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1 of 1- lolita17
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Divorce advice
I finally told my GIDH that I want a divorce. Taking this decision while he s in denial and I don t have other proof than the gay porn and the condoms in his stuff is hard but all my bones are telling me that something is not right. And I want to honor that.
What I am struggling with is the next steps. I will leave the house because he was the one paying it and it s too expensive for me anyways. So although I 'd like to keep my young kids (4 and 8 yo) with me, I am also concerned about causing too much changes in their lives. I am a working mom, it will be hard but I can survive on my own if I find a good place for a decent price. I have not consult a lawyer yet but I ll need some advice in term of what is the best thing to do for child custody. I d like to share time between me and their father. If they stay here a lot of things are also easier because we live close to their school etc... Of course I can try to find a place in the same area but it can be a challenge.
Now I m scared that I probably talked too early about divorce with him because I am not ready. I am terrified at the idea that I could not have official custody of my kids If I don t have a proper place.
In my country there are 2 kinds of divorce. 1) When one of the partners is at fault, for example in case of adultery (Which won't be accepted in my case), the "victim" is automatically given custody of the kids. 2) Mutual agreement is when we don t have another specific reason than "we can't live" together, so here we have to negotiate.
I am also concerned in term of what to tell my kids, because they are so young and it breaks my heart that they will have to go through this.
For the one who already took that step, I d be curious to know how did you navigate through this ?
- OnMyOwnTwoFeet
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Re: Divorce advice
Lolita,
I hate to see your post just sit here with no one responding. I am not divorced, and I do not know the rules regarding divorce, especially in your country--and I don't know what country you are in. However, everything I have seen says how important it is for you to consult with an attorney before taking any action. This is especially true regarding your home and children. Although it may be difficult, please stay in your home until you know the legal implications. This may be extremely important regarding your custody of your children. "Mutual agreement" should not mean you get nothing. Leave yourself something to negotiate with--including your regular involvement in caring for your home and caring for your children. Just because your husband technically pays for the home does not mean you are not contributing to the home. You are contributing to household expenses of some kind or other, and that is part of "home." Please consult with an attorney before moving out.
- jkc1214
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Re: Divorce advice
OnMyOwnTwoFeet wrote:
Lolita,
I hate to see your post just sit here with no one responding. I am not divorced, and I do not know the rules regarding divorce, especially in your country--and I don't know what country you are in. However, everything I have seen says how important it is for you to consult with an attorney before taking any action. This is especially true regarding your home and children. Although it may be difficult, please stay in your home until you know the legal implications. This may be extremely important regarding your custody of your children. "Mutual agreement" should not mean you get nothing. Leave yourself something to negotiate with--including your regular involvement in caring for your home and caring for your children. Just because your husband technically pays for the home does not mean you are not contributing to the home. You are contributing to household expenses of some kind or other, and that is part of "home." Please consult with an attorney before moving out.
I agree completely. Go see an attorney and learn what your options and rights are before you do anything else!!! I am very new in the process and need to take this advice as well.
Good luck!!!
- lolita17
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Re: Divorce advice
Thanks a lot jkc1214 & OnMyOwnFeet,
I ll try to schedule an appointment with an attorney ASAP. As you explained I talked to a friend who divorced recently and she confirmed that it can take some time. usually at least 6 months. So I realize that it s more about how will we live this transition. My husband looks pretty sad, and my heart is broken. I wish it could be different but I m sure I ve made teh best choice for myself.
- •
Thread Starter- Rob
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Re: Divorce advice
Lolita,
Yes consult an attorney.
For example..i did not want to move out without a legal parenting arrangement. I knew if I moved out or she moved out I would never see the kids again. That was the hurt she was inflicting.
The day she moved out she may sure she took the kids...for maximum hurt to me.
Definitely consult an attorney ..
I found the fears my lawyer addressed helped me navigate the divorce...ie where would I live..when would i get the kids...
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- StrongerThanIKnew
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Re: Divorce advice
Laws vary greatly from state to state, so I imagine they vary even mores from country to country.
Definitely consult an attorney. While you are very unexperienced in divorce matters, they see it everyday -- including how divorce can bring out the worst in people.
One piece of advice....... think of this as a business decision. You are dissolving a business relationship and you are looking to get your fair share out of it. Even if you did not contribute financially to the relationship, your contributions enabled your business partner to grow and increase your "business." Also, businesses only get dismantled once, so this is your only shot at it.
I know that sounds cold, but for me anyway, looking at it like that made the whole process less emotional and easier to handle in that moment.
And that leads me to my second point...... start to think of your husband as your ex-husband or ex-business partner. You will always have the children in common and have to consider each other when it comes to their relationships with both of you and their well being. However, what impact your decisions will have on your STBX husband should not be a consideration. I am not talking about vengeful acts here because I assume you won't do anything with a specific purpose to harm him, but some actions you take to protect yourself and your children may, indeed, cause hurt feelings or something. That is no longer your concern. Does that make sense?
I wish you well, but please do get legal counsel.