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January 11, 2019 11:58 pm  #1


Enough or not enough evidence

Hi all,

As many of you here I m dealing to what seems like TGT since I have found gay porn, condoms and lived in a sexless marriage for about 4 years.  My husband is still maintaining that he ended up on gay website just by curiosity and that it s just virtual.  But his last excuse about the condom was really bad.  Seems like he bought them because I had my periods while he was on a 2 weeks trip out of the country.  Very funny LOL

Anyways I m sure he s lying at this point and my gut feeling is telling me there s a lie somewhere.  However did anyone ever found that they were wrong about TGT ?  It might be that part of me willing to stay married.  But I d really like to know even if it might sound like a stupid question.

Also, although I told my husband that I no longer wanted intimacy, we re  still trying to stay nice to each other.  The fact is that we still have a lot in common but probably not enough for a thriving marriage.  SO how to manage the relationship while I m really not sure I want to stay.  

In fact we went to couple therapy after I found evidence related to TGT.  The therapist managed to help us work on an improvement plan for our relationship, but I m still frustrated because he did not go deep enough on TGT.  

Part of me feel like I have to work on this marriage improvement plan but I went to individual therapy myself and it seemed that my favorite option would be separation.

The fact that there's no coming out is the toughest part for me.   

 

January 12, 2019 3:30 am  #2


Re: Enough or not enough evidence

Hi Lolita,

We all struggle with this one.  Or at least I did.  I wrote this post on Medium about why we don’t know and sometimes can never know fully.  I feel your pain with the not really coming out or talking about it openly with you. 

[url=https://link.medium.com/Fb4EBbbEpT].     ON the Five Reasons You Don’t Know, may never know....

Last edited by Leah (January 12, 2019 3:31 am)

 

January 12, 2019 10:31 am  #3


Re: Enough or not enough evidence

Lolita,

I’m in the same situation as you. We’re still nice to each other and there’s nothing wrong with that. If you can be civilized then why not. You don’t want to live in a tense environment.  We are also doing solo therapy and will do couple therapy. A good therapist will find out if there’s a chance for your marriage in all aspects.

Your frustration is because of being in a limbo. Remember no straight man goes accidentally on gay sites. No straight man is interested in watching gay porn. So you have your answer there.  As any wife in a straight marriage you want to work on your marriage but you want to know if there is a marriage to work on. You want him to come out or find a reason to tell you for sure if he’s or he’s not. That may never happen. Unfortunately. I’m in the same exact situation. I’m focusing on myself now. My needs and really checking on myself on what do I want a marriage to be. Don’t wait for the confession. It may never happen. Look at your marriage as a complete package and decide. It doesn’t have to be today. Take your time. But don’t wait for years.

Last edited by Mimi (January 12, 2019 10:47 am)

 

January 12, 2019 6:27 pm  #4


Re: Enough or not enough evidence

Hi Lolita, Just to second what Leah and Mimi said: I, too, have been in this exact place, and after a year and a half, it is pretty clear my STBX is not interested in coming out, and he would likely deny anything about TGT if I told others about it. Last year around this time, before I found SSN, I'd been talking with a first cousin who is also a straight spouse. She told me divorced her husband after she spent a fair amount of money on a private investigator and phone tracking apps, and compiled several weeks of data on his activities--which were exactly what she expected/suspected. Even when she confronted him with all the evidence she had in front of her mom and step dad, her spouse avoided taking responsibility for his actions or identifying as gay. She said the same thing to me then that we are saying to you now: don't wait for a confession and coming out, because its very likely not going to happen. Take action based on what you think is best for you (and your children, if you have any). Stop looking for honesty and openness from someone whose whole life revolves around secrecy and lies.

Last edited by Estella Oculus (January 12, 2019 6:36 pm)

 

January 14, 2019 10:31 pm  #5


Re: Enough or not enough evidence

I had all the evidence in the world short of pictures and video..  and it didnt help at all... well except to help me keep my sanity...I could look at it again and know I wasn't crazy.

I think them lying to your face when you know certain facts  tells you all you need know .    And the subtle gas lighting lies are particularly evil..    Tells you all you need to know regardless of whether they are gay, straight, alien or purple.       


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

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