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March 20, 2019 4:17 pm  #1


What, when and how to tell the kids?

My husband asked for a divorce but didn't give a reason why. Soon after, I found evidence that he is gay and has been sexually active with men for many years...to my complete shock. Now, I know. He doesn't want to tell our teenage daughters. I told him I will tell them if he doesn't...he only gets angry and refuses to talk about it. 
 
What, when, how and WHO should tell the kids that daddy is gay and has been living a double life for years?

Last edited by StraightTruth (March 20, 2019 4:49 pm)

 

March 20, 2019 4:43 pm  #2


Re: What, when and how to tell the kids?

My GH admitted to me (after 32 yrs of marriage) of his same sex attraction & other inappropriate behaviors!  I told my 3 adult children as soon as I received this news. They are smart enough to know their parents were not looking at a divorce after all these years for no reason. I’m of the opinion that if the kids are of a reasonable age to tell the truth, they should be told. I feel it is just as much my story to tell as his. I’m not staying quiet about it so he can lead a secret life while I just sit there in pain! 

Good luck.

 

March 20, 2019 5:00 pm  #3


Re: What, when and how to tell the kids?

I told 3 of my adult children within a few months. Their father/stepfather doesn't/won't talk about it


KIA KAHA                       
 

March 21, 2019 4:22 pm  #4


Re: What, when and how to tell the kids?

This is an area of real concern for me -- my kids are still at home, 14 and 17. I don't know how I will handle telling them about things. I know that they have some suspicions of their own. I have heard them make comments about how their parents never have any public displays of affection. I joked about embarasing my kids at a restaurant. They were there with friends, and my wife and I were picking up some takeout. I told my kids my wife and I would make out at the restaurant and they came back with "you don't do that at home, no chance you'd do it in public at a restaurant."

I do not know how I will navigate those waters. How much do I tell them? If I don't tell them, they will most likely be led to believe that it was my fault.

It really stinks that as the straight ones we often end up getting the rap as the bad guy -- the one who ended the marriage. Our spouses would be content to live the rest of their lives a lie regardless of the impact that it has on us and our well being. My wife knows that my depression is rooted in this lie but she has never done anything about it. Once she said that if I just needed to end the marriage for my personal needs that she would support it. But again, it was MY issue that required the split, it had nothing to do with the fact that she did not disclose her same sex attraction while we were dating before we got married.

 

March 21, 2019 6:35 pm  #5


Re: What, when and how to tell the kids?

telling the children is such an impossible topic to give advice on - so many variables and it really has to be you who works out what you want to do.  Things that have been said over and over here - good for the kids to know, watch out for gay spouse spinning a line and alienating them from you, but it seems very difficult to stop that if it's on the cards.

From what you are saying, Davin, your children are quite savvy as to what is going on in your marriage.  Why not corroborate their understanding?  

 

March 22, 2019 3:25 pm  #6


Re: What, when and how to tell the kids?

I know that is a challenge, and sadly your husband isn't willing to come out about it.  I would suggest to try to bring it up with them in a softer way (rather than a "if you don't tell them, I will"), maybe try to broach the subject with how much you both love your kids, that as teenagers (I'm guessing) they are able to handle the truth of their parent's sexuality and why their parents are getting divorced.  It's best as you know if both of you can be on the same page when communicating with your kids about these difficult topics.  Wish you the best to navigate those waters, if that fails, maybe seeking a third party counselor or moderator can help get the perspective and concern across.  I know in my own situation, having a third party was very useful as my former spouse was extremely combative and did not want to do anything I suggested or said.

 

March 24, 2019 6:51 pm  #7


Re: What, when and how to tell the kids?

StraightTruth: I feel very strongly that kids need to be told, because they're going to find out sooner or later and when that happens they'll be more angry over the extensive lying than they are over the sexual aspects.

I did what you did: I told my husband that it would be better if our daughter heard it from him, but if he didn't tell her by a certain date, I was going to do it.  He was a coward, and I ended up telling her myself.

At the time, my daughter was in her senior year of college so I did wait until after graduation.  I was worried that she may have had her own suspicions, and I was worried that she knew a lot more and was lying to me to protect me.  I didn't want to put her in that position.  I also didn't want her to find out by accident at the worst possible time in the worst possible way, and then blame me for lying to her.

I also didn't want to put her in a position where she'd have to lie in public or to her own support network, so before I told her, I told my immediate family and friends.  When it came time to tell her, that meant she didn't have to come up with cover stories and all.

Last edited by walkbymyself (March 24, 2019 6:52 pm)

 

March 25, 2019 7:06 pm  #8


Re: What, when and how to tell the kids?

Davin wrote:

This is an area of real concern for me -- my kids are still at home, 14 and 17. I don't know how I will handle telling them about things. I know that they have some suspicions of their own. I have heard them make comments about how their parents never have any public displays of affection.

Davin, my daughter is now 23, but I know for a fact that when she was little, it really, really bothered her that my husband wouldn't do things like hold my hand, or put his arm around me, in public.  She may have been only six or seven, but I can remember her almost stage-managing us: "Dadda, put your arm around Mamma.  Now move your chair closer to her."  I know it really bothered her.

I actually remember when other male family friends were around, and they would show affection toward me (like by putting an arm around my shoulders) I could feel her staring at me, because she'd never actually seen me being the object of love like that.

When she learned that he was gay, this is one of the things she confronted him over.  She told him that all her life, the only relationships that had been modeled to her had been us, and she grew up thinking and feeling that it was normal for a husband to be uncomfortable with affection, and now that she is an adult those are the relationships she's felt most at home in: where the guy is uncomfortable and doesn't want to show affection.  I told her nearly a year ago, and she's still really angry with him.

In a normal divorce (whatever that is) people try not to involve the kids, but I've learned from my daughter herself: this is also her origin story, and she has a right to know and to be angry on her own behalf.
 

 

March 26, 2019 6:42 am  #9


Re: What, when and how to tell the kids?

As far as I know neither or my parents were gay but like yours I never saw physical affection between them. I think that made it easier for me to accept the lack of physical affection before and after marriage to my gay ex as normal.

I don't think that the sex ed books my mother gave me said anything about women being attracted to women or men to men. I believe that this is so important for teenagers to know as well as that some date and marry the opposite sex as covers. Desires matter and should be acknowledged as a fact of life.

Please be honest with your children about the reason for the break-up in your marriage.  It may help them avoid their own doomed relationships.
 


Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.
 

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