So since I made the original post, his mother got violent with him AGAIN (over something not even related to him coming out) and it sent him into an almost child like state. He eventually opened up to me that usually when his mother is violent or emotionally neglectful, he needs more female nurturing and affection, but this time, she has sent him past his breaking point and he cant even look at women or tolerate physical touch from anyone. Whenever anyone said anything to him, he was questioning their motives. He couldn't trust anyone. So I gave him some space for a few days. He decided he needed to stop taking his ADD medications (they make him hyperfocus and can cause him to get paranoid and even have delusions if he's in a bad mental place).

I went to counseling on Monday for myself to figure out how to cope with all this and how to take care of myself (I wasn't eating but like 200 calories a day because of severe depression and despair). Felt a little better afterwards, then came home. He was at work that day but didn't even come home - he went to go hang out with his best friend (whom I have been talking and texting with a lot recently because we are both very worried about him). I went over to my neighbor's and unloaded a little onto her (no details), then my friend (who is my husband's high school girlfriend) came over and let me unload onto her, and then I went to my husband's aunt's house and unloaded onto her and his cousin (he has been open with them about all this).

The next day, he went back and forth about whether he wants me to go to his counseling session or not, but ultimately decided that he wants me there, but wanted us to drive there separately. The session went okay... she helped him with some coping mechanisms for dealing with the ins and outs of his relationship with his mother and helped us with communication. I did not feel very reassured by things. At the end of the appt, he had to go pee, but I stayed in the room waiting for the receipt and I broke down as soon as he shut the door. She asked me what exactly was sparking this emotional reaction. I told her, "When he's like this, he usually needs a hug from me, and when I ask if he needs one, he says he cant tolerate it. I don't know how to help him." She told me I must keep respecting his space and boundaries and that he will let me in when/if he is ready. She told me to ask him, and if he says no, to just tell him that I'm hugging him from my heart. He walked up as I was walking out of her office and he asked me what happened. I told her what she said, and he said, "We'll hug it out eventually." I said okay. We didn't even make it off the elevator before he initiated a deep embrace and I broke down crying... lol it made the other people in the elevator a little uncomfortable.

When we got out into the parking lot, we talked and hugged for about 10-15 minutes and he seemed to snap out of the dark mental state he was in. I told him that I accept and love him for who he is and he told me he loves me way too much to throw it all away. He opened up to me about wanting to expand our sexuality and try some new things. This opened the door to us talking more about our fantasies and I was actually surprised to realize that I had many fantasies, too (a lot more tame than his, though). We vowed to have more open communication and acceptance of either other's interests and quirks. He also told me that he was currently going through a post-trauma hypersexuality phase (I know all about this because of an incident when our older daughter was 3 months old and i though we had lost her - went into full blown panic mode before we found her underneath the futon that she rolled off and scooted underneath, then about 12 hours later, I went through a phase of hypersexuality where i literally felt like a teenage boy going through puberty... basically, i could empathize with him).

So we went to a sex toy shop and got a couple things he wanted to try and had some fun when we got home. we even watched some gay porn and he showed me the kind of stuff he likes. we even talked about the types of penises he likes. when we watch tv, we even talk about which guys are cute and stuff. we even discussed who in our social group we thought might be bisexual. i surprised myself because i even expressed that i have a thing for a girl in our social group, not that i would want to do anything sexual with her, lol. He says he wants to make a few videos of us having sex so he can watch them when he wants to. basically, this whole thing has really expanded everything that i'm open to currently and i even may be open to even more things as time goes on. he doesn't want to plan anything, just wants us to enjoy each other. he says he wants to be monogamous because he's really sexually attracted to me and i'm cool with him imagining i'm a guy sometimes. he's also SUPER freaked out about STIs and communicable diseases so the thought of actually doing anything with anyone other than me is disgusting to him. he just likes to imagine it happening from time to time while doing stuff with me. He also wants to participate in a drag show eventually, and i told him that i'd like to support him in that and i want to go see him in it.

we're both going to keep going to counseling separately and together sometimes (open invitation). His counselor is a family therapist that does the EMDR therapy for PTSD and my counselor specializes in LGBTQ topics. I think between the two of them, we have a great chance at truly strengthening our marriage. I am OVERJOYED at our "new normal." He feel so much better now that he can be his true self around me... the love we have is soooooo much deeper. It feels like we're dating again and it's so much fun... wish i wasn't just 4 weeks postpartum. lol

i dont know where you got the idea that we aren't wanting to be monogamous. We both do.

Well neither of us are inside his head, so I'm not going to assume I know what he's thinking or his intentions. I'm just going to continue living my life along side him, take care of our children, and I'll just post an update annually or something (for the purpose of informing other of the possibilities for MOMs). We are both happy where we're at for the time being. All we can do is go with the flow, right?

Hi

I think it is hard when you have kids because you want your family to work out Nd you get desperate to fix things and to hope your family stays together.

The things is as a child both of my parents had mental break downs and even now they both can be complete selfish assholes. Dads a alcoholic and the are both on medication.
As much as they can be abusive I have tried to make it so I’m a better persona fb it doesn’t affect my kids or my partner. I try not to blame my childhood on any reasons for me being a crap person.
I think as  adult you make choices and you know right and wrong.

Saying he imagined you as your mum I think crosses the lines of fantasies and communication.
Unforchatly my husband has said he has fantasied about men when we had sex to but that’s pretty crap.

I don’t think it’s ok for him to keep doing these things and saying it’s from my childhood abuse because you now have children that he needs to be a better person for so they don’t end up affected by him doing things because his upset. Maybe he should cut contact with his mother or stand up to her if she’s affecting him like this?

I did buy toys, Porn and talk about fantasies before to but it gets to a really weird place where you no longer feel sexy or wanted yourself. It’s becomes about their pleasure.

Your a person to so please look after your feelings to. I’m sure what you’ve been through would be so hard and it’s really early days. Things change all the time and over the years.
Do set your boundaries and he is very lucky to have a supportive helpful wife like you.

I wish you all the best. I’m really sorry to because I could t imagine how hard this time would of been for you. Things I’ve been through personally hurt enough but I know how hard it can be when your a mother and dealing with all of this to and trying to make sense of it all.