The question I asked myself when at this point in the process was:  Can I live with someone who made a choice to lie about who they really are?

Mimi wrote:

........Regarding his sexuality, it’ll be a matter of time where he can’t not act on it. Why wouldn’t he? I’ll spend the rest of my life not feeling wanted.

 

This is why we...the straightspouse....work on ourselves, and stop focusing on the people who have hurt us. Because if and when they do "act on it".....we will be ready. 
I think part of the 'glue' that keeps me in a r'ship that has changed so much it's unrecognisable is the strength I have to want to preserve something that was once perfect. 
 

What Kaylamarie said.

The tricky thing about the "open marriage" question is, how much free will do you actually have, once you're at the point of addressing this question.

If you are single, and contemplating marriage,. and you are asked "what's your preference, having an open marriage or a traditional monogamous marriage?"  Well, so some people would respond "I want an open marriage."  Nobody could fault you for making that choice free of coercion.  

But most of us aren't being given the choice between a monogamous marriage and an open marriage.  We're being asked to choose between an open marriage and a divorce, and divorce can impose extraordinary financial penalties on us.  

When I first came on this site, I thought I was going to try and make a go of it having an open marriage.  Over time, I learned more about my husband's activities.  I also gradually came to educate myself about the state of my finances.  I was never really in a position to look at my future realistically and understand what I was getting into, financially, but I also came to understand that I couldn't continue in a fake marriage.

I came to the decision that I wanted a divorce, but I would never dream of passing judgment on anyone who chose another path.  For me, this came down to a financial question: can I afford to divorce.  I'm going to lose my husband's employer-based health insurance; I'll have to pay over a thousand dollars a month of my spousal support just to keep healthy.  That's the kind of thing I started to look at, not "am I okay with an open marriage" because I knew perfectly well I wouldn't choose an open marriage over a monogamous one.  My husband wanted me to choose the open marriage at a point where any other choice would be financially devastating to me.

Hello Mimi, I love reading your posts because it is really similar to my own story.  It s been a while since I have not posted here as I needed some time to think and reflect.  I realized several things, once we found teh evidence related to the gay thing, we fell in fear.  We re afraid all our life was a lie and we start thinking and acting out of fear.  Nothing good can come out of fear.

Now you need to understand that there. not only one person afraid here.  Your husband is also scared he might loose you and everything you built together.

You have no business getting into an open marriage if this is not what you signed up for.  What you need to ask your man. is proof of his commitment to YOU and only YOU.

For example, If you re not comfortable with him watching gay porn (Ideally any kind of porn), he needs to demonstrate that he s trying to avoid that. etc...

You and you therapist can't fix your husband, but if he is really committed to your relationship, he will do whatever it takes and get teh help he needs.

I think that s the only ultimatum we need to give our gay spouses, go figure out if there are really committed to the relationship and take action to save it.  You should list what will make you feel comfortable but you need to wait for him to tell you first what he want to commit to and how he will demonstrate that.  Then you'll add whatever you need that s not on the list.

Based on that you ll have a base to determine of you re making progress or not.  It will require you to determine how much intimacy you can have at this point too.  But set your boundaries.

One thing my therapist made me realize is that I have been expecting my husband to tell me the entire truth but it was too hard for me.  I realized that he actually told me the truth in indirect ways.  So think again about the conversations you ve had with your husband.  If he s admitting he s doing something wrong and is willing to get help by himself because of his commitment to you this might work.  If not you ll have to decide what are your best options.  

The last thing I would advise is to take care of yourself, as much as you can. If you re in a bad shape you can t think straight and decide what s best for you.

Take care.  Wish you much love and light