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January 8, 2019 1:54 pm  #1

Thought the suck might almost be over BUT NO!


I had a serene and fantastic holiday with family and friends and was looking forward to 2019. My GID STBX and I were in the final polishing stages of an amicable and fair agreement, which we were getting ready to sign and take to court this month. All looked like it was going to work out OK, and I was finally feeling free of this madness.

Then my GID STBX texted me yesterday morning: he was "let go" from his job of 14 years, in a career that my mother and I bankrolled/supported him "starting over" in back in the day when he first had a breakdown (and subsequent career upheavals) over his supposed sex addiction and childhood abuse (though the nature of the abuse has never been clearly stated).

Given that he had spent four months in the fall of 2017 threatening suicide, and again in July 2018, I did not engage deeply with him in that moment when he texted me, but immediately alerted his therapist, my therapist, and our son's therapist. His therapist was great--I think they did a wellness check immediately. Later, I told our son briefly and neutrally, and reassured him that it wouldn't have an immediate impact on our day-to-day living circumstances. Mercifully, STBX is leaving me alone for now, it appears. But he's seeing our son today and they will stop by here later, so we will have to see how that goes.

BUT AGH!!!! I'm really feeling under pressure being the only one keeping things afloat here. STBX has been erratic about seeing our son, and slow to deal with mediation needs/requirements. I've been handing almost everything nearly single-handedly, with my fantastic family giving me some well-timed breaks. Now we have to revise the agreement, and its clear I can't count on him for anything but continued chaos. Let me tell you, I am feeling the suck, big time, right now.

I also alerted his mother about the job loss yesterday. She and I have stayed on friendly terms, checking in via email and phone occasionally. I knew he'd avoid telling her, because he always avoids telling his family difficult stuff, and she doesn't even know anything about why we are splitting. Her first response was: I didn't realize! He said everything was going great when I saw and talked to him in December! And I said, yes, that's how he has acted with me. But he lies, a lot, about big and small things, so what can we do? He's lying to us. And her response? Not--how dare you say that about my son! Nope--instead she says: Yes, he's good at hiding things. !!!!!!!! I just left it at that.

Oh 2019.... This is not an auspicious start! I hope things improve soon!

Last edited by Estella Oculus (January 8, 2019 2:34 pm)


January 8, 2019 9:23 pm  #2

Re: Thought the suck might almost be over BUT NO!

It sounds like a stressful layer on top of everything, specially when you were almost ready to be done with the agreement part. I am very sorry to hear about his suicidal thoughts, that must be really hard, but you are facing it straight and taking immediate  action, I am glad that your son has you and psicological support. You are being very proactive, it’s exhausting, but it’s the responsible and wise thing to do. You are being the bigger person. My psicologist always tells me that I give too much space, thought, attention, to any new and stressful thing my STBE comes up with. I always respond with a: how can I not pay attention if it affects my life so directly still? But I am starting to understand what he means. To put an example, last week his living alternative was to live in a van, parked in front of our current apartment. It drove me crazy, I almost had a panick attack just thinking about my baby daughter spending time in a van parked in the streets of Brooklyn, so I said no, but we had a loooooong argument. Next time he comes up with a crazy idea I am not gonna waste my resources and energy trying to convince him otherwise.

I feel you really got this, you are almost there, stay strong!


January 9, 2019 7:41 am  #3

Re: Thought the suck might almost be over BUT NO!

Oh my god a VAN in FRONT OF YOUR APARTMENT!? I know how unfunny this is in reality, but that image immediately made me think of Coyote Bergstein in Grace & Frankie or Chris Farley's motivational speaker character...

You are exactly on point, MM, because Lo and Behold! STBX turns up yesterday acting like hey, no big deal, he's got a ton of resumes out already, and an interview in another city on Friday, and who, him, why would he be suicidal after losing his job of 14 years?

Turns out a) I am definitely spending too much energy on him even now, as your psychologist might suggest if your psychologist knew about this; and b) all the times he "fell apart" and made suicidal threats were likely just manipulation he reserved for me, because, you know, he just loved me SO MUCH. Ugh! He's such a creep! Why oh why didn't I want better for myself? At least I am getting out now...

Good luck with your STBE-- I totally get why it annoys you! Someday, we will toast our new lives over healing beverages!

     Thread Starter

January 9, 2019 8:29 pm  #4

Re: Thought the suck might almost be over BUT NO!

I love Grace and  Frankie, they are both incredible, but Lili Tomlin cracks me up! She is So funny. And the van in front of the apartment idea.... I have had some laughs with my friends recently, I have to! Humor is such a life savior, I always joke about how I married an amusement park, it never gets boring!

I also often think about what are the chances of somebody like me, from a big city of a different continent, having  a baby with a gay man from a small place in Kentucky.... my baby was meant to be! I would not change the ride for anything, because he brought me to her. Let’s revisit our past with compassion for ourselves, and why not, trusting our younger self. That is what you did and is Ok, and you are getting out!

Looking forward to that toast!


January 10, 2019 8:03 am  #5

Re: Thought the suck might almost be over BUT NO!

Love love love what you say about your darling baby here. You're absolutely right! Yay! Yes, you're motivating me to get down your way soon!!

     Thread Starter

January 11, 2019 10:45 pm  #6

Re: Thought the suck might almost be over BUT NO!

You know where to find me! Sort of 


January 12, 2019 4:44 am  #7

Re: Thought the suck might almost be over BUT NO!

MMartin, just WOW you are so strong and wise and your baby is so lucky to have you as a mom!!! I'm sometimes in awe of the people here and the massive shedload of shit they have to go through on this journey.... Keep on keeping on... Toasting you here as you bravely go forward... bows to your grace, wisdom and strength! 


January 12, 2019 8:13 am  #8

Re: Thought the suck might almost be over BUT NO!

@MMMartin I'm going to drive around all of Brooklyn looking for vans parked in residential areas and when I find one, I'll ring the doorbell. XD

     Thread Starter

January 12, 2019 8:19 pm  #9

Re: Thought the suck might almost be over BUT NO!

You made me laugh!! [img][/img]


January 12, 2019 8:59 pm  #10

Re: Thought the suck might almost be over BUT NO!


     Thread Starter

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