Calamity,
  I wouldn't be at all surprised if your ex's (soon to be) venomous attacks on you were at least partly motivated by his envy of your femaleness.  Unlike our exes, who must convince themselves they're women, and ape Woman by outward show (clothes, makeup, unnatural and learned  gestures or ways of moving) and believe that makes them women, our femininity, our woman's way of moving in the world, comes naturally from within, and therefore is effortless for us.  My ex both envied and resented that in me, my effortless womanhood, even when he was proclaiming his love for my femaleness (although he styled me "butch," a style and sense of self that has never been mine, that undermined my own sense of myself as a woman, and which I eventually realized he pinned to me because it served his desire to be a girly-girl and therefore to cast me as his opposite).  
   What he did by attacking you over your weight was give voice to his envy and resentment, and to try to offload onto you his own anxieties about passing as a woman and feeling himself to be one after he transitions.  (Don't worry; take comfort in the research, which shows that transitioning does not in fact quell that anxiety; he will continue to feel it, and become more and more defensive about his status as a woman, demanding everyone acknowledge it.)  
    I felt something of what you do now, a lack of self confidence as a woman, full of doubt about my worth as a woman and my own desirability.  It's a result of what they've done to us and what they put us through.  I have found it useful to reclaim myself in a number of ways.  One, I found a photograph of myself that I liked, one in which I am nude, and 7 months pregnant, taken by a woman friend of mine who is an artist, and I looked at that photograph a lot for a little while, and I told myself, "That is what he wants for himself--but it's mine."  I allowed myself to feel a real "ha ha, it's mine and you can't have it" feeling.  In the run up to the divorce, whenever I had to meet with him, I would deliberately wear make up or nail varnish, to combat his charge that I was "butch," and I took a great satisfaction in its being a taunt, as well, because my ex is in the closet, and therefore doesn't let any thing of his "feminizing activities" be seen.  Petty, maybe, but something I needed to do to regain a little self respect after his devaluation of my femininity.
  Good luck tomorrow.  The whole court appearance is anti-climactic, as well as surreal.  Someone I knew who had been through a divorce told me to take someone with me, and you may want to do the same, but I went alone (my ex did not appear, at my request).  
  Congratulations on getting free from a soul killing situation.  And my sympathies that it was necessary.

Edited to add:  Your ex probably wanted you to feel as uneasy in your womanhood as he does in his...
And, Lily's suggestions are good ones.  I've cultivated new networks with friends, and we "do" for each other.  Single women, especially, understand the necessity of cooperative help--I also cook once a week for a friend who hates to cook.  She enjoys the company and the food (I always make enough for both of us to have an additional meal the next day), I get the benefit of cooking for someone, and we each step up in other ways when we need help.  I also catsit for other friends, who then pick up my mail when I'm gone.  

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (March 15, 2019 11:14 am)

Thank you everyone for the supportive words. Out, funny you should mention the make-up; I,too, tend towards very little make-up but in the aftermath of his claims that he knew what "normal" women did (and in support of his habits) I have found myself rebelling a bit. I can certainly wear make-up and looked perfectly good in it. It is mine.  In retrospect, I think for at least the past few years of our relationship he has wanted me to be what he wanted to be, not what he wanted me to be or what I wanted to be, if that makes any sense. To quote: "Your ex probably wanted you to feel as uneasy in your womanhood as he does in his."  Yes, I think this is true in part, maybe even only subconsciously.  I think he felt I had a natural advantage I simply made poor use of.  I could wear more make-up, but opted not to; I could wear heels, but opted not to.   You get the idea. I think his frustration with himself made him lash out at me. 

At first I swore I was going to drop 30lbs and get in phenomenal shape to spite him; but the realities of my body, life, and schedule are what they are and I quickly realized I needed more realistic expectations.  I am getting better at feeling good about myself and realizing that I am ok despite some of the things he said. I know his really devastating words came from deeper issues. Rob, thank you.  I really do want to be in better shape but know I can't hinge everything on "when I manage to...." 

I should have specified, but we actually got the in-person court hearing waived as we had already come to an agreement.  I was fortunate in this.  Now I just get the paperwork in the mail.  I have a host of things to do once I have the paperwork in hand - most involve trucking over to my employer's HR office. 

Prior to today I had a kind of dread in the pit of my stomach - this is all real now, no going back.  (As if I ever had any hope it somehow wasn't...)  In the end I had a pretty normal day at work, a really fun evening out, and am feeling ok.   When this all started I was very much of the mindset that it was one foot in front of the other.  Now I'm thinking it's still one foot in front of the other but also that the unknown future isn't as bad as either I had imagined or what was formerly on track to be.

A friend very thoughtfully arranged dinner out with several other friends on D-day.  I think it did me a world of good.  I felt supported, not alone, and had a great time.