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September 1, 2016 9:46 pm  #1


Mixed Orientation Marriages - Pathways to Success

Making Mixed Orientation Marriage Work

For those who are asking how to make an MOM work, this link might prove useful. I just stumbled across it a few days ago. He writes clearly, seems reasonable, well-spoken and open-minded. He is quite careful to state that he is not a therapist or counselor, that what he writes and shares is based primarily on his own marriage, with feedback and input from others who have also made it work. So it is possible, depending on the individuals involved. He identifies as bi-sexual, and his wife as heterosexual, but he does include a section on homosexuality also.

http://mixedorientation.com
or search for "Mixed-Orientation Marriage, Pathways to Success"

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On Maintaining Friendship with the Ex

I also came across this website:

http://snippetsofwisdom.com

This site includes a video from a woman who describes how she and her children, along with her new husband, remained friends with her gay ex-husband and his new partner. Her name is Jan King, she has a website of her own, and a few books on Amazon.com too.

I thought this woman was especially inspiring. I do wish she had told a little more of her backstory.

===========

Is it possible to make this a "sticky" for people who come here looking for this information, to be able to point to it easily?

Last edited by BryonM (September 1, 2016 10:38 pm)


"I have given you my soul, leave me my name!"  - John Proctor, The Crucible
"Question everything you've been told; hold fast to what is true and good." - I Thessalonians 5:21
 
 

September 2, 2016 4:47 am  #2


Re: Mixed Orientation Marriages - Pathways to Success

Remain friends with my gay ex??

But she is not my friend..she was not even a good roomate.  A stranger that lies and steals would have been kinder.

I know the right thing to do is forgive and forget.. but horrible things were done to me...it takes super human faith and strength to suddenly be friends..I certainly don't want to subject myself to the abuse again so I can say how forgiving I am.  I don't hate her..but I cant live with her.


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

September 2, 2016 10:28 am  #3


Re: Mixed Orientation Marriages - Pathways to Success

Interesting read. Howrver the author focusses on sex. Saying that sex isnt the reason we got married so why should the whole relationship hinge on that factor. He mentions not throwing the baby out with the bath water. 

He seems to miss the point that I'm not leaving my marriage because of "sex" im leaving because of years of lying, cheating,  gas lightning, and general dishonesty.

Just because the attraction is same sex doesn't give it a free ride.

If you have a spouse that is open from day one and admits this side of themself then that's a choice you can make. Its different than being blindsided and haveing your whole life crumble into a lie.

Why should someone be able to have their cake and eat it. Does that give Me the right to say well I have a short dark man at home so I'm going to have sex with a tall blonde man. Its OK because I don't have one of those at home! Whenever did the gender of the person you are cheating with make cheating OK.   

Should the price you pay for a "happy" spouse it to share the most intimate part of marriage?

Just my thoughts.

 

September 2, 2016 1:41 pm  #4


Re: Mixed Orientation Marriages - Pathways to Success

Well I, for one, am crying bullshit.  Marriage is, by its very nature, monogamous.  Now, I suppose if you entered into marriage with the agreement that you were leaving off the vows of "forsaking all others", then you could do what you wanted there.  But.... then what would be the point of marrying?  Marrying is a committed one-on-one relationship.  We acknowledge this in society by not allowing you to marry more than one person at a time.  That means that you cannot and will not be permitted to have a one-on-one relationship with more than one person.  It's..... impossible.

Monogamy isn't just sexual, but it as at LEAST sexual.  Which is why so many people struggle within their marriage today -  especially with today's electronic world.  The perpetrator will say that what they're doing isn't technically sex, therefore it's not technically cheating.  Which means that they acknowledge that sex outside the relationship is NOT allowed.  They are following the letter vs. the spirit of it.  Some people will do the opposite - try to convince their partner that it's "just sex - I don't LOVE that other person".  (this isn't really following the spirit of the law, but it's an attempt to look as though they are.)  Bottom line is that monogamy is both sex and more.  It's drawing the line at a place where both you and you spouse feels is respectful and jointly agreed upon.  It doesn't and shouldn't mean that he is allowed to do things that she is not, or vice versa.  What's good for the goose is good for the gander, as the saying goes.

So.... if the hard line of monogamy is drawn at sex, then HOW can you have sex outside your marriage - even with permission - and still have it be considered a marriage?  This is not to say that you aren't married if you cheat - that cheating nullifies the cheater's vow of monogamy.  But it may as well - we all know that once sexual cheating occurs, you have the right to back out of the relationship.  Even the church makes this concession - even GOD does.  Because it in essence nullifies the cheated upon partner's obligation to remain in the union that has been breeched.

If you want a relationship that is non monogamous, then  DON'T.GET.MARRIED.  It's pretty simple.  Marriage is vowed, perpetual monogamy until death.  Not until one of you decides that they find others attractive and feel that sleeping with them is a "need to explore".  That's just bullshit with a bow on it.  And it should be viewed as such.  I cannot see one.single.circumstance under which non monogamy is good for a marriage.  Even "swinging".  If something is precious to you, you cleave it to your heart.  You do not share your monogamous partner and say that's cherishing them.  You don't pass a baby around for others to all stick their dirty fingers in its mouth, either.  You do neither of these things if you love the other person.  It doesn't matter if it satisfies the baby, or the individuals sticking their fingers in the baby's mouth - it's not good for the baby, and your job is to love and protect the baby if you love it.  To do what's best for the baby.  Monogamy is the baby of a marriage, along with respect, love, protection and cherishing.  There is no way to have a great marriage without all of these.  And there is nothing that should be allowed in the marriage that doesn't meet these requirements.  Therefore, how can you share your spouse with another and call that love?  How can you ask your spouse to let you share your body with others and have that be respectful to them?  YOU.CAN'T.

It may "work" for some people.  So does living in an abusive relationship, but it's not healthy.  It's not good.  Just because you make something work doesn't mean it SHOULD.  I maintain that an open relationship isn't a marriage.  And it shouldn't be accepted as such.  Get a divorce and decide to be roommates if that works.  But be honest.

Kel
 


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

September 5, 2016 12:28 pm  #5


Re: Mixed Orientation Marriages - Pathways to Success

I am a little confused at the vitriol that is being spouted here. I am new to the forum and to being a straight spouse. If this is a place for straight spouses to find support, I think all paths should be validated. It seems to me the name of this group should be the straight ex spouse network.My marriage is a real marriage even though I am considering opening it up for my ssa husband. I do love him. I know he has felt imprisoned by monogamy and I know he had no intention of hurting me. Although my idea of marriage included monogamy, I am choosing him and what we have built together for 25 years. Does it hurt, yes. Is it frightening, yes. Are there risks, yes. But, it is the path I am choosing. Please don't invalidate it. I certainly understand why many choose to divorce and would never judge anyone for not being able to navigate a MOM. I'm not positive we will make it...but I am going to give it my best shot. Hopefully this is a place where I can find support, but maybe it isn't the group for me.

 

September 5, 2016 6:12 pm  #6


Re: Mixed Orientation Marriages - Pathways to Success

"Vitroil" is defined as cruel and bitter criticism.  I've stated my opinion about what marriage is, and how non monomagy and marriage aren't compatible.  Nowhere was I cruel (defined as willfully causing pain or suffering to others) or bitter (defined as angry, hurt or resentful because of one's bad experience). Neither of those is true in this case. I have an opinion that is at odds with your current hopes with regards to marriage and monogamy.  That's.it.

You have every right to have your own opinions and hopes with regards to monogamy and your own marriage. My beliefs don't impact you unless they make you think differently about your own situation.  You can choose not to let that happen,though.

It's my personal feeling that the open marraiges often proposed by the gay spouse is not something that the straight spouse wants, but they do as a last-ditch effort to save their unhealthy relationship.  Oftentimes I see st8 spouses say that they're doing it as a sort of gift to their partner.  Almost as if monogamy and non-monogamy are equal, and one of then has to take, and the other has to give.  One has to sacrifice, and it may as well be them sacrificing monogamy than their gay spouse sacrificing being sexually fulfilled.  The two aren't equal within a marriage, though; monogamy is detrimental to a marriage, ands non-monogamy is destructive.  The relationship itself sacrifices much more when monogamy is offered up as the sacrifice.

JUST my opinions.  Said without vitroil.

Kel


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

September 6, 2016 5:37 pm  #7


Re: Mixed Orientation Marriages - Pathways to Success

Leslie wrote:

I am a little confused at the vitriol that is being spouted here.......... It seems to me the name of this group should be the straight ex spouse network..

i would offer the substitution to EX as "enlightened". I have been where you are 15+ years ago Leslie. I understand the  turn off of positions stated here. been there, same reaction as yours. I have come to believe now, now that I too have arrived at this position as an "EX" instead of MOM, that what turned me off before & was so "offensive & Unwilling to bend", was the simple fact that it was NOT what I wanted to hear, it did not treat me with kitten gloves & tell me "Yes Sham! You are 100% right to want to help fulfill your spouse's needs, at the sake of your own!". In a nutshell, it scared the living shit out of me & I was NOT ready to hear any convincing negative opinions because I was NOT READY FOR THE REPERCUSSIONS of my spouse leaving me, had I said "No thanks" to his crap being uncovered.. 

Also, there are an insane amount of forums, books, websites, tv shows etc etc that are from the position of PRO MOM & nary a site for those spouses who are not so pro because they are traumatized, hurt, exhausted, beaten up & a zillion other negative outcomes. Or perhaps they tried to be MOM & it didn't work out. The latter group surely deserves at least ONE haven for support, non?

I wish you clarity, strength & that you find as much love for yourself as you have for your partner. Sincerely.
 

Last edited by whatasham24 (September 6, 2016 5:47 pm)

 

September 6, 2016 6:12 pm  #8


Re: Mixed Orientation Marriages - Pathways to Success

I had a revelation about this today, given all of the recent discussion here lately on this issue, and the need to feel as though I need to justify my feelings, anger, etc. I was in. MOM, for years, probably  30+. But here's the thing, I never knew I was, only he was privy to that little secret. The past several were horrific, with my begging for answers, all the while he had the answer, which he refused to give me. When I was finally done, my daughter began to share information with me that she had witnessed that she hadn't told me previously. He not only denied it, but he accused me of making it up to turn her against him. Despite this, in the beginning, I continued to try and give him the benefit of the doubt to try and salvage a relationship with his kids at least, that was very important to me. He kept digging in with them, and refused to give them the space they asked for. He was determined to keep his secret at all costs, including at the price of losing his kids. I could go on for days about his lack of character, but let me summarize by saying he now has pending legal charges for some despicable crimes. Our names have been dragged through the mud and back, and have been in the paper and on the news. So I think I have a right to some anger and come here on occasion to remember and validate that I am not the crazy one. That said, I'm not walking around bitter all day and am still a kind and caring person,and I'm starting to feel happy again getting myself out of that very unhealthy and unhappy marriage. I'm not letting this define the rest of my life, and I'm not a victim. So please don't judge me for my anger , you have NO idea.

 

September 6, 2016 6:21 pm  #9


Re: Mixed Orientation Marriages - Pathways to Success

And I realize that all of our experiences , although sharing the common denominator, are different.

 

September 6, 2016 8:24 pm  #10


Re: Mixed Orientation Marriages - Pathways to Success

Dee, I am in no way judging you for your anger
We are all entitled to every bit of anger we feel.And, as the previous post from whatasham suggests, ex or enlightened spouses do need a place for support. In looking through many posts on the forum I just saw ALOT of negative and very little support for what I am considering. I am fully aware that there is a good chance I may end up where many of you are, but I have to try something else first. And, even if we choose to divorce I don't think I would be into the gay shaming I see here. I have seen posts referring to husbands as "fairies" and other derogatory terms. My husbands ssa is not his fault and no matter how it hurts we have decided to treat one another with dignity and respect. Granted my husband has not cheated on me, he has not lied, nor has he denied how he feels. My experience is different. I think my question has been answered. Sadly, I don't think this is a place where I can find the support I so deparatwly need. I am sorry if I have offended anyone. My closing thought is that I hope we can all find happiness out of this dark place. Best wishes.

 

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