find the strength to do that sometime soon.
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Thread Starter- Daryl
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Re: So hurt and confused..
Always keep in mind that this is not your fault. You didn't create this. Time will bring clarity. In the meantime be kind to yourself.
“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
- Whirligig
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Re: So hurt and confused..
I'm so sorry 'space for your painful discovery. I can relate very much to your feelings of being deceived and then feeling obligated to keep the secret of someone you care for to your detriment.
As someone who was lied to in the process of getting to know someone I was interested in dating I can relate to your wondering if you could work it out. You care about them. You are compassionate. Of course you don't want to abandon someone you love who says they love you when they are struggling...but would you tolerate cheating if they were straight?
Do you want to commit to someone who is unlikely to be able to commit to you in the way you deserve? Who has proven already that they can't? I want better for you. And better for me too.
Wishing you the best whatever decisions you make. I'm sorry. I know how badly this hurts. I'm slowly beginning to feel that I've had a narrow escape. It didn't feel like that at first. Reading some of the threads has really put that into perspective for me on the bad days when I feel lonely and sad. Best of luck.