Roo, of course you are upset.  This is pretty awful.

Your question is, is this any way for a BI man to act?

This is the wrong question of course.  However, the answer to the question you asked is “maybe.”  Only he decides how to label himself officially, even if the label seems wrong or an outright self delusion, even if the label goes against our reality.  Also, what does BI mean? Does it reflect a lifetime of sexual experiences? it his way of reconciling that he is married to a woman but really wants men for sex?  Is BI about sexual preference, and monogamy another preference—meaning, is this a man who may be able to do it with both genders, but will never be satisfied with one partner no matter who it is?  BI is a big old rabbit hole that I also have been trying to find clarity about. BI means whatever the person wants it  to mean. It is about them and not about you. So I would say:

You are totally asking the wrong question, here.  It does not matter if he is bi or gay or alien or plant animal mineral:  ultimately, is he treating you the way you are worth?

No.  He is not.  You are worth more than that.  He is treating you like you do not matter.  He is using you.  He tells you he is bi, and sure maybe he is, in some way, based on his life experiences, or his self interested wording.  But by telling you that, he is always leaving  the door open to discarding you, and then can tell you it was not really cheating “because I couldn’t help it  and you knew about it dearie.”  Just by placing  the ad, he is discarding you.

Roo:  Do you have an open relationship?  Do you WANT an open relationship?  Does this man treat you like you  matter?  Does he treat you with love?

If it bothers you enough to post here, then that is a good sign this is not what you want.  Of course he is going behind your back.  He can tell you this is just an ad.  Just a fantasy. But the ad is behind your back.  And even if this ad does not mean he actually has hooked up again, what does that matter?  He wants to hook up.  He is fantasizing about hooking up.  He is fantasizing about orgies and talking dirty about lots and lots of men.  None of them are you.  He is sneaky and you are having to play the policeman.  What is the line that is ok for him to cross?

He is treating you horribly.  He strings you along and cares nothing for your feelings. He is always “looking for the other.”  He is not looking toward you.

Do you want that?  How does it feel when we learn our spouses do not truly love us? They might say I love you, sometimes, but they are not treating us with love.

What are you worth?
No spouse deserves to be treated with this kind of disrespect, and the bigger disrespect is when he tells you: it is not a big deal and he loves you and you are over reacting and this is just who he is, blah blah blah.

I think it  is Abby on this forum who says she finally decided to tell herself, “It does not matter what he is, he is not for me.”

I am sure my words are stern in tone—and they are stern because I need to hear them said toward me.  Some of the details of your experience are different than mine, but the similarities here really hit me.

Everyone deserves to be treated with kindness.  Those who pledge to love us should be the kindest of all.  When they say they love us as a way to just be totally selfish, that is destructive. It is disorienting. It is using you and caring nothing for how you feel, for you as a person.  It  is all about him. His sexual fantasies are more important to him than you being able to live in a place of emotional safety and knowing what your life is.  So what if this is his sexual orientation?  He is proving to you—again—that you do not matter to him.

Last edited by OnMyOwnTwoFeet (March 17, 2019 10:47 am)

Roo wrote:

Hi everyone! I know I don't come on here often. I think it's a mistake to put this whole situation in the back of my mind.........

 

Just remember Roo.....you're walking your path, not mine or anyone else'. You will get to a better place. 

The disconnect we have with the men we can't seem to make a final break from is, I have to believe, making us stronger not weaker.
 

Good Lord Roo, that profile makes me want to wretch. I’m so sorry you are feeling stuck but quite honestly I don’t know how you can stay. He’s gross. And clearly also into drugs.

Roo can you write out the top 3 things that are making you stay? Maybe we can help you deconstruct your fears. Not a single person here who left this kind of situation can say they don’t feel a million times better. Your fears for the future are massively confounded by this mindfuckery.

OMG Roo, copy, print and save everything you can and get to a lawyer ASAP! It doesn't matter if it's a no- fault State or not, that MF is putting your health at risk! The mental abuse is an additional factor. You WILL survive this financially and be so much better off once you have that freak out of your life! You will not be alone because there will be so many people reaching out to you when you open yourself up to others about what's going on. TRUST ME! We all care for you and have your best interests at heart. 
You know how to reach out and have the info you need.