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January 10, 2019 6:57 am  #1


Still so many questions

Help!  I really am starting to feel like I’m losing it! 

17 months ago my husband lost his job of 15 years.  Why...because he was visiting gay adult stores/cruising places.  The most he ever admitted was being curious. He went to 2 therapy sessions with me.  After the 2nd he said he would never go back he felt like he was attacked.
The therapist simply told him that I had experienced a trauma. That was 6 months after he lost his job. I think the first 6 months I was in shock. By August we weren’t getting anywhere other than he’s curious. I asked him to be out September 1st.  He rented a room a couple of towns away. 7 days after he left I found an email he sent to join a gay men bi group. I of course confront Him....it’s not what I think.  At this point I want to believe him.  We were very involved in church he was incredibly kind to me mostly. Narcissistic but I loved him. Fast forward he was at a gay spa, found searches on computer that included hot tranny grannies, gay massage, father and son gay sex and I can go on.  The tears never stop. Yesterday, his car/our car needed to be towed. I helped get it taken care of.  I had an odd feeling last night and took a drive by where he lives.  He arrived as I did.  He was in the passenger side and a woman was driving. He never saw me they were there at least an hour +.  I left. So now what the hell is he doing?  I am so broken.  Every time I step forward something knocks me. A new discovery. They never stop.
I thought some how that he truly loved me and didn’t want to hurt me.  In the end of October he still thought he would be home for thanksgiving. Obviously I was never ok with that. 
But is her really going to do this again. I am wife #3.

Please is he gay? Did he ever love me?  When do the tears stop?

Open to any and all advice o. How to get passed this.

Lori

 

January 10, 2019 11:07 am  #2


Re: Still so many questions

Lori, I am so sorry that you find yourself here. Nobody deserves to to go through what we have gone through.

First of all, kudos to your therapist. If you can, I would highly suggest going back to her - not for couples therapy but for YOU. Not all therapists see what we go through as trauma, so I think the fact that this one did recognize it as such and called your husband out for it is a good thing. 

Secondly, I would cut off contact with your husband as much as humanly possible. He is gaslighting you - plain and simple. The first line in your post "Help! I really am starting to feel like I'm losing it." is evidence of that.  If you aren't familiar with the term, "gaslighting" is the altering of another person's perception of reality. The end result can be that a person is left feeling crazy or like she is losing her mind. So, you know your husband's actions aren't that of a heterosexual monogamous married man, but he is trying to make you think you they are. Well, let me assure you..... they are not. You are not losing it. Straight men do not cruise gay adult stores and gay spas. They do not do the computer searches you mention. (Speaking of which.... you don't have a son, do you? A father and son gay sex search is very disturbing - even if he is looking to be a "father figure" to some young man. Very disturbing.) Anyway, once you can put some distance between the 2 of you, you will start to see things as they really are, and it will get easier.

About the woman in the car..... it could be something innocent like someone just giving him a ride. However, we both know that someone just giving him a lift wouldn't have stayed and talked to him for an hour - unless the narcissist in him is grooming his next fuel source because he knows his current fuel source (you) is running out. Given his searches though, it could also have actually been a man in drag, but your husband really still is in the "curious" stage and not yet ready to act on it. There are dozens of things that it could have been, but truthfully, does it really matter?

So, is he gay? I don't know. Whatever he is though, it doesn't seem that he is straight.

Did he ever love you? That's a hard one. Narcissists never really love other people for who they are. They love other people for what they provide and do for the narc.So, yes, he probably loved you in his way, but probably not in the way you wish. Sorry, to sound so harsh, but that is just the way narcs are (and you, yourself, described him as such). 

When do the tears stop? They do stop in time, and that time will come quicker if you are able to get some distance between you. 

I'm sorry if I sound harsh. My spouse can out as trans a few years back. Ze was very active in our church - taught Sunday school, headed up a committee, etc. We were a "power couple" in our church, and I was the good compliant, submissive Christian wife. As long as I was, things were really good. I would have told you that I hit the husband jackpot. He was kind and generous and supportive and loving, and I was happy. However, the truth always comes out, and I know now that my perception of reality had been actively altered since day 1. 

So, Lori, your post is all about him. Now, think about you for a bit. What do you want? What do you want in a spouse? In a marriage? Are you getting that? Is your husband even capable of giving you that? What points are you willing to compromise on and what are deal breakers?

Remember your needs are just as important as his are. Please do not sacrifice your life and happiness for his. 

Now, full disclosure...... I am not a mental health professional, nor am I an expert on any of this. I have just been in a similar place and have read countless stories that started out just like yours, so take my advice or don't. It is up to you. But please do keep posting. Having a place to "talk" it out does help.

I wish you peace and strength.

 

January 10, 2019 5:08 pm  #3


Re: Still so many questions

Stronger than I knew

I can’t thank you enough for your words.  Not too harsh at all. I am sorry you are going thru this. I haven’t posted much in here but I have been reading. It’s sad too see soo many people experiencing the same thing.  It is a sad world we live in. Everyday is better...mostly. Sometimes something new hits me and sets me back. I would love to here more of your journey and where and how you are doing. I appreciate your honesty and hope to chat soon.

     Thread Starter
 

February 20, 2019 2:31 am  #4


Re: Still so many questions

18 months into this nightmare. Some days I’m ok but others like it just happened. Now I’m pretty sure he is with a woman. I saw him once of course lies and more lies.  In the beginning I only told close friends because I didn’t want to hurt him. I thought poor guy he can’t help who he is. Since then he has turned the tables. All of a sudden he just didn’t want to be married. He also says he’s not “THAT”. Can’t even say the word gay.  He was at a gay spa, Craig list pick ups, emails searches and the list goes on.  He now barely takes a call from me and when he does I am clearly a bother.  As if this situation wasn’t ugly enough. I no longer and keeping his secret!  I will find the woman or women and they will know what I know. I don’t want to see anyone else suffer and I don’t want him for a second to think it is ok!  Has anyone else kept the secret? How have you handled the situation?  Would you tell the New relationship? 

Still so heartbroken,
Lori

     Thread Starter
 

February 20, 2019 9:17 am  #5


Re: Still so many questions

If you have not already done so I highly recommend that you connect with a therapist ASAP to help you find your way forward. For your own physical health and sanity you need to focus on you and not him.

You originally posted that you are his third wife. That makes him a pro and breaking ups and moving on. You - maybe not so much. Whether he is now with a woman, a transvestite or a shemale doesn't matter really because he has moved out of your house and life. Your focus needs to be not on what he's doing or  warning others but on what you must do to take care of yourself.

If he lost his job take a hard look at your finances. Does he have access to joint savings or checking accounts? Does he have credit cards that were issued based on your application (so-called "courtesy cards")? The latter you can cancel by contacting the company without any need to communicate with him. I don't want to give you legal advice about any joint checking and savings accounts but you should have accounts in your name alone now. You also should consult an attorney to learn how divorce law works where you live and you should do this without him knowing. Even if you do not want to divorce now it will help you avoid making decisions that can hurt you later.

One final tip: In case he could he have applied for credit in your name get a copy of your credit report and see if there are items that you don't recognize. He could be a criminal as well as a cad.

Use the energy that you would use to track down new people in his life to rebuild your life. My ex left me after 30+ years, telling he was gay and because he'd met the man he thought was the love of his life. At some point that relationship ended and he dated a woman. He's now with a man.

I was able to get over him and not care because of this mantra: "Whatever he is he isn't for me." You deserve better too.

 


Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.
 

February 20, 2019 10:13 am  #6


Re: Still so many questions

Yes, yes, and YES to everything Abby posted.

I know it is hard, but put all that energy into YOU! Do go back to your therapist who said you had experienced trauma. 

Distance yourself from him as much as possible, and as Abby mentioned, sever any financial ties you have with him.

You mentioned in an earlier post about hearing more of my story...... one day I will tell it. However, at the moment, I am going through the divorce process, so I am not posting much about my situation at all. One day it will be my turn. I haven't lost my voice forever - just temporarily choosing to remain silent because it is what is best FOR ME. Learn to make yourself a priority, too. Stop focusing on him or even his next fuel source. Once you are healed you can do that if you still chose to, but for now, it is about you.

 

February 20, 2019 3:22 pm  #7


Re: Still so many questions

Thank you Abby and stronger then I knew!  I know you are both right and I am still in therapy and actually discussed this today. He seems to think that yes at some point I need to let it go but for now it is part of my healing. I am struggling. I think mostly because of what I thought we had. I am crushed that I was so easily thrown away.

     Thread Starter
 

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