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January 20, 2019 10:06 pm  #1


New here and looking for some orientation

Hello,

I m short on time today so I can t read all teh previous post but I was to explore this side of the forum too.  I have been in a sexless marriage for 4 years ( sex about every 2 months but great).  I found gay porn in mu husband history 6 years ago fr the first time, but did not took it seriously.  Then condoms in his car twice in 2014-2015. He told me that it was for a friend who borrowed his car at this time.   So TGT was somewhere in my mind but I refused to focus on it.  Until I found gay porn again last year plus condoms in his bag.  This time he could not say it was for someone else and had to admit that he bought them, just by curiosity because the box said extended pleasure.  then he told me that he bought them because I had my periods etc... But why my husband would buy a box of condoms saying extended pleasure because I had my periods while he was travelling out of the country when we have never used a condom for the 9 years we were married? Let s be serious.

I m a no drama person and even if I don t believe a single word of this , I still believe he loves me and want to be with me.     It s hard for me to say Loud and clear that he's gay or cheated since I feel like I don t have enough proof.

The feelings we still have for each other makes me consider to stay but trust is a real issue.  Ina addition to that I have to admit that I was pretty unhappy before I found about TGT, so my question are :

How do you know if you re a good candidate for a MOM ?
Can a MOM work if the LGBTQ spouse is in denial ?
Is it normal to talk about a MOM if you just have suspicions.

Thanks for your help.

 

January 21, 2019 1:23 am  #2


Re: New here and looking for some orientation

Welcome Lolita
How do you know if you re a good candidate for a MOM ? Intuition...knowing your partner.....believing he wants the marriage/r'ship to work.

Can a MOM work if the LGBTQ spouse is in denial ? Any type of MOM will work if the 2 people concerned want it to. My partner and I have negotiated....well, no actually I demanded....a monogamous MOM. He wanted 1 day a month to satisfy his bisexual fantasies. I said no.

Is it normal to talk about a MOM if you just have suspicions? I believe you have to have gone through Suspicion, Questioning, Accusing, Confrontation, Arguing, Ranting/raving, Blaming, Explaining, Tears, Acknowledgement......and a whole lot of honest conversation....before you even consider a MOM.


 

Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (January 21, 2019 1:28 am)


** This is all about survival **
 

January 21, 2019 10:36 pm  #3


Re: New here and looking for some orientation

Hello Ellexoh,

Thanks for your very straightforward response.  I actually hate the place where I am now.  I feel like I can t divorce yet and I can t consider a MOM either.  The path you described (Suspicion, Questioning, Accusing, Confrontation, Arguing, Ranting/raving, Blaming, Explaining, Tears, Acknowledgement......and a whole lot of honest conversation)  seems to be a long route and I have no idea of what will be the end decision now.  I understand I don t have to decide now but not knowing what to do is hard and I feel lost.

     Thread Starter
 

January 22, 2019 2:06 am  #4


Re: New here and looking for some orientation

lolita17 wrote:

Hello Ellexoh,

Thanks for your very straightforward response.  I actually hate the place where I am now.  I feel like I can t divorce yet and I can t consider a MOM either.  The path you described (Suspicion, Questioning, Accusing, Confrontation, Arguing, Ranting/raving, Blaming, Explaining, Tears, Acknowledgement......and a whole lot of honest conversation)  seems to be a long route and I have no idea of what will be the end decision now.  I understand I don t have to decide now but not knowing what to do is hard and I feel lost.

 

If you understand that you don't have to decide now....you've already decided the first step. Feeling lost is almost a prerequisite in beginning of the journey....but you won't feel lost forever, but this takes much more than simply deciding your marriage is over and starting a new life. Have you read the "First Aid Kit" at the start of the General Board? You need to devour all the information, advice & anecdotes you can on the forum. Knowledge is power.

Early on in my journey....when I read that most MOMs that make the decision to stay together fail after 3 years....it's become a date I have in my head as a gauge. A measure, a question, a possibility. I'm 2/3rds in to those 3 years.
 


** This is all about survival **
 

February 26, 2019 6:01 pm  #5


Re: New here and looking for some orientation

So now I realize I m closer to separation than a MOM.  My husband is still in denial although our therapist made me realize that he actually told me a lot indirectly.  Now that I know that something is going on about TGT, 

My husband asked me for separation because he feels like I no longer love him and he needs time to mourn.  I might have been too though on him the way I was confronting.  Not sure about that.  He kept asking me what I wanted him to do so we could move forward with the relationship.  The truth was the only thing I needed to start with but only got it in indirect words I could not understand.

I ended up feeling tired and impatient.  It s been 4 month since I found evidence about TGT.  But almost a year since I started feeling that we seriously needed to work on our relationship.  I feel that my husband loves me to the best of his abilities and is really sincere.  On another side I am craving for more but I want to be fair, if we have a chance.

Now he acts like he wants to move forward with teh separation than I do.  I am not sure if it s because he s so hurt or if he has another plan in mind.  He asked me to leave the house for a few days.  Which I agreed to.  I should come back this week end. Not sure what we ll be able to discuss then.

     Thread Starter
 

February 26, 2019 8:35 pm  #6


Re: New here and looking for some orientation

lolita17 wrote:

So now I realize I m closer to separation than a MOM.  My husband is still in denial although our therapist made me realize that he actually told me a lot indirectly.  Now that I know that something is going on about TGT, 

My husband asked me for separation because he feels like I no longer love him and he needs time to mourn.  I might have been too though on him the way I was confronting.  Not sure about that.  He kept asking me what I wanted him to do so we could move forward with the relationship.  The truth was the only thing I needed to start with but only got it in indirect words I could not understand.

I ended up feeling tired and impatient.  It s been 4 month since I found evidence about TGT.  But almost a year since I started feeling that we seriously needed to work on our relationship.  I feel that my husband loves me to the best of his abilities and is really sincere.  On another side I am craving for more but I want to be fair, if we have a chance.

Now he acts like he wants to move forward with teh separation than I do.  I am not sure if it s because he s so hurt or if he has another plan in mind.  He asked me to leave the house for a few days.  Which I agreed to.  I should come back this week end. Not sure what we ll be able to discuss then.

 

For someone who has turned your life upside down....he shouldn't be asking you to leave the house. Do you know why he wanted you out? Was it so he could have somebody (a man) at the house?
You said in your 1st message that you were a no drama person. Do you think he is depending on this trait of yours for no drama so his life is easier? He seems to change his mind often, which must be confusing.  A separation ..with him moving out sounds like a good idea. Time apart from each other to get your head clear.
Have you had any counseling yet, or confided in anyone?






 


** This is all about survival **
 

March 2, 2019 8:38 am  #7


Re: New here and looking for some orientation

We are leaving with our 2 kids and my mother mother in law so there s no way for him to have someone else in.  IWe did have counseling and at some point the counselor told me that it was just a fantasy so we should focus on improving our relationship think I tried several times to get him to explain me the situation but I was not successful.  I think I was not able to show him that I could understand and forgive.  I believe my husband loves me but can t admit the truth. I believe he feels too guilty about it.  I have many reasons to be willing to stay with my husband including, friendship, sexual attraction, our kids and life together.  However I understand that this have been affected by whatever he has done.  Unfortunately I was not able to hear him admit that porn of any kind itself was a threat to our relationship.  I guess I need to swallow my hopes that we could be a good candidate for a trial MOM.   

     Thread Starter
 

March 4, 2019 11:30 am  #8


Re: New here and looking for some orientation

Ultimately you have to be comfortable with whatever you decide. Sometimes our heart isn’t in sync with what our minds tell us needs to happen. From the outside looking in, I would say I should have left our marriage 6-1/2 years ago. I was in complete denial. I knew, but chose to convince myself otherwise. A counselor we were seeing said the same...she said she didn’t believe my husband was gay or bisexual, but that these were just fantasies and that he had an addictive, controlling personality and that is what was motivating him to seek male companionship outside our marriage, but that deep down she didn’t think it was a true sexual desire for men that he had. Um...what? I knew at the time it was a bunch of hoo-ha, but I was more than happy to grasp onto that as reason to stay. I had too many reasons not to leave...never finished college, hadn’t worked in many years, our kids were still so young.... So I stayed. Deep down I knew we would divorce eventually, it was just a matter of when. I thought we would make it until the kids graduated high school, but there came a point that I just couldn’t do it anymore. And also, the kids aren’t stupid. There hadn’t been any sort of affection between us for many years. My husband talked down to me more and more as the years went on. He was totally checked out. Only exception...vacation. He was a lot of fun and attentive to the kids on vacation, but at home...forget it. I’m rambling now. Ha...anyway...when it’s time, you will know. I’m not saying there won’t be doubts or fear, but you will have that voice inside telling you that it’s time. Listen to that voice. I for many years thought my happiness didn’t matter. I believed it was only my children’s happiness that mattered.  But you know what? My happiness DOES matter, and the kids deserve to see their mom happy. I do not regret not leaving 6-1/2 years ago. We are in a better financial place right now, which will help me. It’s scary to think that I’ll be totally on my own financially in a few years (how many yrs undecided still. Still going through divorce process),  but it isn’t as overwhelming now, knowing it’ll just be me. My kids are in high school now so by the time my maintenance ends, they will be in or out of college.  So it’s not AS overwhelming.   What is overwhelming is that I’ve gone back to school now and I’m trying to decide what kind of career I want for myself by the time I’m done at the age of 50 or so. Scary, but exciting at the same time. I wish you all the luck in the world.  It took me 20 years and three tries to leave, but the third time did the trick.

 

March 4, 2019 11:56 am  #9


Re: New here and looking for some orientation

finallyfree wrote:

Ultimately you have to be comfortable with whatever you decide. ....... I wish you all the luck in the world.  It took me 20 years and three tries to leave, but the third time did the trick.

 
Great post Finallyfree


** This is all about survival **
 

March 4, 2019 4:47 pm  #10


Re: New here and looking for some orientation

Our sex life has been getting more and more sparse and my husband finally admitted that his thoughts abt being with a man has impeded his desire.  I knew that he considered himself bi, but he hadn't expressed any great need to actually be with a man until this past weekend. He thinks the reason that our sex life is bare is that he was holding a secret from me.  I'm not sure abt that ... I think he just wants to be with a man.  He said he felt better after telling me, but it came with the cost of making me feel worse ... emotionally. I am not going to leave my marriage without a fight. I love my husband and I know he loves me. I feel that he can't help the way he feels. I did all of my sexual exploration while I was in my 20's and early 30's. I had exclusive relationships with women, but that is out of my system now. He never explored his sexuality, so I kind of understand. I am thinking that we need a set of rules to live by. Am I being too unrealistic?
 

Last edited by RuthA57 (March 4, 2019 4:48 pm)

 

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