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February 24, 2019 12:01 pm  #1


It’s not fair that I have to be the one to end it all

Its really not fair that all the pressure is on me to end the marriage. My GIDH begs me to stay and work on our marriage. What he doesn’t realize is that what he’s really asking me is to continue a friendship/ fake marriage. Empty promises that sooner or later will break. I sat there looking at him while he cried and apologized  and promised  that he will never hurt me again. Promised me that he is only bi and he will never act on it.

Now, I’ll be the monster for leaving such a great husband. In everyone’s eyes he is the perfect husband, and no one will ever know.

I think he knows me too well. He knows I can be manipulated by kind words and promises. For a second I thought to give him a chance, but then I thought even if he means what he says, nature will win.

I’m in a desperate state of mind again. It’s really not fair that not only I’m loosing the life I had planned, but I have to be the one to end it. Some days I’m stronger but today I’m in my lowest point.

Continue with MOM and wait for it to blow up in my face? End the marriage now and let him free as well? Make this decision for both of us? This limbo phase is torture.

Sorry I had to vent and you guys are the only people who understand.

 

February 24, 2019 12:08 pm  #2


Re: It’s not fair that I have to be the one to end it all

Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry you're going through all this.

You're not  the monster here.  I sometimes think we're all mistaken when we presume that we're fully grown up at age twenty-whatever; I see a lot of these gay spouses who think they know their own sexuality and think they're able to control the situation -- but I think their sexuality continues to evolve throughout their adult years, so guys who think they can manage a straight marriage at age, say, 28, don't understand that by the time they're 38 their same-sex urges are going to be crowding out their ability to maintain opposite-sex relationships.  They don't see they're still growing up, or that their sexuality is continuing to evolve in a certain way.  They think maybe once they turn 21 that's the adult they're going to be forever.

 

February 24, 2019 12:38 pm  #3


Re: It’s not fair that I have to be the one to end it all

Walkbymyself

Thank you so much. You said it very well. And at each stage of their life they find an excuse for themselves to be in denial. They think if they marry a woman, and just keep all their activities a secret, they are not really gay or bisexual. The messed up part is dragging us down this rabbit hole of lies and gaslighting and promises. He  loves me and thinks staying in this marriage is also a good decision for me too. Wish I could break this wall of denial for him.

Last edited by Mimi (February 24, 2019 12:39 pm)

     Thread Starter
 

February 24, 2019 1:12 pm  #4


Re: It’s not fair that I have to be the one to end it all

Mimi,
   You cannot "break this wall of denial for him."  All you can do is to decide what you want, what you think is important, and right, and then to act on your decision.  Until you reach the point you can let what he says and does go, and believe that it is okay for you to claim what you want, what you believe is healthy for you, you will stay in limbo. 
    I found that I had to remove myself from his presence in order to free myself from the pressure he was exerting on me to continue to live in what I knew was an untenable situation.  I did this first with a trip to see my family, second with several long month and a half stays away from our home, and third, by moving out into an apartment of my own (into which he has stepped only twice, when I first moved in, and only briefly then).  
   You might also ask yourself if a man who is willing you to drag you down the rabbit hole and ask you to live there with him, knowing how it's hurting you, can really love you.  It sounds to me as if he is making the mistake of thinking that what he thinks is good for you IS good for you. But he doesn't get to make that decision; you do.  
   

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (February 24, 2019 6:59 pm)

 

February 24, 2019 1:16 pm  #5


Re: It’s not fair that I have to be the one to end it all

Mimi wrote:

Its really not fair that all the pressure is on me to end the marriage.........

 

I'm the same Mimi. I feel intense pressure to do something, and I've realised he won't ever do anything so it's up to me to do it. I've also learned that it's pressure I'm putting on myself because he has no idea of the pressure I'm under because it's not something that concerns him. And I no longer bring the subject up anyway, it's a waste of time talking to him about it.
But Mimi the pressure is less when you can visualise exactly what the pressure is for.....a release, for the stress you're under. 
We're all here on the forum...talking to each other. Our stress-release on the path to a pressure-less life. You're correct...it's not fair. Nothing about this mindfuck is fair. See yourself as a woman on a mission, with a strength our husbands/partners don't possess.

Yesterday I talked to my oldest daughter about seeing a lawyer. One more step
 


KIA KAHA                       
 

February 24, 2019 3:39 pm  #6


Re: It’s not fair that I have to be the one to end it all

Im in this same place. Its so hard. Every day I feel different. I feel crazy.

 

February 24, 2019 4:08 pm  #7


Re: It’s not fair that I have to be the one to end it all

It's so unfair.  Couldn't agree more.  It's so unfair and impossibly hard -  we really do need help.  I still think with fondness for my lawyer - she really took my side, it was so helpful.

 

February 24, 2019 4:28 pm  #8


Re: It’s not fair that I have to be the one to end it all

Mimi, All,

Its a bad feeling.    I took some time to talk to a friend today about my trauma.

I know the feeling of distrust well;   are they going out shopping or having sex ?   The  distrust gnaws at you and penetrates all facets of your life..   ie..  they are sleeping should I check their phone or computer?     I would physically shake with trauma...not knowing what to believe ...but knowing in my bones she was cheating and hurting me.   

I think you're experiencing the enormous weight of TGT where there are no take backs once you know they have a same sex attraction.    Its an enormous lie they kept from us and is often covered in more lies.
Their word is no longer good ..  Their word,  now,  can be seen/felt to be woven in truths/untruths; ie..  yes the sky is blue today  but are you really meeting him/her for a beer or is it a date.    What is real and sincere and what is manelovent?

Why should we have to wonder what they are doing?   (what they are looking at, who they are talking to)  What kind a friend/spouse does this to a spouse?   

I urge you all to be kind your selves... gather strength and know that you're exactly where you need to be given what has been done/is being done  to you..   

 

Last edited by Rob (February 24, 2019 4:37 pm)


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

February 24, 2019 5:47 pm  #9


Re: It’s not fair that I have to be the one to end it all

Dear Mimi, 

It is NOT a fair situation.  He is just not owning his part of the problem.  I feel your pain.  My GIDX did the same.  It just would have been so much easier for me emotionally and mentally if he had actually admitted to wanting out of our marriage.  He had been unfaithful, so he was out of the terms of our marital contract many decades before.  But still he denied endlessly with the ole 'curiosity' chestnut they all seem to drag out, but it was only months after that he admitted to cottaging.  
So the likelihood is that your GIDH is or has been active. Would you still feel so bad if you knew for sure that was true?    I didn't, and like you, I felt like I was throwing away a perfectly good, if a bi-curious husband, but in the rear view mirror, I see that he was not.  A lack of genuine intimacy was a problem throughout our whole marriage.  And endless criticism of me when I had the temerity to complain about that or anything else became unbearable.  

Yes being divorced is scary, but so is living without intimacy and trust.  You are not doing a bad thing here.  He is expecting too much while giving too little.  A common experience for us all here I think...


 

 

February 25, 2019 1:37 pm  #10


Re: It’s not fair that I have to be the one to end it all

Thank you all so much for listening and for your comments. I’m so grateful for having this forum and you guys.

You are all right. As long as I’m stuck on what he is and his actions, I can’t move on. I feel like I need him to accept that this marriage is over. If someone really loves you, they wouldn’t want you to be in this state and would want the best for you. I want the best for him, but it seems that it’s only one way.

Sending you all virtual hugs and positive energy starting your week. Hopefully one of these days I post from a strong, positive place as well.

     Thread Starter
 

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