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January 23, 2019 8:11 pm  #1


in denial

Hello   I've known for 30 years something was up ????
We have 2 beautiful grown boys , that emotionally depend on us both....allot !
Dad travels over 3/4 of the yr , so  were always trying to catch up with quality family time
Red flags everywhere , fights, but i believed him and didn't want to believe my "crazy" thoughts.
Confronted him so many times , that  he and i are both exhausted.
I'm damaged now , and with childhood trust issues.
But ! he reminded me my marital suspicions are all my fault !
He never confessed...it was me ...always me.
I believed him  , with all the red flags,  i was the crazy one, until 15 yrs in. BUT ! i'm still here
It was always this one guy , thorn in my side, but theirs been 2 women that i know of too.
I believe the guy -lover  is obsessed , but the few gals that i know of,  were just a distraction ???
15 yrs in , i decided and said to him, its you and its not me.
I no longer blamed me. complete flip.
I started to look after my poor health , and said its up to him to tell me,
He never did,
I said "Whatever is taking you away from us,  our marriage, its not me " !
Christmas this year , he received an imessage, that he said he never talks with the guy friend.
Ive never snooped im not techy,
Then found obsessive, fight , Love or letters between them both , 25 plus yrs of letters.
Many letters said "you promised to look after me", and "we decided to take a different path ", and "you couldn't get what you wanted from me????
He always said the guy was too jealous , and he wasn't in contact with him.
Did i say i'm in denial.... after all these yrs, after all the discussions , and his denials.
I'm still in denial too.
Assuming this is my body & brains natural reaction, truing to survive. 
From my childhood experience, i recognize im in survival mode.
I have a lifetime of family memories spent with 2 beautiful boys, and what i thought  , wished,  was my husband ? 
We are all sucked into his lies and this very ugly situation

* one note,,,,i see so many "i"s in my note ,   i do still blame myself somehow ,but not like i used too

 

 

January 24, 2019 4:12 am  #2


Re: in denial

Hi denial, I’m in the first week of everything coming out! It’s like he has thrown me under the bus to save himself, with 3 young children! So selfish! I’m also not very tec savvy and have also have child hood issues, I was 18 years old when I left my toxic family and took about 10 years to rid myself of the anger caused by it... he saw my recovery and shattered me all over again... I’m in survival mode too, just trying not to be absorbed by hate... who knows where the lies end! Makes my head spin!

Last edited by Shan13 (January 24, 2019 4:13 am)

 

February 13, 2019 10:02 am  #3


Re: in denial

Hi
I do understand survival mode.. I am In denial most of the time myself it does help get through the days.
I could t image how hard it would be for you to find all of that. How aveyou been since?

 

February 24, 2019 8:36 am  #4


Re: in denial

Hello ,
Thankful for your note.
I have not been online for awhile for fear of my gay or bi husband finding out.
I have spent more time snooping , as mentioned i never did that. Im not  very tecky.
Maybe my way , my denial  , of living in the closet too.
Even though i had TONS of suspicions , RED FLAGS ,  something was going on.
I asked him , we fought ,  he said NO  , accused me of being crazy , i believed him , and we both moved on.
Over and over again, we moved on.
Since my 1st post, i have had lack of sleep , nightmares, flashbacks, emotional outburst. Just feeling unwell.
My gay or bi husband has recognized the change in me. 
His words "what is wrong ?  If its cheating . im not cheating on you?
Funny  , either my antenna  or radar is fully on ,  or hes so much more protective of his phone and computer now. Way more then before.

I know i'm suffering from PTSD.
Had 2 therapy sessions.
Needed the therapist to listen to the letters i found.
Trying to have her ears , and eyes  to confirm im not nuts !
She too said, hes having an emotional and physical relationship with his 40 plus yrs man friend.
IN the letters , they both said "relationship"....not friendship.
What guys calls their friendships a "relationship ' ????
The letters are nuts !   and yet on and off i still feel in denial.

Good news,  i am also living more in a reality , hurt as hell, but a reality.
I may have mentioned , i also feel very scared.
Pretty sure  ,if my husband found out i know.
He would be just as manipulative and want me out the door ! 
Just as manipulative as l hiding and lying all these years. 

He taught me well.  Its been crazy hard not to have exposed him.
As controlling as he is, with money and me , im in survival mode now.
Were travelling for work , he works , i don't work..
I have worked on and off all our marriage,
My jobs were sometimes part and full time.
Convenient jobs that would keep 1 parent home all the time, 
None of which ever  did or will financially protected me for whats to unfold.

This time, hes off working and I flew home this week .
I gave a story that i had specialist appts ect.
I do have drs appt, but i also have a lawyers and therapist appt too.
He watch's the $ closely, so i have to be very secretive on how i pay for my appts.
Sadly , Its  for my safety, but  I feel like im in the closet too.
 I just need to know i will be safe , secure, and how to mange or sort out my new reality.

Don't know if im getting a divorce, but i do know i need strong advice.
I need security and too feel safe.
I also need therapy strategies on how to mange what i know.

My grown kids are my biggest concern   ...huge !
Both love their dad , both love spending much needed lost travelling absent time with dad.
They worship dad , but his going out the door for years "traveling for work ??? " , has done some damage.
They  , we have always felt like were never going to catch up on time missed. *not as important as his work.
Their great kids, kind passionate , strong , resilient and so much more.
Our years have not been easy.  Both my marriage and their father son relationship
My one son 27 yrs, has lived with addictions , my 23yr lives with anxiety. 
Their very strong , yet fragile states made me want to stay in the closet  , but i cant do that anymore.
I've always taught wished them to live and honest life  ,a good life. 
Especially since i was not  living  my authentic life knowing something was wrong with my marriage..

Now if and when finding out dad is someone else???
Will affect them and haunt them as much as its haunting me now.
What we thought we knew,  what we thought and were told was real , was all BS!.
Nothing is the same anymore for me.
Im protecting them now, until i sort myself out. , and sort out if,  how or when to tell them.
But ! When its their turn to find out ,  their reaction  and VERY painful mixed emotions , will be the same too.


 

     Thread Starter
 

February 24, 2019 12:00 pm  #5


Re: in denial

I'm so, so sorry for what you're going through.  Like the song says, can't go over it, can't go under it, can't go around it, got to go through it.  We'll all be here for you, no matter what you decide.

Your concern about your kids really resonated with me -- I'm a little bit obsessed with that issue.

I think it's possible that "finding out dad is someone else" will actually benefit them, because they'll have an explanation for something they're struggling to understand.  I assume they're each in some kind of counseling or therapy; I know that with my daughter it gave her and her therapist a factual foundation that explained a lot of the mystery stress she'd been raised around.

The thing kids react to is the fact that they've been lied to -- the aspect of your husband being gay is secondary.  It's bad enough for them to learn their father has been lying, I wouldn't compound it by your own lying as well.  No matter how often you tell them you only did it to protect them, they won't believe that.

 

February 24, 2019 1:57 pm  #6


Re: in denial

id denial, it is possible that your sons have issues because they know something is not right and they may even have found evidence of what their father has been doing, which means they have been  keeping a secret from you.

Letting them know the truth may be what they need to be able to process what they have experience and to move towards healthy, independent lives. Keeping secrets to protect others can be toxic.


Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.
 

February 24, 2019 3:55 pm  #7


Re: in denial

Towards the end of my long marriage to a closet dweller I had this weird sensation like I had no ground, he had encroached on it and I had to make an effort to regain traction.

I was full of hurt from being in an emotionally abusive relationship - telling you it's your fault for entertaining suspicions is emotional abuse - he is not caring about your feelings at all.  You're not allowed to be angry it's your fault!!!  That's really upsetting - I was in a similar boat.

so I tend to believe it could help to talk with your sons about it for you as well as them but not your husband as he is in the closet.  My suggestion is to put a bit of time into thinking how you might want to approach it with them as individuals.  And then don't second guess yourself, trust your instincts. 

 

February 24, 2019 4:08 pm  #8


Re: in denial

Thank you again  , and  all very good points.

We as husband and wife, and family life, did and still do have good and bad times.
Just returned forma family vacation.
NO intimacy for us  ,and i don't want it ! 
But my sons were spoiled!
These very same destructive behaviors between dad and mom , no matter how much we try to show normalcy.
Lack of affection and trust are and were big issues.
Looking back at all  of our family yrs.
Its No different being in the same room when a friend -couple are struggling .
KIDS are smart , they can feel the ice in our room too. 

I have so many flashbacks,
Remember once asking my husband to show affection in front of the kids,,
"Be a good male role model for our sons".
"So they could have loving relationships in their  lives "
Did i say i had soooo many red flags ???  Denial is a beautiful peaceful place to be.

I'm very very very sure they have been affected as children , and now grown men.

Maybe my present pain - truth is holding me back ,
Worry based on their reactions.
I agree my truth will be my sons truth.
Then we can all move on .
What ever the hell that means. 

 

     Thread Starter
 

February 24, 2019 4:18 pm  #9


Re: in denial

mentioning dreams....nightmares

I was -journalling, Jan 9th, 2019 , approx 2 weeks after i found the letters.
​Couldn't sleep, flashbacks - nightmares ect ect   
​Hope it makes sense to you

Journal
Last night in my dreams i was in a hotel or inn like.Dream was not clear at times. I kept having GF's visit me there at this hotel like.Also saw other ladies my age or close too, staying there.Some that i knew of, but didn't hang with.Marion dropped in to see me and asked why did the front desk said " speak to her in nice tone voice.  I then remembered i had asked when i checked in for positive tone visitors. I saw ladies coming and going , no husbands or partners.Some had their children and grandchildren visit.It was a busy place,  feeling of sad yet still positive.   Last of my dream ,  we were in a communal room.I was at a table with other ladies listening - overhearing their life conversations. Someone asked why did you leave, she responded for peace and so he could live his gay life.Another lady turned her head and was crying. I then realized i was in a hotel or maybe a women's shelter.With other women who have were emotionally drained , and or abused by gay husbands. Trying to get on with life. That was the end of my nightmare.! The "tone" of voice part.I have said that so many times to Mike when hes being condescending to me.Please "watch your tone" on how you speak to me. Like most dreams , , makes some sense and no sense.Im sure its just hurt and pain im feeling of all the unkowns.  

     Thread Starter
 

February 24, 2019 5:07 pm  #10


Re: in denial

in denial wrote:

Thank you again  , and  all very good points.

I have so many flashbacks,
Remember once asking my husband to show affection in front of the kids,,
"Be a good male role model for our sons".
"So they could have loving relationships in their  lives "
Did i say i had soooo many red flags ???  Denial is a beautiful peaceful place to be.

I'm very very very sure they have been affected as children , and now grown men.

 

When my daughter was younger, she was always trying to get my husband to put his arm around me, or hold my hand.  She was always trying to get him to do what she saw other men doing with the women in their lives.  At the time, he had a good friend we all spent a lot of time around, and this guy was very affectionate towards me -- sometimes linking my arm when we'd all walk down the sidewalk together.  I could feel my daughter staring at us, because she'd never seen me like that, like a woman who is beautiful in the eyes of a man.  It later turned out this guy actually did have a crush on me (he committed suicide, but nothing to do with all this).  One of the things our daughter said she was really angry about, when TGT thing came to light, was the way he'd given her a warped view of the way men and women relate to one another.  In fact, all those times he joked about not being into "public displays of affection" notwithstanding, she really wanted to see him show affection to me.

 

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