OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum » Nothing makes sense, the logic doesn't add up.

ThisSeason · January 15, 2019 2:18 pm

It feels like so many parts of this experience do not make any damn sense. And by not making sense, I mean it feels like the statements made and arguments used to support them are the opposite of sane and rational.

How does someone come to the realization that betraying their spouse is a good thing? That they're doing something brave and should be applauded for it?

And where else would someone expect a pass to cheat on their spouse for months and that they deserve the right to just jump back into the marriage if that exploration period doesn't work out?

I feel like if you could go back in time before TGT and ask your spouse if they would be okay if you just took a 6 month break from the marriage to explore your feelings for someone else, they would flip their shit and most definitely NOT be okay with it.

A little empathy and treating others as you would like to be treated could go a long way in helping ease the pain of these situations for straight spouses, IMO.

Estella Oculus · January 15, 2019 3:08 pm

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Estella Oculus · January 15, 2019 3:11 pm

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lily · January 15, 2019 3:59 pm

yeah really, there is a defence to mount but right now I just want to sympathetically agree with you - I am out for years now and still feel traumatised by the lying.

One of the scariest aspects of this for me has been to acknowledge how profoundly different my past was from the way I'd believed it was. He knew he was stringing me along all along. When he first saw me, he must have viewed me in a different light altogether than as a prospective lover. It is the wolf in sheep's clothing.

we all heard the story and we saw the pictures of a wolf with a fleece tied to it's back and we tend to think we won't be fooled by that, we'll see it coming but the whole point of the story is you don't see them coming. You live and you learn.

I'd rather know what is. I don't want to believe he loved me when he didn't. I don't want to believe he was nicer than he was. I want the truth not lies, it's instinctive in me to want this.

walkbymyself · January 15, 2019 5:14 pm

Lily, my husband will swear to his death that he loves me, has never loved anyone else but me, and so on.

I finally said "Well it looks like you loved something else better." At least he was forced to concede that point, reluctantly.

Like you -- my husband knew all along he was stringing me along. When I confronted him, he told me he'd always known he was "bisexual" (we can argue a bit about exactly how "bi" the "sexual" part was). It was such a shock to learn he'd known it all along -- I had a narrative in my mind that he was just in denial, and had only come to discover his sexuality later in life.

Ellexoh_nz · January 15, 2019 5:27 pm

ThisSeason wrote:
It feels like so many parts of this experience do not make any damn sense. .......

Imagine a huge jigsaw. That you slowly & painstakingly put together, spending long hours on it, making sure no pieces got lost and believing no-one would come and unsettle or mess it up. You get three quarters of the way through....you can imagine what the big picture is like but can't quite see it, but just know it's going to be fabulous!
Then your partner bumps it/flips it....and it's just a fucking mess on the floor. Along with the hurt and anger with your partner, the confusion about why, wtf....what is WRONG with you?!.....you realise you have to start picking up the pieces because your life (and the floor) can't stay this untidy.
So you begin again but find some of the pieces no longer fit, and it takes ages to sort through the bits that used to fit together but somehow their colour and shape is different.
Your partner has found another jigsaw...an authentic, no-stress, easy jigsaw...but half of the ruined jigsaw still holds so much of what represents you that you're adamant your half of it can be resurrected and be the new you....... however long it takes

My jigsaw is not finished yet

Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (January 16, 2019 1:13 am)

lily · January 15, 2019 9:08 pm

walkbymyself - yeah really. My ex is still mind boggling. He meets up through work with someone I've met since I moved. She asks me have I talked to him recently? (he loves me so much we should be together) I tell her the reason I left was because he was gay in denial. The next thing you know I realise she believes I'm a lesbian. No I'm the straight one, I reply. So the next time I see her we are back to have I talked to him recently, (he's such a nice guy and he loves you so much) and you were together for so long. Well the longer it was is the longer he lied to me. He watched me suffer, I reply.

I expect to hear he is not gay, I am insane and made him suffer but he was such a saint and put up with me the next time I see her.

I can't believe the way he can twist people around without their even registering it is happening. I have seen him do it to my friends one by one, quite deliberately.

e.g., when we were in the middle of the divorce my closest friend says to me - He isn't gay. Yes he is gay, and give my reasons oh well why does it matter that he is gay, well it matters if you are married to him, and give my reasons - to which she replied well yes okay but he isn't gay. omg. omg. you can't have it both ways, either you believe he is gay or you believe he isn't, I manage to say and get a blank look - that was all in one conversation and he wasn't even there in the room!

Last edited by lily (January 15, 2019 9:12 pm)

Estella Oculus · January 15, 2019 9:38 pm

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Last edited by Estella Oculus (May 30, 2019 7:19 am)

Dandelion · January 15, 2019 11:20 pm

Hello - long time "stalker". So incredibly grateful for this forum! First posting. Inspired by the puzzle thread and wanted to share one of many poems I have written in "recovery'.

Puzzle
So many things left me quesitioning
My intution straining for validation
Your words dismissing my own ears
and eyes and gut
I could not reconcile the dissonance
And so the wonderings stayed
Floating in midair wiht no sensical place
to land
Until I saw the truth
In art and poem and song
From your lover
Inversely mirroring my pain
The coming, the going an opposite match
Abruptly, all those question marks fell
Right from the sky
And landed abusively
Completing the ugliest puzzle
I've ever seen

Lonelyheartsclub · January 15, 2019 11:32 pm

I'm struggling to figure out this jigsaw puzzle myself. My husband of a decade came out to me on Christmas Eve. We believe we are soulmates still... But he doesn't want to be with me intimately. I just can't settle. I want someone to want all of me. We realized he had to leave our house, because it's just been so hard for me, so he is staying with his parents for right now. I just keep saying I can't believe this is happening to me. You know how people say, "living the dream!" Well, I'm living the nightmare. I keep thinking I'm going to wake up and it'll all be back to normal: like he's going to bring me flowers and apologize or something. How does anyone move on from this!?!

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January 15, 2019 2:18 pm #1

Nothing makes sense, the logic doesn't add up.

January 15, 2019 3:08 pm #2

Re: Nothing makes sense, the logic doesn't add up.

January 15, 2019 3:11 pm #3

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January 15, 2019 3:59 pm #4

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January 15, 2019 5:14 pm #5

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January 15, 2019 5:27 pm #6

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ThisSeason wrote:

January 15, 2019 9:08 pm #7

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January 15, 2019 9:38 pm #8

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January 15, 2019 11:20 pm #9

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January 15, 2019 11:32 pm #10

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