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March 6, 2019 5:59 am  #1


How to move on but stay friends?

Just want to see if anyone has experience staying close with their ex? My partner and I love each other very much, but are finally accepting that he is gay, and we don't want a MOM. We live separately, talk every day, and see each other every other day. Is this a terrible idea? Or does anyone have experience with this working?

There is also one major problem: he is still sometimes seeing the guy (D) he fell in love with while we were still together. Their relationship was the cause of humiliation, lying, the worst pain I've ever experienced (I won't call it cheating, because I knew about it, etc.). We are doing well together with some space, but any time D comes up, I absolutely lose it. Part of me wants to tell him I can't be close with him while D is still in his life, but I hate the idea of giving an 'ultimatum'. Alternatively I could suggest we take more space and maybe even go no contact for some time. Anyone have experience that might help? Thank you!

 

March 6, 2019 3:29 pm  #2


Re: How to move on but stay friends?

lankylozenge wrote:

........
Then last month something strange happened. Was it a switch that flicked in my brain? Maybe. Perhaps it was just the healing balm of time finally starting to work. I don't really know. All I **do** know is that I stumbled across an article about "Radical Acceptance" which - in a nutshell - advocated for accepting reality whether you like that reality or not. The basic premise is that resisting or fighting against reality is what causes us the most misery, so by accepting it - whether we like or agree with it or not - we release ourselves from pain......

 

I didn't have a book....a concept....but I've found by telling myself there are some things I'll never change... by reinforcing within me that which I strongly believe in and being okay that sometimes forgiveness isn't deserved that my path through all this is clearer. 
But I will google "Radical Acceptance"..!
 


KIA KAHA                       
 

March 7, 2019 11:02 am  #3


Re: How to move on but stay friends?

Thanks for the input! Lately acceptance is working for me vis-a-vis his sexuality, but I can't get it to extend to his relationship! But I will read up on stoic philosophy and radical acceptance more and try to keep working on it. 

     Thread Starter
 

March 7, 2019 12:24 pm  #4


Re: How to move on but stay friends?

I appreciate the shout out to radical acceptance!  For one of my children's mental health needs, we have read some about radical acceptance.  I am no expert.  But one thing I appreciate from all that is the idea of “riding the waves.”  Like, you accept that you are in the ocean and that you are being pummeled by waves.  You accept that.  You also accept that other people are not in ocean and that does not seem fair, but they are where they are and you are in the ocean.  You still get swept off your feet sometimes, or your head is under water sometimes, or whatever.  But that is where you are, and the waves keep coming.  So you learn not to fight being in the ocean, and you learn not to fight the waves, and you even learn not to fight the fact that waves are there and not to fight the fact that this seems unfair. This is where you are.  This is where you are.  This is where you are.  So you learn to be there, and this is more achievable—to learn to be there—when you let go of your desire to not be there in the first place.

Last edited by OnMyOwnTwoFeet (March 7, 2019 12:26 pm)

 

March 7, 2019 2:56 pm  #5


Re: How to move on but stay friends?

I often find myself using the "ride the wave" analogy-it helps me to just hang with the moment. And also realizing that I do not have to decide anything right now.  It's okay to go one day at a time, doesn't have to be figured out right now...

 

March 8, 2019 2:29 am  #6


Re: How to move on but stay friends?

OnMyOwnTwoFeet wrote:

I Like, you accept that you are in the ocean and that you are being pummeled by waves. You accept that. You also accept that other people are not in ocean and that does not seem fair, but they are where they are and you are in the ocean. You still get swept off your feet sometimes, or your head is under water sometimes, or whatever. But that is where you are, and the waves keep coming. So you learn not to fight being in the ocean, and you learn not to fight the waves, and you even learn not to fight the fact that waves are there and not to fight the fact that this seems unfair. This is where you are. This is where you are. This is where you are. So you learn to be there, and this is more achievable—to learn to be there—when you let go of your desire to not be there in the first place.

Thanks for this. I have definitely bene riding the waves and acknowledging that, but sometimes I really do get sucked into the 'why me' narrative. Like I don't want to be on these stupid waves!? I think accepting that others, even my ex,  are not riding the same waves as me is a really good project for me to focus on. 

On a brighter note, I woke up for the first time without intense anxiety/fear/saddness. I opened my eyes, grabbed my giant stuffed animal, and just rolled over. That was a nice feeling
 

     Thread Starter
 

March 8, 2019 9:41 am  #7


Re: How to move on but stay friends?

I was working myself on forgiveness, before my wife's disclosure, for something else I felt I needed to forgive her for, and read Lee Baucom's "The Forgive Process" (on amazon). It completely turned around my idea of forgiveness as something you do for the other person, and made me to start to think about it as something I do for ME. They don't have to ask for forgiveness; you don't have to tell them you have forgiven them. 

But even if you flip the mainstream idea of forgiveness on its head, it's still a process - it still takes time, and commitment, and a desire and decision to walk the process. But I have come to firmly believe that forgiveness is not for the offender, but for the victim - to be able to release the pain they have had, and to start to see the offense done to them in a different way, whether or not the offender ever knows forgiveness has occurred.

If anyone is interested in the book, PM me, and I can "lend" it to you on kindle (or, as I said, you can get it on Amazon). I thought it was well worth a quick read, and I'll probably revisit it over and over again as I go through this process.

 

March 9, 2019 1:48 pm  #8


Re: How to move on but stay friends?

My GW and I were best friends. We truly enjoyed many of the same things, and truly enjoyed each other's company. That being said, in no way can I consider myself moving forward as "friends". Maybe at some point this could be possible, but she is the last person I want to be friends with right now. Resentment is all I feel when I see her. I would love to be bigger than this, but I'm not...

Great feedback from lankylozenge. Perhaps there are goals I can set for myself, with the first one being Radical Acceptance. And then maybe onto Trust, Forgiveness, and Friendship. I doubt I have those last three in me, but the first is something to reach for.

 

March 9, 2019 6:47 pm  #9


Re: How to move on but stay friends?

I had hoped that, at the end of the divorce process, my husband and I could remain friends.  I know he wants this, too.  We have a 23-year-old daughter, and we are still family even if he and I divorce.

Our daughter has been impacted by his deception, though, and she needs a lot more time before she can fully be in his life.  I have good days and bad days.  I don't know for certain whether I'll really want to be friends after the dust settles.

 

March 9, 2019 8:11 pm  #10


Re: How to move on but stay friends?

I don't think that you can be friends in the way that you were before because both of you have changed. I think you need to have your own space and time to sort out what your relationship will be and that how you will get along in the future will depend on how  at peace you have become and how your ex is behaving.

The turning point will be when you believe that you are better off now than you were with him. Your health improves and why shouldn't it: you have literally lost 150, 200 or more pounds because you are no longer carrying him around in your head. 

Even under the best of circumstances it isn't healthy for you to let your ex be your best friend. There need to be boundaries. If you have children together you are always connected by them but do you really want to hear about the trip he and his boyfriend went on etc. You should have your own life that he doesn't need to follow. You don't need his opinions and it is too easy to fall back into old patterns.

 


Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.
 

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