OMOTF,

Sure it makes sense..as I went through this I told myself I did not want to become mean like her.
I would not want and could not  be cruel or unkind to the person I loved so much.   This is a hard thing to do when they are cheating on you and hurting you. 

What I noticed and im sure you all have too is when we empaths stick up even a tiny bit for ourselves the wrath and response from them is disproportionate to how we treat them.  For example,i was called evil when I said that no, I would not move out but still pay for her to live in our house.  I was expected to keep giving my stoic loyalty and reliability.

Its hard for us people who feel bad buying a cup of coffee for ourselves to suddenly say "I matter"...  It feels selfish.

But what i found was , with her being so  cruel to me, was if i was not kind to myself who would be?   I am such a kind person..i decided she no longer deserved the fierce kindness I possessed..she had forfeited all rights and privileges to not just things like money but also to my stoic kindness, compassion and empathy.   
I decided to give those things to myself..because my kids needed a sane dad...an unabused dad.  This did not mean i would be mean and cruel to her..rather some things I would no longer join her in hurting me..

It is hard for us empaths.   To her i was mean and cruel..ie how dare you buy a cup of coffee for yourself..see how horrible  you are...
But the reality is we gave to them unselfishly for years .it is second nature for us to always put them and the kids first.

Another last example ..she may think I maliciously opened a checking account or hired a lawyer..but i cried the entire time doing both...it was not in my nature and i took no pleasure in doing either.  She did not see or care about my tears and shaking hands as I tried to sign papers.

I urge everyone...it feels foreign but it is necessary and it is just.  I do not think God wants us to be in an abusive relationship and to join our abuser in hurting ourselves.  Take some of that kindness and love and give it back to yourself.  I think you'll find you are not a bad person and deserve to be the recipient of love and kindness.

A lot of times straight men on this forum write in to tell women that it is not in fact "normal" for straight men to view gay porn.  
 This straight woman is telling you that it is not in fact normal for a woman to say she doesn't want sex anymore after she doesn't want any more children.  Nor is it normal for a straight woman to be more aroused by lesbian erotica than by sex with her husband.  

I experienced the stuck feeling.  The lament of the “lost years” the difficulty in finding joy around others living the dream that I thought I had.  The backlash of not living your spouses closet anymore or for putting up new boundaries.

Friends and family will come along they will offer comforting sentiments but reality is still hard. 

It’s hard having someone you cared for so much and gave so much for be replaced by someone you don’t want to be around and who is a continuous ongoing source of pain. 

In so many ways I’ve had the thought that I wish my spouse could of just passed on, at least then I would of been left with the memory of what we had, of what we built together...

... now so many of those memories now hurt or are being replaced by painful encounters with them.

Stress can push up closer to matters of faith or push us farther away.  In some ways I am grateful that my spouse didn’t pass on because them much of my anger would be directed at God and faith during this time has been comforting.

The most difficult thing is coming to a place where you believe and trust that these times of challenge will ultimately serve a greater purpose.  For me I want to believe but I see daily the impact all of this has had on my children and the life I wanted for them.  But I also know that though I cannot control much during this time I can control my own attitude.  That my children need me to be the best parent I can for them right now.

There’s a poem that’s offered me some comfort during the “down and stuck” moments.  I’ll share the last part of it here in case it offers anyone else some comfort as well:

“Come child - look up
If you loved me you would grieve
  But you would trust me.
Do you think there’s a limit to how much I love you?
Do you think for a moment that I stopped loving you?
But you still only rely on yourself - child, You must rely on me;
Ask my pardon - and get up quickly;

    ⁃    For you see, it’s not the falling in the mud that’s the worst - but staying there.”

My daily challenge right now is beleiving those words, that’s okay, because while I might have moments of feeling down and stuck in the mud I also know that this is all a journey and that my journey is not over yet.

Chump Lady, March 18, direct quote: "Mindfuckery keeps you stuck."  We all agonize over why we can't leave, as if it's us. Look beyond your own issues and consider the ways your spouse is fxxxing with your head.

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (March 19, 2019 5:24 pm)